To Nons who fall in love with NPD people

For those who find themselves in relationship after relationship or even have friendships with NPD persons, I have to ask, do you think there is something inside you that is drawn to the narcissist?

I ask because I wonder this about myself. I've been married to one, I have a boyfriend currently who says he is one and definitely has some aspects of it. I have a friend who is one as well.

Currently, I'm seeing a counselor to improve aspects of my own personality that need dealing with. I think being attracted to narcissist is not healthy for me in the long run. I wonder if it is possible to change this part of me and why is there a part of me that loves the narcissist? Not all, mind you but I've loved a few, at least.

do you think there is something inside you that is drawn to the narcissist?

100% yes. I am fascinated by how controlling he is; (ironically) I feel very safe and comfortable around that. It's like he has this inner power that sorts everything out - so if you are out, say in a restaurant or at a tourist attraction, you know that he will get exactly what he wants.

I am also very envious of his total lack of emotional involvement and his invulnerability as I am very emotional. It's like ying and yang.

I think that a lot of this is to do with your childhood experiences though and what draws you.

Yes,
It was the love bombing.... For someone to go over and above is thrilling. Making someone so important and special, saying what most people want to hear is very convincing. Being naïve and a little to trusting was my weakness. Lesson very much learned. it does take two to tango.....

Very nice thread! I like the idea here.

The most consistent quality that women tell me got them hooked and made our relationship more than just physical, was how incredibly, borderline eerily, comfortable they were talking to me and expressing themselves in front of me.

Never being able to figure him out. I knew from day one there was something very different about him. I'm usually quite good at quickly sizing up ppl and figuring out what they're all about, but not him. He's like a fantastic puzzle I can never quite figure out. I also was instantly physically drawn to him. I'm attracted to him like I have never been attracted to anyone in my life. Still now 2 years later I'm so hot for him, like no one else.

I've always been involved with very narcissistic men. I know now it stems from my childhood and growing up with narcissistic parents that I could never please. Apparently I am replaying that in my adult relationships, desperately trying to get love from someone who is not capable of loving me. At least that's what my therapist says.

I am fascinated by how controlling he is; (ironically) I feel very safe and comfortable around that. It's like he has this inner power that sorts everything out - so if you are out, say in a restaurant or at a tourist attraction, you know that he will get exactly what he wants.

I am also very envious of his total lack of emotional involvement and his invulnerability as I am very emotional. It's like ying and yang.

Mine was both of you combined. What a nightmare when he lost control.

That is the question.

None of my partners have ever been diagnosed with NPD, but I think my last partner has it, and possibly my ex husband too – both the covert type, I can't stand braggers.

phoenix_rising wrote:I'm usually quite good at quickly sizing up ppl and figuring out what they're all about, but not him. He's like a fantastic puzzle I can never quite figure out.

This is also true for me. I guess it's time for me to seriously consider becoming a psych professional so that I can play puzzle outside my love life...

Usually, with the controlling types, that's how it goes: I make a good trophy and they chase me. I don't like being seduced or "conquered", so I pull away. They then get sweeter and sweeter, let me peep into their black souls and I'm moved by their melancholy. At this point the hormones are roaring.

When I was younger I had health problems which made me more fragile and willing to accept their offers for help. I used to have weak boundaries, too – for this, and other reasons originating from my relationship with my parents.

When controlling patterns emerge, though, I see red. I hate being controlled and have by now developed much better boundaries. I start detaching emotionally (in the past that was a lot more difficult, because I was much less cautious from the start and let relationships develop too quickly) and they get mad at me. So the relationship either dies or slowly shifts to a different level: in time they stop controlling me (that is, start controlling someone else) and I can still enjoy some kind of connection. When controlling issues are out of the way, I can easily enjoy relating to emotionally detached types. This almost surely has to do with the attachment style I developed in my childhood as the only child of quite an anxious and intrusive mother.

Unique Username wrote:how incredibly, borderline eerily, comfortable they were talking to me and expressing themselves in front of me.

This has never been the case for me. These people make me quiver... Which makes it even more exciting.

There definitely is for me. I'm BPD with narcissistic features, so it can be fun to bask in the mutual crazy fabulousness for a while. When my personality has been stronger, I avoid getting emotionally attached longer than the guy, when his was stronger, he kept me guessing and running for quite a while after he'd 'caught' me. The guy who kept me at bay longest is the one I miss the most.

I love the confidence and the swagger or, if they're quieter the wonderful radiating of invincibility narcs do. I also love those little glimpses they give you behind the curtain - so tantalizing and delicious. The controlling behaviors and the arguing is always what sinks it: I get sick of that crap after a while, and stop talking to them. The last, powerful narc I dealt with though had me so wrapped around his finger that after he torpedoed my professional life, I still wanted him back. Would never pursue him, but the emotional pull is still there.

littlerbear wrote:The controlling behaviors and the arguing is always what sinks it:

This is why I left my ex.
Well I doubt I'm with an N now, his therapist confirmed that as well, he called him a "stone" instead. Funny because his profession involves stones/bricks/design ect. anyway...

For me, I think I am drawn by intellect and attention. I feel discouraged by humanity in general and their lack of paying attention. I thrive on people who are aware and N's are in many ways. I am one of those "eternal nurse" types. I'm a giver. After my divorce, I do believe I have found myself resisting giving too much. In fact, for a while I just enjoyed being dotted on and sucked it up like a sponge. I know I need balance and a reciprocal relationship is the best. I'm the submissive in the relationship. I'm the puppy dog who wants to cheer others up. I may be headstrong yet I look for someone stronger and whose mind works in ways mine never will and they have to have a high degree of intelligence. I also enjoy the abstract and different. I find psychology and the mind very fascinating.

I appreciate the replies here. It kind of confirms what I've been thinking.

Unique Username wrote:Very nice thread! I like the idea here.

The most consistent quality that women tell me got them hooked and made our relationship more than just physical, was how incredibly, borderline eerily, comfortable they were talking to me and expressing themselves in front of me.

That's because the way to a woman's heart (and panties) is through her brain.