Help with Narcissistic boss!

Hi all,

I know I'm not supposed to diagnose others and usually it takes me more than one week of knowing someone to make an opinion, but this guy has managed to traumatize me within first 3 days days of meeting him! I'm suspecting him of NPD, and he has the potential of becoming my working-place-nightmare.

A little background : I'm working at a small company on a technical support position, and until recently I've been all alone in the office, as the last sales manager was sacked. The company is not doing great but there is a lot of room for improvement and that's why a new sales manager was selected - to boost sales and improve pretty much everything. I am not a perfect employee but I'm doing my best, I care about the company and above all, I love my job, so I'm more than willing to follow a good leader.

I am still shocked and amazed on how this guy behaved from the first minute he came into the office. He aggresively positioned himself as the top dog, the emperor of everything and the manager that this company needs. He literally pissed on every tree, marked his territory in a very violent way.

Just a few examples :

- He boasted as being the leader of operations here, everything is on his shoulders. He's just sales manager actually, not country manager, but our CM is in another region.

- He actively tries to tell me what to do, he does not accept ANY comment. In one week he listened and accepted ZERO ideas of mine (I have been with the company for a year). He always interrupts me and never lets me finish a phrase.

- He is energetic, exuberant, he knows all the bosses of all the big companies.

- He wants to talk the the general manager of everything. Talking to anybody in a lower-position is a waste of time for him.

- He talks loudly on the phone, pacing the room at high speed. His conversations tone depends on who's on the other end : A customer service rep. will get pushed in the corner, a manager or GM will be sucked up.

- He never showed any interest on what his actual job is about. When I've tried to explain a few things about what he's supposed to do, he quickly shut me down. This is not a man embracing his new company, this is a man who will conquer his new company. He's all about meetings and going to the top, not reading emails and doing actual work. He actually said "When I read e-mails, it means I don't work".

- Our country manager sent him an agenda about a 3 day schedule they would have togheter. 2 days trainings, 1 day meetings. He completely changed it within 2 hours, now it's just 3 days of meetings with our partners.

- Probably worst of all, he is getting physical with me. We were in a store the other day, and he wanted me to look at a specific shelf. He grabbed me by the neck and literally pushed me into the shelf. In another store I was talking to a clerk, and he noticed a client approaching the clerk (with no real intention of asking the clerk something). He actually grabbed my hand from behind and starting pulling me away, as I was still talking to the guy. I resisted so we ended up in a strange position with this buy guy hanging on to me while I was talking...very strange.
I'm all about manly, friendly touches - this was not it. This was him telling me where to go and what to do , NOW.

- He very brutally hunts my every mistake. Like answering the phone in wrong way, or writing an email in a certain language. While I do appreciate any input and I'm willing to improve, he creates this scenario in which my mistake is actually responsible for the company low market share. It's easy to link every little thing to sales, and that's what he's doing.

- When I started to suspect NPD, i did a quick test : I made a joke about him losing 10% charisma because he loves Apple instead of PC. He spent the next 20 minutes arguing about this 10%, and did not quit until I admitted that his charisma is at 120% now. On another ocassion I made fun of his eating habbits and his expression changed, he told me he will prove me wrong in a dark, menacing voice. I will not repeat these tests This is a very insecure person, any challenges to his image are dangerous. He, on the other hands, makes smart comments about my weight and work efficiency all the time.

I apologize for the long rant and possible paranoia, but this guy is out to get me. He will link the company problems to my job, to what I did NOT do until now, thank's God he's here now...
I can already feel the NPD mechanism - destroy others to improve, by comparison, his self-image.
I know it looks strange to say this after only one week, but he really came into this office like a thunderstorm.

On day 2 I actually woke up in the middle of the night, and started to figure out what to do about this guy, what my approach should be. Only one woman managed to do this to me, and she was a textbook Histrionic Personality Disorder. NPD is not an improbable diagnosis for this guy.

I love my job, I love my colleagues and I want this company to do well. The scariest part is - this guy could be the one to boost sales, arrogance and the right contacts are key in this job. If that will be the case, my opinion and feelings on the matter will become irrelevant. And I love this job.

Please help with ideas on how to handle him.

Thanks

I understand am in the same situation except two months in and little doubt he has NPD.

Is he a competent boss? Does he actually know the areas he claims to know? Is his advice and feedback usually correct?

Be thankful if the above is true. Mine nitpicks on stupid little things too (email, meeting minutes, etc.), but unfortunately he is incompetent in our technical area. If he backed off and did not meddle in things he does not understand then his NPD management style would still be annoying - but it would not threaten our company's bottom line.

This is my second boss who both myself and others described the attributes as much most if not all the traits on the DSM list. I handled the last situation badly, but am trying better this time.

My best suggestion is to find a way to create boundaries around your job and work, give him what he wants or needs at least to some degree even if it seems pointless, tiptoe around his ego and avoid criticism as much as you can - try to get him to think ideas are his and let him take credit. Blow off and ignore rants and ranting emails...no reason to feed the fire. Show respect for his authority and expertise and be patient in listening to his long stories that take 30 min for a 2 min conversation, plus try to find a way to keep working will saying "uh-huh" at the right times.

Get agreements in writing or by email that specifically list and limit the scope of your work and activities and remind him of that when he tries to add special projects, etc. "But I thought you wanted me to focus on <blank>" or "I won't be able to complete <blank> on time like you wanted me to".

Keep a very good record of what you do and accomplish and note anything he does behaviorally out of the ordinary. Beware his power and recognize your lack of power. Do not trust HR as they work for the company and not you.

The question comes down to if he sees you as a threat or useful. If he is competent or not. If he is preventing you from doing your job and if you can solve that so you are not fired. I think your comment about him touching you is different. You definitely should tell him that it is inappropriate for him to manhandle you and list the times/dates after documented a few with witnesses and tell him that it is unacceptable and unprofessional and you expect it to not happen again. Seriously - grabbing you by the neck is assault/battery and if you have witnesses you could have him AND the company charged. You can make it about his image and the company image too...see if you can stroke his ego a bit ("I expect better out of you...").

You could be right as I detected this guy on the very few days as his behavior was checking off criteria right and left. My boss got himself moved up reporting directly to the director in the first few days as he could not accept otherwise.

Your problem is similar to mine...almost only 1.5 years for me and not secure enough in my position for a guy above me with power to not mess things up. He created artificial conflicts and issues so he could take credit for solving them and blaming me. We were under-resourced before my boss came and instead of helping the workload - he adds to it and messes with things that already worked.

I am trying to find a way to appease him, boundaries around my work, let me do my job and force him to take responsibility for decisions I find questionable (email confirmation, etc.). In his first couple of weeks he went behind my back and rewrote a specification I owned and I got an odd call from the supplier who quoted on it asking WTF was going on.

These NPD bosses believe they were hired as a resident guru/leader/messiah to fix/change/save everything or force things to be there way and vision. Sometimes that is true, but i doubt the majority of them are Steve Jobs.

If there is anyway to literally just go with the flow and still do your job and have some boundaries and be able to make him feel good - that is ideal. Then it is a matter of time before either 1) He messes up or flames out, 2) He settles in a bit, 3) He sees you as a threat, 4) You reach your limit and find another job or get fired because your frustration is seeping out of you.

I do not know the answers, but I would say 3-6 months and either you find a way to make it work, leave for another place or risk being fired if you keep butting heads with the guy. One of the things that irks them is independent thinkers and leaders when they want obedient followers, workers or worshipers(narcissistic supply).

Oh brother

Spare me creativedude...spare me

Pink01 wrote:Oh brother

Spare me creativedude...spare me

So does that make you pro-choke holds as a workplace motivational tool?

No I was laughing at the fact that this OP has your M.O written all over it.

Pink01 wrote:No I was laughing at the fact that this OP has your M.O written all over it.

It is not an M.O. or agenda in your sense. Cannot not understand that in the real world people are looking for answers on how to deal with PD people and NPDs with their traits can make it extremely difficult to work with them or for them constructively for the good of the company or in a manner that is healthy.

Ignoring or feeding trolls on the internet is easy...doing the same for an NPD in real life is extremely hard. I would still like a better relationship with my NPD father, but the person trapped by his own behavior and personality is him.

Do you feel trapped by your personality and behavioral quirks?

It is not an M.O. or agenda in your sense. Cannot not understand that in the real world people are looking for answers on how to deal with PD people and NPDs with their traits can make it extremely difficult to work with them or for them constructively for the good of the company or in a manner that is healthy.

that's not what I'm trying....
oh you'll never understand what I'm getting at because you're trying to convince me you're a different person then OP.

Pink01 wrote:
that's not what I'm trying....
oh you'll never understand what I'm getting at because you're trying to convince me you're a different person then OP.

You think that Branco and I are the same person?!? If that is what you are getting at then you really need some type of reality check. He sounds like he is in a similar, but slightly different situation. Only someone with at least some narc traits would even think of such a thing.

creativedude wrote:

Pink01 wrote:
that's not what I'm trying....
oh you'll never understand what I'm getting at because you're trying to convince me you're a different person then OP.

You think that Branco and I are the same person?!? If that is what you are getting at then you really need some type of reality check. He sounds like he is in a similar, but slightly different situation. Only someone with at least some narc traits would even think of such a thing.

ok "creative dude"

Branco wrote:
- Probably worst of all, he is getting physical with me. We were in a store the other day, and he wanted me to look at a specific shelf. He grabbed me by the neck and literally pushed me into the shelf.


Please help with ideas on how to handle him.

Thanks

Your manager is an abusive person.
Instead of trying to diagnose him, deal with issues.
People coming to this forum with the hands on diagnosis are triggering my frustration.I have NPD and I am not abusive at all. In fact, my problem would be how to stand up to that person and I would have been equally frustrated.

Being physical is not acceptable.
This is perhaps the first thing to discuss with the upper management of your company.
Especially if you live in Western Europe or North America, you have a case.

As he is obviously behaving the same to others, he perhaps won't last long in the company.

-- Sat Jan 25, 2014 4:15 pm --

VioletAasA wrote:

Branco wrote:
- Probably worst of all, he is getting physical with me. We were in a store the other day, and he wanted me to look at a specific shelf. He grabbed me by the neck and literally pushed me into the shelf.


Please help with ideas on how to handle him.

Thanks

Your manager is an abusive person.
Instead of trying to diagnose him, deal with issues.
People coming to this forum with the hands on diagnosis are triggering my frustration.I have NPD and I am not abusive at all. In fact, my problem would be how to stand up to that person and I would have been equally frustrated.

Being physical is not acceptable.
This is perhaps the first thing to discuss with the upper management of your company.
Especially if you live in Western Europe or North America, you have a case.

It is not your responsibility to handle physical abuse, it is the task for the upper management.

As he is obviously behaving the same to others, he perhaps won't last long in the company.