When you fear losing a "source"

As a narcissist, how might you react when you do something to lose a valuable source of supply? Like when they ignore or go no contact because of something you've done? Do you smother them with manipulations? Do you fear them because, in a way, you've exposed a bit of your true self? Do you avoid them because you avoid apologies? If this person was a valuable object that walked away because of your obviously (I mean unarguably) bad behavior by anyone's standards, how might you react if at all?

Keep in mind that this stuff is largely done instinctively. There are very few self-aware Narcs who are deliberately plotting to do this stuff.

Anyway, I would probably try to win the person back a couple of times but if I didn't get a favorable response, I would just forget about the person and move on. Every Narc is going to be different in this regard though. I realize that there are a lot of supposed Narc "victims" on this forum who claim that their Narc spent weeks, months, or years trying to get them back. I would respond to that by saying that it certainly is possible these people were Narcs, but NPD is much more rare than the Nons on this forum seem to believe. I would guess that maybe one out of every 1,000 people is NPD. If it were more common, we'd know it.

Anyway, I've only known two other people throughout my entire life who I believe were full blown NPD. One was a guy who would pursue what I now realize were his supply sources to the ends of the earth. So yes, that kind of Narc does exist. The other was more like me and just decided not to care once someone rejected him (though he did have a thing for one girl, who was also disordered, who he kept hoovering back into a relationship). Everyone is going to be different here.

I guess in many cases it's not getting the supply back. Only maintaining reputation an keeping an option.
"I don't care about you one bit right now, but never say never.."

Anyway, I would probably try to win the person back a couple of times but if I didn't get a favorable response, I would just forget about the person and move on.

This accords with what I wrote here on a similar thread topic:

There are a lot (billions) of other people in the world and they will do just as well. So as soon as he realises you are seriously no contact, he's moved on to the next person. It's like his TV stopped working, he might bash it a couple of times, maybe change the plug but if it still doesn't work,it's on the scrap heap without a thought and he's bought a new one that's better and newer.


narcissistic-personality/topic128182.html

Thanks for the responses and all of them make sense. They sound consistent with how one would expect someone with narcissism might react. I apologize if my questions are redundant, but the more answers I get (to even the same question), the better I feel. The individual experiences help me to see it from all angles, not just some de-humanizing dictionary definition. I am much more interested in the disorder itself than gaining sympathy...it is in the past for me, but anyone who's been through kindergarten knows that it is wise to learn from your mistakes. So thank you for helping me learn.

On that note, this particular narcissist is still around after months of me avoiding him. I feel as though he is trying to say "see me? I'm still here. See how nice I really am?" Because of his persistence, it's safe to conclude that he misses my "attention". I just don't understand why he doesn't do anything direct. No approaching me, no fake apologies, etc. He is not shy towards other people. I feel that he is scared of me (or confrontation) when it wouldn't bother him with anyone else. The frustration is that I know he wants my attention (through his own behavior), so why won't he be direct about it? I don't want to give it to him, but I would like to hear his explanation. I believe, as a narcissist, he would be gone or express utter disinterest by now. Not to mention that once a narcissist has a target, aren't they aggressive about attaining it? There is something holding him back. I just need him to do one thing or the other...there is no relationship either way. Wish he'd disappear or explain himself and then let it all go. It just sucks that I "get" it but he's still on the perimeter. Surprisingly, I'm getting used to it. My conflict is that, based on typical narcissistic behavior, I thought he would be putting all if his energy into gaining someone else's attention when all of MY behavior screams "waste of time for you."

white flower wrote:No approaching me, no fake apologies, etc. He is not shy towards other people. I feel that he is scared of me (or confrontation)

He is afraid. Maybe you are still his easiest target/most productive. "Best value for the money"
He doesn't have self confidence, he couldn't bare you saying no.
But on the other hand, if you'd suggest something to him. He could say no.
You'll never know what they are up to.

I can see that. SO grateful for the input. I also have to keep reminding myself that I'm dealing with a child (emotionally) and that HE probably couldn't even explain why he does what he does.

Supply/source is a stupid word for that infact I dont really like the way it's used.


You're an object of interest. You can have two states as such - you can like him(be submissive towards his ego) or you can hate him(be oppositional towards his ego).

When you hate him(perceived as not validating his ego) - you're a threat - you need to be pacified or removed

When you like him(perceived as validating his ego) - you're an asset - you need to be absorbed

He exerts covert/passive effort(being a covert narc) in order to switch you from hating him to liking him. If his effort results in success he will have learned a control method - this will cause him to experience reward/success and increase his self esteem. Your switch from hating him to liking him will validate him, validate his self-esteem. This will cause him to think he absorbed you and controls you and will change his attitude to overt effort in using you to increase his image with someone else exerting covert/passive effort towards that someone else.

So

What you gonna do?


I can also tell you why he's stuck on you. You validated his inflated ego at least once - switched to liking him and he thought he learned to control you and got some reward/success of it. The taste of control/success got him addicted for more. The fact that this was stopped at the beggining stages of infatuation - means he is very addicted. He is also torturing himself by being close to you in his passive/covert efforts. If you let him have it he will wear out his addiction by ruining you.

Addx! Yea!

Any who, that's awesome. That makes perfect sense. Can I ask why is he torturing himself? How is being around me torturing? Doesn't he hate me? If I dislike someone, I avoid them if it can't be worked out.

white flower wrote:As a narcissist, how might you react when you do something to lose a valuable source of supply? Like when they ignore or go no contact because of something you've done? Do you smother them with manipulations? Do you fear them because, in a way, you've exposed a bit of your true self? Do you avoid them because you avoid apologies? If this person was a valuable object that walked away because of your obviously (I mean unarguably) bad behavior by anyone's standards, how might you react if at all?

I have had situations like this, and usually i actively try and 'win them back'. So i guess using your words i would be 'smothering them with manipulation'. It's not however to maintain a relationship, it's more because i don't like things ending on other people's terms, and prefer my own. Shortly after i win them back, i am likely to do the same thing back to them. Sort of immature revenge, but it is usually effective. As it happens they don't like being ignored any less than me, and then they try win me back, it feeds my supply. Then i will continue, and eventually say, don't have any time for you, bye. Then things are on my terms, and my control and i have effectively got revenge and won. I have done this a few times. Reading back sounds like something a BPD would do.