If he fears me, why didn't he just leave me alone?

If he fears what I supposedly represent as a woman (intimacy, engulfment, his mother, whatever) why didn't he just keep to himself? I didn't approach him. And he STILL seems anxious when he's around me. Why is he attracted to and avoidant towards me? He lingers and changes his schedule to match mine, but hasn't approached me since I stopped talking to him (there is no confusion as to why I stopped talking to him). His behavior is conflicting and it is frustrating to witness. I try to get out of the way completely, but he just adjusts. I understand the whole narcissistic supply thing but he can get that from anyone. It's been almost 3 months of me ignoring him, but he still hangs around. Almost like he's waiting for permission to apologize. You'd think he'd be bored and unstimulated by it all.

You know I'm starting to wonder if they do this just to keep you emotionally hanging on.

They don't want us, but they like the idea of us still wanting them.

I could be off base, but yours seems like mine. I can't figure out any other explanation for their constant reminders of themselves.

It's cruel & it's effed up.

Yes, definitely some parallels going on. It's not even hoovering (where they make obvious attempts to regain your attention). More like stalking, though I don't fear for my life and he isn't obviously intrusive (no phone calls or emails). Just making himself available when he has the option to completely avoid me physically. I think his perspective is that I'm being stubborn. The reality is that I'm moving on and making attempts at "out of sight, out of mind." I am currently moving towards making myself completely inaccessible. That'll take time though. It is painfully obvious that he is the only one who could initiate an apology. The ball is totally in his court. Like I said, it's like he wants me to break the ice, but any mature man would agree that he needs to take the responsibility with it. At this point, it won't even matter...from my viewpoint, our friendship is dead. I can respect an apology though.

Yes, I get the stalking. Mine has been showing up a lot of places too. I've never been fearful of it, but it's hard. When I quit smoking, I avoided being around smokers, going to places where people would be smoking. It made it easier for me. But with the ex, finding him around every corner is really hard. I find myself having to change routine, right now, I'm parking in a different spot at school & hiding around the corner.

Out of sight, out of mind certainly helps. So why they need to be everywhere I don't know, other than to just remind us of their existence or get a hit.

When I break, I break. I don't want or need to go following an ex around the place. They're an ex for a reason. It's weird and creepy.

If he's a narc, you're not going to get an apology.

It's all so strange. I feel as though he hates me (maybe mysogynistic?) when there's no rational reason to. If anything, it should be the other way around according to all the laws of civility. Hate is a waste of time. But why is he hoping for a "hit" from me? It was my understanding that narcs moved on. Like if their "toy" is defective, they go buy a new one. I feel like screaming "go buy a new one already." He HAS apologized for a previous offense before. It was a year ago. Alas, I am not holding my breath. It would be nice, but still not holding my breath.

Honestly, I just don't know. I concluded its to get a hit or to cause torment.

My ex is reasonably civil, but seems to enjoy sticking the boot in. Even when things were good, one day he'd be nice, the next he'd be curt & rude.

Another member here said her ex was following her around too. Weird behavior.

I can't avoid mine all the time, but plan to starve him by changing my routine. Seeing him hurts too much. It sets be back.

How long since you broke up?

white flower wrote:Why is he attracted to and avoidant towards me?

Your romantic interest in him is going to provide him with massive supply, probably more supply than he'd get in other situations. Plus, he may be an NPD, but he's still a man, and is going to desire the company of a woman and the physical intimacy that your attention makes possible. At the same time, just as you ascertained, he is likely experiencing engulfment/attachment fears and his defenses are triggered by the emotional intimacy between the two of you. If you put all of that together, you end up with the very type of behavior that you described, where he is both attracted to you and avoidant of you.

I think for a lot of NPDs, romantic endeavors are kind of like a very potent drug. The drug provides them with a greater high than would other drugs (other forms of supply). But coming down from the high sucks and the drug has numerous unpleasant side-effects (anxiety, etc). So the NPD is stuck trying to decide whether he wants the high from the drug, or whether he'd rather pass up that high and avoid dealing with the side-effects. Hence attraction-avoidance.

Ours was more of a friendship and I'm thinking, in retrospect and because of his narcissism, he was imagining it as more (enter narcissistic tendency to fantasize). At least that's the only way I can rationalize it. I'm sure someone with more experience with covert narcissism might have a different idea. I appreciate all perspectives though. I am almost tempted to request a truce just so we can function politely. But I don't want to go through it all again. I have to remind myself that with a narcissist it's all or nothing at all.

-- Mon Nov 04, 2013 10:48 pm --

I really just talk to him (or just listen to him talk about himself). ANYONE can do that for him, even another woman. I guess I just assume that these deep fears they have would kill any desire to be around the opposite sex. If it's romantic for them, wouldn't it diminish their libido? The fear for them seems primal. Like their survival depends on avoiding the opposite sex at ALL costs (including the expense of the sex drive).

-- Mon Nov 04, 2013 11:02 pm --

white flower wrote:I really just talk to him (or just listen to him talk about himself). ANYONE can do that for him, even another woman.

You're obviously reflecting back to him something he likes to see. Everyone is going to reflect back something different as he's interacting with them. It's not going to be the same for each person. Subtle things that you might not even be aware of are going to matter tremendously. Even things like the way you look at him as he's talking are going to matter a lot. If the way you interact with him signals to him that somewhere deep down inside you are putting him on a pedestal, you'll become like crack to him.