When I'm discarded I can't tell if he's the N or if I am.

Most of the time I know I'm a dependent personality and he is narcissistic, but during a break up I actually start to believe that I am the covert narcissist and he is perfectly normal and wonderful and abused by me. I start to theorize that it's my personality disorder that has traumatized him and ruined our perfect love. When I read about NPD I can see it from two sides. On one side he is a pathological liar, sexual dysfunctional, sadistic, fears and preys on weakness, and alternately hates people and needs them to validate him. On the other side, when I'm being abandoned I'll do anything to keep him. I'll employ a kaleidoscope of tactics to secure him until I hit on a weak spot. I'll cajole, remind him of the good times, tell him no one will ever understand him the way I do, remind him of the time he said our bond was unbreakable. I'll tell him that we both know that this is just what he does and in a week he'll miss me, but that I know he is strong and could live without me, but why make himself suffer like that when he can just have me back right now. I promise to give more and be more submissive.

When I do this I feel almost nothing. I'm acting. There are tears or trembles in my voice. There is passion alternating with weakness and submission. I do it all until I find a kink in the armor. So far I've always found it. But when it's all said and done I feel like the covert narcissist for even trying. I can't let go of MY supply, even though it would be best for both of us.

The last argument started because I was taking a nap when he texted me that he was headed over to pick me up. When he got here it took me 10 min to get ready to go. He was pissed, but not really showing it. I asked "why are you so mad" when I knew exactly why he was upset. He let me know what a worthless person I am for being asleep at 6:30pm (even though he naps all the time), how inconsiderate I was not to be ready (even tough we hadn't agreed on a time to pick me up.)

I just couldn't help being like "Really?! 10min?! Don't you realize how low maintenance I am?! How dare you be irritated!"

I'm with a narcissist, and walking on egg shells, but I still think I'm the real narcissist because I'm just not good enough at giving everything and asking for nothing. And then I also just hope he really doesn't call me again this time. Because no matter how much I act like I need him, and I do, it's such a relief when he's not around.

How can you be "the narcissist in the relationship" if you've been discarded?

Either you haven't been discarded and the person hasn't broken up with you unless they say they have or they have a PD which means they "discard" people.

I'm pretty oblivious to the state of relationships unless people point them out. This isn't narcissistic, its "normal" in the sense that I assume everything is OK unless anyone says otherwise or clearly shows something is wrong. I'm not suggesting I'm completely normal, I'm not, but my attitude is.

If you're constantly focussed on the state of your relationship, yes that's a sign of problems somewhere.

My boyfriend discards me often. Well, he breaks up with me often and devalues me. I'm stupid, no good, he doesn't love me, and all the good things he's said recently have been lies. Then I go into my act of getting him back the way I described (which makes me feel like a covert narcissist manipulating him). Then he comes back and tells me he's always loved me and will always love me and we've never really broken up.

This has happened at least once a month for the past 2-3 years.

Chained wrote:Most of the time I know I'm a dependent personality and he is narcissistic, but during a break up I actually start to believe that I am the covert narcissist and he is perfectly normal and wonderful and abused by me. I start to theorize that it's my personality disorder that has traumatized him and ruined our perfect love. When I read about NPD I can see it from two sides. On one side he is a pathological liar, sexual dysfunctional, sadistic, fears and preys on weakness, and alternately hates people and needs them to validate him. On the other side, when I'm being abandoned I'll do anything to keep him. I'll employ a kaleidoscope of tactics to secure him until I hit on a weak spot. I'll cajole, remind him of the good times, tell him no one will ever understand him the way I do, remind him of the time he said our bond was unbreakable. I'll tell him that we both know that this is just what he does and in a week he'll miss me, but that I know he is strong and could live without me, but why make himself suffer like that when he can just have me back right now. I promise to give more and be more submissive.

When I do this I feel almost nothing. I'm acting. There are tears or trembles in my voice. There is passion alternating with weakness and submission. I do it all until I find a kink in the armor. So far I've always found it. But when it's all said and done I feel like the covert narcissist for even trying. I can't let go of MY supply, even though it would be best for both of us.

I'm with a narcissist, and walking on egg shells, but I still think I'm the real narcissist because I'm just not good enough at giving everything and asking for nothing. And then I also just hope he really doesn't call me again this time. Because no matter how much I act like I need him, and I do, it's such a relief when he's not around.

NPDers do not have exclusive rights to lying. But they are the best distributors of guilt and best sales-men for lack of confidence. Before you know it, you'll buy tonnes of both.

We all lie to keep a person we love, or keep a job, or gain money. We all lie for keeping something or someone valuable.
But the Narcissist doesn't do that. He lies and manipulates to keep and preserve and glorify himself. The only prize he is after is his narcissistic supply. The only companion he tries to keep is his image. You are not like that. You want to keep him. You are losing part of you for the sane of another person. That is not what narcissists do.

Please read about how the NPDer can instil feelings of guilt and worthlessness in his lovers to control them, the way a spider's poison anesthetizes the fly so it doesn't resist him much when he devours her. Read about how he can gradually mess with your logic to make you believe that you are just like him. It is a very common and very typical NPD behavior and seem to carry all the signs of that terrible kind of abuse. It is often mentioned on this board and there are so many books and research done on it. It is really worth the time you'll invest in reading it.

I don't know you and I don't know your NPDer, and I am not sure if you can forgive me for being blunt, but what you have is not a relation. It is a crime, a psychological homicide. Run out of it, break the chain and run. You are being poisoned.

Chained wrote:My boyfriend discards me often. Well, he breaks up with me often and devalues me. I'm stupid, no good, he doesn't love me, and all the good things he's said recently have been lies. Then I go into my act of getting him back the way I described (which makes me feel like a covert narcissist manipulating him). Then he comes back and tells me he's always loved me and will always love me and we've never really broken up.

This has happened at least once a month for the past 2-3 years.

ummm. I'm no Doc, but he sounds like a total N. Textbook Mean Sweet cycle mind games. Designed to make you do exactly what you started this thread for. Question your state of mind. (IMO)

The end game is to break you down emotionally to the point where the only person you confide in is him, and his endless loop of games. To make it so that you become lost inside yourself, and where you're "walking on eggshells" just to keep him content. Or in other words: Submit all control to him.

The constant discarding is to test how much he can get away with saying, or doing to you.



..... (IMO)

You're saying that you'll do anything to keep him around, but you don't really want him (as you said, you feel better when he's not around).

You are making his behavior about you: "not good enough at giving everything and asking for nothing" when in reality, there is no way you could ever give or do enough to please him, he will only ever be looking for your flaws. By believing there is something you could do to make him want you, and by believing that you need him, you'll do all that unemotional, manipulative stuff to try to prove to him that you are good enough and make him want you.

I don't think that makes you a narc, I think it means you've had yourself convinced that keeping him around is a goal worth achieving no matter the cost. That seems in-line with the dependant personality you said you have.

You're right. I'm just like all the other women who come here who just need to go no contact. I thought in some way I was different. I thought I was somehow learning or dealing with my own issues in this relationship. Maybe I was and maybe I wasn't, but if this had anything to teach me, I have already learned it. I have a career, my own money, my own place, my own life. I have NO objective reason not to be thrilled with my life, and I have no reason to be in a relationship where I get nothing back but heartache. He's nothing but a bad habit. ###$ that.

Chained wrote:My boyfriend discards me often. Well, he breaks up with me often and devalues me. I'm stupid, no good, he doesn't love me, and all the good things he's said recently have been lies. Then I go into my act of getting him back the way I described (which makes me feel like a covert narcissist manipulating him). Then he comes back and tells me he's always loved me and will always love me and we've never really broken up.

This has happened at least once a month for the past 2-3 years.

Ahh I see.

I talk to someone with PD type problems too and they also do this hot & cold stuff, but I just carry on acting as normal as best as I can unless I lose my temper, and I have to admit I do have some problems with anger management.

I'm working on it - did pretty well today when an appliance I was using ###$ up on me and may have wrecked something really expensive, but I managed to keep my cool and not waste the rest of the day acting like the tasmanian devil, lol.

But in short, their problems aren't mine. I'll tell them how I see things if that kind of thing happens but that's it. You don't have to do anything, if its their issue, they'll come back to normal of their own accord eventually - sounds like you'd have something to work on yourself (get off the eggshells.)

I'm not saying don't help or make it clear where you stand, just saying you don't have to take actual responsibility for anyone else's feelings.

DNoble1389 wrote:ummm. I'm no Doc, but he sounds like a total N. Textbook Mean Sweet cycle mind games. Designed to make you do exactly what you started this thread for. Question your state of mind. (IMO)

The end game is to break you down emotionally to the point where the only person you confide in is him, and his endless loop of games. To make it so that you become lost inside yourself, and where you're "walking on eggshells" just to keep him content. Or in other words: Submit all control to him.

The constant discarding is to test how much he can get away with saying, or doing to you.

Interesting to see a perspective on what goes on in the person's mind at the time.

What would cause a person who does this to get together with a person who won't question their own state of mind in response to this kind of thing? The kind of person who will just turn round and think "damn, something is a problem here".

When my N found me I was easy pickings. I can't change my past, or even totally identify with it now, but I can describe it.

From my earliest memories I felt like I did not belong here. I awoke to consciousness as "What the ###$ is all this?" For unknown reasons at the age of 5 in kindergarten I felt like I was not good enough to play house with the popular kids, so I played blocks alone instead. I won citizenship award because I spent my recess time cleaning up the play area instead of playing. I did not play because even at the age of 5 I wanted to avoid my peers. I don't know why, these are my earliest memories. This is how it's always been. I feel trapped behind my eyes. Imprisoned in this body, in this life. I do not welcome life and it's why I've never had children. I would not impose life on someone else, ever.

I accepted life like this. I adapted. I read books and did well is school, and mostly avoided people. THEN my narcissists found me and made me feel like life was worth living. I was special and loved and found. I would do anything to protect this new found "self-esteem." Completely dependent self-esteem.

Now I just want to go away and find some blocks to play with and and a good book. Sex and people and desire is all lies.

All that is me on a bad day. On a good day I'm happy just to watch a good TV show or pet a cat or enjoy the sunshine.

My ex was never verbally abusive to me. He just went AWOL when he was devaluing and discarding. And yes, it made me question my state of mind (the first time, the second time I knew it was all him). But yes, you are caught in the pattern of push and pull. It is beyond frustrating. It will reduce you as you try and figure out what the rules are, which change from day-to-day. You will be in a constant state of anxiety. No contact is really the only solution if you're thinking about your own well being.