NPD Couples?

What do you guys think about the potential for success between two NPDs in a romantic/sexual relationship?

In another thread I commented on how like many Narc men, I am attracted to "strong" women in theory, but I devalue and discard them as soon as they turn their strength against me, which is inevitable with a strong woman Non given that she will want things like love and intimacy and I will be unwilling to give her those things to the extent that she prefers. What most Narc men end up doing is going to weak women, whom they pretty much overtly look upon with pity and consider pathetic, but who are submissive enough or have self-esteem low enough to tolerate the Narc's lack of love and intimacy.

But a Narc man and a Narc woman, it seems, would be on the same page as far as love and intimacy goes. They would understand each other, in theory anyway. The problem that I see developing is that each would want to enhance his or her own happiness, instead of striving for mutual happiness. I suppose this sort of relationship could only work if common goals or objectives were sought. Still the two would probably spend most of their lives like civil enemies. I think of Juan and Eva Peron or Bill and Hillary Clinton as possible examples of NPD couples.

Both must have noncompeting agendas in order to stay out of each others way. In the event they cant, one will be more submissive than the other. And both can change roles, depending on who has more to lose if they act out against the other.

uniquelyme wrote:Both must have noncompeting agendas in order to stay out of each others way. In the event they cant, one will be more submissive than the other. And both can change roles, depending on who has more to lose if they act out against the other.

is that even possible when neither person can relinquish control?

wineaux wrote:

uniquelyme wrote:Both must have noncompeting agendas in order to stay out of each others way. In the event they cant, one will be more submissive than the other. And both can change roles, depending on who has more to lose if they act out against the other.

is that even possible when neither person can relinquish control?

It is. One of my longtime "friends" was an NPD and this was essentially how it worked. But the friendship only worked so long as both of us were benefiting fairly equally from the relationship. It's sort of like symbiosis. Once the relationship went out of balance because of lack of common goals, and because I was in the submissive role too often, it fell apart because I devalued and discarded. Two NPDs will never truly care about each other and will always be "civil enemies." This is probably what it would be like dating/marrying another NPD, just with sex added to the equation.

I wasnt self aware at the time I had friendships/relationships with other NPDs, but its not specifically that they idealize the other person. In many cases, it is the idealization of an idea or agenda. Once that ends, so does the relationship. Its either that or they may find something else to idealize in order to hold the relationship together.

I'm diagnosed NPD and my fiancé is diagnosed as being bipolar though I do see some NPD traits in him. I do think that in some ways, we're on the same page. The first time we hung out one on one was pretty much a big shit-talking fest about how idiotic everyone is and how we were both above other people. We relate there, but he also has a weak side that I do like guys to have (because they become more dependent and sort of "locked in" as supply) as long as it isn't too prominent. Guys that are really emotional and cry a lot, for example, repulse me.

I have had friendships with people who had some NPD qualities about them. They were the ones I related to the most and enjoyed being around the most, but our friendships never lasted and there were some pretty ugly conflicts.

VirginiaEsquire wrote:

wineaux wrote:

uniquelyme wrote:Both must have noncompeting agendas in order to stay out of each others way. In the event they cant, one will be more submissive than the other. And both can change roles, depending on who has more to lose if they act out against the other.

is that even possible when neither person can relinquish control?

It is. One of my longtime "friends" was an NPD and this was essentially how it worked. But the friendship only worked so long as both of us were benefiting fairly equally from the relationship. It's sort of like symbiosis. Once the relationship went out of balance because of lack of common goals, and because I was in the submissive role too often, it fell apart because I devalued and discarded. Two NPDs will never truly care about each other and will always be "civil enemies." This is probably what it would be like dating/marrying another NPD, just with sex added to the equation.

This last bit made me laugh. It very much felt this way with my NPD. And as far as roles, they were changed many times throughout the relationship.

I was the one to do the most recent discard, and while pride is keeping me from initiating any contact, we very well may run into one another again and the phrase "civil enemies" feels very applicable. At the same time I don't care if he's alive or not. He remains devalued in my eyes; I'd much rather spend my time with someone far more exciting and superior to him.

Based only on the experience that I had with it, I would say no. There has to be unselfishness for relationships to last. And I mean an actual relationship, not the "publicity stunt" celebrity couples you see on tv. Those are staged for some mutual superficial benefit. They are not true relationships where one expects nothing in return and where there is safety in giving. There is little to no trust when two narcissists are involved. The psychological warfare is the priority, not each other's best interests. If you can only prioritze yourself, all of the elements needed for a true relationship to survive can't flourish. IMO. Sure, you can co-exist and all relationships benefit the people involved "selfishly". The point is that there is no score keeping...you both just give to each other and have enough self respect to not be a doormat. I just picture them constantly being defensive of their pride. Stubbornness and no forward progress with anything.

VE, why is it that N men (generally) are attracted to strong women?

onlytime wrote:VE, why is it that N men (generally) are attracted to strong women?

A lot of reasons. They want someone to take on the world with. They are in part looking for someone to play the role of their mother. They want someone they see as an equal. And since they are subconsciously afraid that they are inadequate, they probably view a "weak" woman as someone who would ditch them the moment all her friends and family turn against him (which he assumes will happen, though he doesn't realize this is because of his own fears of inadequacy).

VirginiaEsquire wrote: They want someone to take on the world with. They are in part looking for someone to play the role of their mother. They want someone they see as an equal. And since they are subconsciously afraid that they are inadequate, they probably view a "weak" woman as someone who would ditch them the moment all her friends and family turn against him (which he assumes will happen, though he doesn't realize this is because of his own fears of inadequacy).

Exactly what my ex said to me. "We will have the most pure love and all will be jealous of our love!" And there were a few other things he said that indicated it was "him and me" against the world.

Possibly this is better suited for a different thread, but your comment made me think......
Since I was so vulnerable to the manipulation and idealization.....wondering if he saw me as weak and easy prey? Or did he see me as strong? Or perhaps a combination? I generally have a strong personality (loud, aggressive, confrontational) and yet am quite compassionate, nurturing, and giving. So which traits attracted him, do you think?