Dealing with pressure to re-engage contact with an N parent

I'm an adult and have been NC with my N mother for the past 6 months. My dad, though, has often been pressuring me passive aggressively to re-engage contact with her. He doesn't realize that meeting with her would do further damage to me.

Recently, he invited me to a restaurant with my uncle, but didn't tell me that she was going to be there until I asked him 2 hours before the dinner. When I respectfully declined to attend the dinner upon learning that, he got angry and tried to make me feel guilty (not something new). For the first time, though, I decided to stand up for myself and told him not to talk to me that way. He then angrily told me that he doesn't like the way I'm talking to him--in other words, he doesn't like me standing up for myself. Before we hanged up the phone, he said to me "Be healthy" in a passive aggressive and sarcastic tone, trying to make me feel even more guilty.

How do you deal with the pressure to re-engage contact with your N parent? When do you just bite your lip and cave-in to the pressure? Do you think my dad is an enable or N or both?

Enabling can be very, very covert, but you wouldn't be posting if you didn't think that was the case.

My mother has reached a point of being very obvious about "enabling" for my N father. So, i know how that feels. It seems almost unreal the things the enabling parent are willing to do, or say just to keep their N in check.

This is the one behavior i don't understand yet in regards to dealing with N's.

Does the enabling parent FEAR the rage, and abandonment of the N parent? Thus they do whatever they have to to keep the N calm, and appeased?

OR, is the enabling parent expressing their own codependent narcissistic traits by wanting to control the N parents moods, and actions by any means necessary? AKA "enabling"

In my case it really seems like both, but i'm not sure at all.

For now i'm sadly choosing to treat my enabling parent like they themselves are also a N.

N parents use FOG---fear, obligation, and guilt to control. Basically, they use our own feelings against us. I'm proud of you for being assertive and maintaining your boundaries!

By having your own opinions and standing up for yourself means you are "growing up." Ns DO NOT like this, as it means a challenge to their authority...authority they've had for years and abused.

Abuse does NOT translate to love. Manipulation does NOT translate to love either. In this case, your parents behavior is extremely damaging to you, and it's in your own best interest to stay away from them. Don't feel you are obligated to expose yourself to their toxicity and hurtful behaviors.

I know it sucks to realize your parents are horrible to you, but the sooner you realize and accept this the better off you are. It isn't a reflection of YOU as a person, but it indicates that your parents are incapable of accepting you as an individual and treating you with respect.

Good news: YOU can now decide how much interaction you want with them. Clarity comes with time and distance. Leave them alone for now; and focus on you and your healing.

Good Luck!

You did the right thing. Keep steering clear and things should be fine. Remember, you don't owe your parents anything. You aren't indebted to them simply because they're your parents. When they try to use guilt-tripping tactics like this, just keep doing what you did here. Good job. It takes guts to stand up to an N-parent/enabler.

FYI, they're very cunning N parents because for the past 30 years of my life, they made me financially dependent on them. The only high-paying job I've had in the past is working for my father's company (not anymore). So if I cut ties with my father as well, I'll end up penniless, jobless and homeless. I'm starting to think that that's better compared to dealing with their abuse.

So...I'd rather be a waitress and live in an empty apartment in peace, than be dependent on abusers. Lots of us on here have walked away from the "security" of our "family" in order to save our sanity.

Isn't your self-esteem worth it? I've been on my own since 18; and would choose living in a shelter over exposing myself to my N mother's garbage. I don't deserve to be treated like crap; neither do you.

You can't put a price on emotional well-being.

I see your present in my future....

Ive been NC now for about 8 months. Come the fall, its my birthday, thanksgiving, my partner and kids birthday, christmas, boxing day and new years.

I have dreaded the unexpected arrival ever since day one and installed a remote control camera doorbell. I am wary of attending family events even when they arent around, fearing something akin to your restaurant scenario. My brother is a peacemaker and my GC sister isnt far away and they often stay at her house without informing anyone that they are even in town.

I usually ask first, upon the invitation if there is any chance that they will be there. When i receive the obligatory negative, i calmly reinforce that i dont want to be around them amd if they were to show up i would have to leave immediately and that i would not want to cause a scene in their house. Before i leave i ask calmly to confirm that they wont be there.

This seems to have worked so far. When they call on the phone when im around the hosting brother tends to take control of the call and ensure that the phone doesent get passed around randomly. If they want to talk to someone he takes the phone to them and then regains control of the call afterwards before it gets passed again.

But i dread the most my NM and EF showing up, with my poor EF making the trek up to my door with ge NM in the car begging for reconclliation. i dont know when, why, or what will trigger it but i expect it one day with near certainty.