Am I dating a Narcissist-is there hope?

Hi everyone,
Thanks in advance for reading my post.
I have been in a two year relationship with a guy that I have known for about 10 years (i am 36 he is 37). I always thought he was eccentric, kind, and very sweet, we both play music and have had fun together. For a while I thought he was gay because he never was with a partner, didn't matter I was married. then he did have a girlfriend and that was rocky I would hear how they were always broke up and it seemed very dysfunctional…I then became divorced he was broke up and we started hanging out…he seemed sad, so so hurt, hated women in a way that made me uncomfortable but I felt sad for him. Everyone always did him wrong, never listened loved etc…Something was always "off" and I was trying to figure it out…. I am in the medical field and I though he seemed very much like he had aspergers. He idolized me at first though and I thought things were strange but damn he made me feel good in some ways…after about 6 months…life got crazy. I was on this roller coaster, and in constant confusion. I loved him so much, would give him my world. The more love I would give, the higher he held the hoops that he wanted me to jump through. I became a lying cheating selfish uncaring mean girl, the harder I tried the worse I was. We were breaking up every 2 or 3 days and he just leaves, leaves me confused and just empty. I went from kind outgoing driven passionate girl, to sad confused walking on eggshells constantly to please. I have never tried so hard to please yet been so beaten down. The more he would give the more I try my hardest to have him understand me and know I am not that monster…to validate myself and my goodness. I become obsessed with him not having this terrible picture of me. I have watched my friends become angry at what others see as abuse….but my goodness when its just me and him and our guitars…life is wonderful. The best passionate relationship ever…add in the world and its over, a phone call, a text message, hell if I breathe wrong and he thinks my attention is not focused on him he hates me, hates how terrible I treat him and he leaves me just dying in pain and groveling for him to understand the real me. When things are good though he loves me so much, copies me even, my words mannerisms…its sooo crazy yet so powerful. He doesn't quite fit the narcissist thing in that he isn't like trying to go out and meet women etc…he went with no girlfriend for 8 years…he has no real good social skills in that way. He hated his mother who adopted him at birth….the only person he seems to really love is his son, but even that is strange. He does not seem to know love truly but sometimes I see glimmers of hope and I keep hanging on. I know in my heart the answer to my question…but damn its so hard. Is he a narcissist?

yup. SOunds like one. Even if he isn't, it sounds dreadful. Do yourself a favor and lose him. The beginning was as good as it's going to get and it's long gone.

Any man who hates their mother (or conversely is overly obsessed with his mother) is suspect.

I truly believe that Ns indirectly tell you every rotten little thing there is to know about them and unsuspecting nons just need to listen.

About half of what you've written could describe my relationship with my ex N. The idealizing, the higher hoops, even when I paid attention to my own troubles (ex: the recent death of my father), I got the cold treatment. The personality characteristics you describe, the oddness and weird social skills, for example, mine had too. And yes, when it was just the two of us it was the most perfect thing I ever knew.

He sounds like one, yes. And no, probably not. There probably isn't hope, unless you're ready to lose yourself more and more, and even then, there is no guarantee. He will probably leave you anyway when he gets bored or finds something better. And don't believe that he went 8 years without a girlfriend. N's are very good at hiding what they're doing from other people.

Thanks so much for the replies, I really appreciate it. The more I read the more it seems exactly like what I am dealing with. Oh yeah rivergirl if I pay attention to myself/ my needs he hates that too. If all my energy is not for him, he leaves until he has my undivided attention and when my attention goes elsewhere he is gone with it (he equates obsessive attention with love and makes me feel like a terrible person for having to just be a human with normal life routines…says I want to go to work to get away from him!!!). I had to have surgery was in pain needed support and he just left and did not contact me saying he was angry my ex-husband posted a song on my Facebook page… (ex husband was just being kind and supportive, we have children together) he is always gone…I feel like I am becoming a shell of a person, so sad…I know I have to let go but its so difficult letting go of all the dreams and stuff I wanted so badly to believe. It would be very interesting if he had been seeing other girls and stuff…he is just so socially awkward…he wouldn't even make an advance on me for 2 months I had to do all the work…man I wish I could take that back. I don't know though, Its all so damn crazy anything is possible….he always come back when he is ready to suck more life from me, I just wish I knew how to be done…once and for all without feeling so much heartbreak...

Guitargirl, we could have dated the same guy. My N and I didn't get together until five months after we started talking, and I would have sworn that I was calling all the shots. I wasn't. They just lead us to believe we are. He seemed so quirky and me so charming, that I saw it as kind of cute that I was going for this odd but loving guy. I'm far more physically attractive than he is, so again, I thought he was there to adore me, and I thrived on it. Then, when the grief of losing my father became very real about three months into our relationship, he started with the push and pull. Turns out he had someone else. There was also a point in our relationship when he would meet me on Facebook messages but he wouldn't turn on his chat. He said it was so he could focus on me and not be bothered by other people. I know now he was hiding. His phone would buzz with a text, and he wouldn't look at it, or if he did, he'd tell me it was his father. Many times when I went to use the bathroom, I came back and found him texting. I never asked. I don't know why. I guess he'd somehow trained me not to.

The heartbreak of not having my idealized relationship was unlike anything I've ever known. I became reduced to, yes, a shell, constantly checking my phone for messages and texts, any sign of life. And when I would hear from him, my heart would race and I would get a rush of feeling. And then I wouldn't hear from him for several days.

I broke up with him during this devaluing phase. A friend of mine stood over me and made me write him a Facebook message and then delete his number from my phone. I was sobbing uncontrollably the whole time. A month later, I blocked him on Facebook. I haven't seen him in five months. His last text was two weeks ago. He's trying to get me to remove the block. He doesn't say so directly but instead tells me that I misunderstood what was happening and that his life isn't the same since I disappeared from it. I delete his texts immediately, and I still cry every time I get one. The intensity does wane. Just cut off as many means of contact as you can and tell yourself, "whatever it takes, today I won't call, text, message..."

Sorry, But I agree with the other posters. Regarding hope. Think of her as a lying bit*h. Tolerance will do you no favours either. Being in the presence of an individual with this type of toxic personality for any length of time will undermine your own sense of security and self belief. The efforts to keep the peace, the subtle put downs, and the inconsistencies all create havoc with your sense of self worth. You are used only for his convenience. He comes first and has to have the win over you.
Unfortunately, human nature often gives these guys the benefit of the doubt. We discount our pain and take the blame. Hope fails to tell us tomorrow will just bring more of the same. What hope should be saying is that you can find a better relationship with someone else. Find that hope to move on.
Here's hoping. Marg

I agree with the previous posters that even if he isn't a narc (and he sure sounds like one) it's a toxic relationship, and one that does you no favors.

The thing to remember is that a narc is empty at the core, and in effect, he doesn't know how to love. Having had a similar relationship, all it took for me to get over it 100% was to let the fact that he was incapable of love sink in. That fact, along with the memories of the worst things he's done allowed me to never want a relationship with him again.

Do yourself a huge favor and get him out of your life. You deserve so much better.

I posted this recent development in another thread, but it speaks to the point of not underestimating how much he will lie and how much he can hide from you.

I hired my ex N (when we were together) as a subcontractor for work at my non-profit. His job starts in May and ends in August. Last week, we got a call from child support enforcement in a completely different state. Yeah. He's got a minor child out in the world, and I never knew about him/her, this in addition to the adult child I found out about after we broke up (he was never part of the first child's life) and the two girls from his marriage; the girls are the only two children he acknowledges. I thought I was with someone who could see into my soul. No, I was with an incredibly skilled liar who has left a trail of wrecked lives behind him.

My intent is not to bash but to just speak the truth. These men are a big risk, and a relationship with an N will never be secure or safe.

ugh.

I also can relate to many parts of your story and I was never in a "real" romantic relationship with my N although I did love and trust him as a friend.

The manipulations and abuse can be so insidious that it goes undetected for so long it does begin to feel like WE are in fact the problem. The "crazy" one, the one to blame. At the beginning the N makes us feel like we are so special that even when we realize the problem isn't us we have a tendency to think "but I am special to him, I can make a difference, change him."

Ummmm.....nope.

The manipulations and abuse can be so insidious that it goes undetected for so long it does begin to feel like WE are in fact the problem. The "crazy" one, the one to blame.

The thing about this, is that ( as they say in my country....)

We ARE the problem. We are dysfunctional in a different kind of way. Our willingess to accept the abyssmal lows for short spells of scintillating highs; our need for their Love ( their Love, more than anyone elses ); our warped perception of what real Love is; our empathy; our denial........
Leaving our N r'ship is just the begining.
Uncovering our own defence mechanism ( PD or whatever...) that draws us to dysfunctional partners is as daunting as uncovering THEIR defence mechanisms.