I *think* I just broke up with a Narcissist?

Hello All!

I’m new here, after a week of research I’ve decided to join and ask for some feedback on my experience, or maybe it’s me…

I'm desperately hoping someone will tell me it's not true, that maybe he could change, or something I could do to help and change my behaviors.

Just broke up with a guy after 2.5 months that no matter which way I swing it, seems to be a narcissist. I’m lucky it was only that long, not much longer if my suspicion is correct. A little background:

I met him briefly in the summer of this year; he came to my office for a job interview. As the interviewers were late, I sat with him and made small talk so he didn’t wait too long. At first the conversation went well, but I can’t put my finger on why it suddenly felt awkward for me, or that I was annoying him?

A month later he started at my job- everyone liked him during the interview, I thought he was strange. He quickly won over me- I genuinely liked him- but alienated the entire office with what could only be described as abruptness, aggressiveness, and almost like Asperger’s- he couldn’t read body language to stop- or had such an air of arrogance he seemed to plow through the conversation.

I later found out he had taken the job because he wanted to get closer to me. He said he planned it very carefully and waited until the right time to act. He split with his over 1 year girlfriend, citing reasons such as not really caring for her that much, or her starting to be critical.

I guess I should let you all know he is 53 and I’m 32- not an issue for me. I'm a people pleaser, him exudes confidence, sometimes arrogance in conversations. I thought it was just him being insensitive? Maybe it still is?

Our only issue in the relationship – 3 times was enough- was his issue to avoid conflict and just get nasty. This was the pattern:

Conflict (or perceived conflict), then he would go silent for a but, then when confonted he would be depressed that we were not on the same page?- and then when I called him out on exact behaviour he would get angry, nasty and leave the conversation.

The end of our relationship was him telling me “he had priorities that were real and not created and my concern over this ongoing pattern was me creating issues” His arrogance and refusal to admit or take responsibility and anger were shocking. I felt like he was delusional- the denial and anger, or personality switch was profound.

Some facts I guess to help- some make me think I’m VERY wrong with this, or maybe hope?

-The beginning of the relationship was amazing, he fell very fast and didn’t play games- he was into me and made it clear.
-He has been divorced twice, both times he was cheated on and he says he immediately left the relationship
-His career is a sales executive, says he has no issues with rejection with his career but is seems to interpret any conflict that is in his relationships –mostly emotional based -as major debilitating rejection. This seems to come with setting boundaries. It’s a joke until I insist, then blames on my issues, then gets avoidant, then depressed/angry, then leaves conversation. Will NOT revisit, wants to sweep under rug and ignore.

-Sales people, waitresses etc. that inadvertently tell him he can’t have something are targeted with confrontation until he gets his own way.

-Strange is, after his second wife left and moved across the ocean, he bought her out and is the most amazing father ever. Cooks and cleans for his adult children, spends quality time with them, talks about them constantly and really they are his world. This as far as I can tell is not a trait, unless he is using them to enable him to continue being a victim to his second wife? She left him and the kids, and the kids won’t talk to her. ALL of her family denies his existence, and subsequently the kids. Her story was one of abuse, but the kids lived in the house and know she lied, so won’t talk to her.

She seemed to be a stay at home Mom, with some hobbies and small jobs, apparently met someone on a holiday with the girls and asked for a divorce the next week and subsequently moved across the ocean. They were married for 20+ years.

The first wife was a year or 2, and he walked in on her in bed with someone else, has not really talked to her since.

Just last week, we had had amazing sex (crossed some great emotional boundaries) and he made comments about how someone could ever cheat on him- to which I supported him, but he's obviously very sensitive to this still since it might mean something might be wrong with him?

-Claims to be an emotional “cancer”, believes in horoscopes etc.

-Loves taking care of people, seems to demean to make you think you have a problem so he can be the Hero.

-Relationship between him and daughter seems to be close, with dramatic emotional behaviour on her part controlling the relationship.

-Very insecure about ex’s etc, does not want to hear any of it, and gets angry and confrontational if subject is brought up and attempts to put down the target.

-Arrogant/ Sulks when threatened. Sulking can go for days- seems like if he is experiencing anything emotionally weak like missing me or being wrong he sulks instead of voicing emotions.

-Can not apologize- has twice as a necessary evil with no acknowledgement or willingness to talk about it. When confronted he does not understand the issue and makes excuses.

-Strong desire to improve intimacy in bed and relationship, frequent sex with “making love” theme, was not a fan of toys or much else, wanted to be as close as possible with me, he would be all I needed etc..

-Had no tolerance for anything but honeymoon phase- didn’t feel one should ever have any issues or discussions in a relationship.

-Frequently minimized my opinions as he was more mature, and even if I defended my view, I was not capable of having a “proper” view due to my age.

-Constant bantering between us, mostly just having fun- we both enjoyed the dialogue and the challenge.


So I guess my question is this- could the emotional scarring of 2 marriages ending in divorce do this? I’m looking for any reason not to have it be narcissism.

He’s a crazy maker, all the ex’s and women are “mental”- that was a red flag. He refuses to validate feelings with women- claims he is “severely rejected and needs to grieve”.

At first I thought it was passive aggressive, and then it got to be much more than that.

Or am I being narcissistic and looking for validation?

Whenever he distances himself after a confrontation, my inbox is full of passive aggressive “I love you” themed pictures, “needing me”, “caring about each other and accepting” messages. But he won’t TALK about it.

His Facebook has “accepting who I am is love” stuff- but if I approach it he gets mad and denies everything….

Please help!

Hi Readers- can you please reply?

There are some red flags. Doesn't listen, doesn't communicate. Sounds domineering. Not sure there is enough here to know for sure. Go with your gut. Wish I had.

Thank you!!! I appreciate your thoughts.

Also forgot to mention treated me like a child and often "acted" like a Dad.

I really appreciate your feedback- after my research my heart goes out to you- will see if I can follow up on your journey.

My experience with Ns saying they were cheated on or otherwise victimized usually means they were the cheater, victimizer. They always turn it around. The whole thing sounds bad. When someone falls fast and wants to rush into things, it's almost always bad news...

Good move to break up. Sounds like it was tedious...

Thank you. The only way to know for sure I guess would've to go back into it- but at what cost. I just wish it wasn't like this, but I clearly spelled out the issues and gave him so many chances to at least acknowledge. He never would. He just got more and more depressed even though I phrased everything with supportive phrases.

Hi Jedichic,
As I read your retell, I was formulating the notion that he had passive aggressive tendencies. Something to consider though was that he was from another generation and active confrontation might be at odds with those sensitivities. He seemed to want to be the white knight. A younger woman might present him with that notion of being able to lord it over someone or save them. As you say he had that hero element to his personality. You confronting him would shatter the image he was creating of himself. He was faulted.... I don't think he knew how to handle that. The older generation didn't have the skills to do couples work. Your comments were criticism, so he fell off his horse...
You became just another woman who didn't think he was enough. You would get relegated to the group of exes as he relived the pain of feeling inadequate.
This is just my take here and I might be way off. But he may have also been in saving mode with his two exes. They may have had issues that he was drawn to save. I sense this from his bond with his children and the needy issues of his daughter. So that becomes the Daddy bond he does and that then defines him.
Your concerns or observations regardless of how well you worded them would have been heard as criticisms. He was not a man who could deal with that.
That age gap is a big gulf to cross. You grow out of being daddied. Marg

Marg,

Very insightful and a lot of what you say rings true- I've thought about the age gap, which led to passive aggressiveness, which led me here.

My personality is not one he can fit into a predetermined judgmental box, which he has a hard time understanding. That being 32 my main goal in life is NOT to get married and have kids, that I was comfortable being single before I met him, and with the idea that I may not marry.

He wanted me to "need" him, which in some aspects is a nice idea as I've fought so hard to be independent all these years- he wanted me to know I was not alone anymore.

All these are nice ideas- ones you would expect from a different generation- and I'd like to think his heart was in the right place, and if it was it seems not to fit the other traits.

Also very true that the many from that generation didn't do their "work" before settling down, they just accepted each other as they were.

Perhaps our (my) expectations are too high? I know I can't deal with the things that he says when he has suffered an injury, and I know I've bent over backwards trying to talk to him about ways we could avoid this in the future- but that only causes the tantrum to intensify.

Thanks for your insight. I know there are many other things this could be, and no one is a professional. It would be so easy to just label him and run.

On the other side, if I am right and we did get back together, or I'm playing with fire by keeping things "friendly", I could be in for serious heart ache (I have played a co-dependant in the past, but I'm a different person now- but know I could be prone).

I do think when it came to his partner's feelings, he would have been pretty emotionally unavailable. Probably masked it or ignored it until she just gave in. Thus the cheating?

But he LOVES to be the "rejected" victim, his reaction is either a serious attempt at manipulating me because it has worked in the past, or he believes this?

Thanks again everyone for the insight. Any other thoughts? Reasons it might NOT be NPD?

One good reason it might not be NPD: you left him. Usually narcissists cause us to form emotional bonds of love so intense that we can't leave them. Usually it's them that leave us. If you were able to leave, there's a good chance you weren't under a narcissist's spell. They don't usually crack that quickly in my experience, they usually drag it out for more than a couple of months.

I agree with the abovestated points about cheating too. There's a good chance that it was he, and not the ex-wives, who cheated.

In any case, you need to stop intellectualising. He sounds like bad news whether he's a Narc or not. Be glad that you're rid of him and don't take him back. It's as simple as that.

If he's 53 he came of age in the feminist era and isn't too different from 30 somethings, in my opinion. A controlling personality is a controlling personality regardless of age and from what you have described, he exhibits emotionally abusive tendencies. I'm probably not compassionate enough to interpret any abuse as good intentions that have been frustrated.

If he were NPD, you'd know it. They lie, gaslight, keeping taking the rug out from under you and continuously undermine, even in covert and subliminal ways. They tend to slander everyone in sight too, in an effort to pull you over to their side and boost their image in their own eyes. As a matter of fact, once you know what to look for, the mental illness, erratic aspect becomes quite noticeable. There's nothing normal about them.