For Nons: How to Keep a Narc Relationship Alive Forever..

In summary, through my own experiences with fellow narcs and much inward realization on the interest and discard process.. I personally have come to a consensus that I think most narcs will agree with when it comes to relationships with nons.

Never ask us, insinuate or make any reference that you have any interest in becoming involved with us past Stage #1 of the relationship. (as referenced below)

I copied the below from an article on the stages of a relationship. Of course, there are most likely thousands of variations and interpretations of the typical relationship phases; yet I think everyone can agree that most all relationships have a certain cycle, similar to the cycles of the grieving process, etc..

As long as a non keeps the relationship at stage #1, you have us. That is all we want from you. If you cannot accept that we may have no interest in evolving the relationship further, then walk away. If you push us into moving past stage #1, we will simply discard you or lie to you and keep you around until we find someone else that will be satisfied with us at stage #1.

A narc may potentially delve into other aspects of the relationship cycle, in perhaps a non-uniform order; as the narc sees fit. The narc makes the decision if, when and how the relationship cycle unfolds. Your job is to ensure everything is kept at stage #1. If you do not like it, then leave. It won't work out.

A narc + narc relationship I think can progress many of these stages.. albeit this is for nons trying to make a narc relationship work. If you are a non and desire a narc.. it's as simple as 1..

Comments and opinions from other narcs are of course welcome.

The 9 relationship stages that all couples experience

Stage #1 The infatuation stage. This is the first stage in every relationship. It almost always starts with an intense attraction and an uncontrollable urge to be with each other. Both of you may be intensely sexually attracted to each other, or both of you may just love the cuddles and each other’s company. In this stage, both of you overlook any flaws of each other and only focus on the good sides.

Stage #2 The understanding stage. In this stage, both of you start getting to know each other better. You have long conversations with your partner that stretches late into the night, and everything about your partner interests and fascinates you. You talk about each other’s families, exes, likes and dislikes and other innocent secrets, and life seems so beautiful and romantic.

Stage #3 The stage of disturbances. This stage usually forces its way into a happy romance after a few months of blissful courting. Do you remember the first fight or angry disagreement you and your partner had? For the first time ever in the relationship, both of you confront each other over a conflict, even though it’s sorted out quickly.

Stage #4 The opinion maker. In this stage, both of you create opinions about each other. As the months pass by, both of you know what to expect from each other, and you make an assumption about your partner’s commitment towards the relationship.

When these opinions and expectations about your partner differ now and then in real life, it can either leave you ecstatic or depressed.

You don’t expect your man to buy you flowers, but he does. You feel ecstatic. At the same time, you expect him to pick you up from the airport on time. But he arrives an hour later because he forgot all about picking you up. It depresses you.

Stage #5 The moulding stage. You have your own expectations from an ideal partner. And in this stage, both of you try hard to mould each other to fit your own wants in a perfect partner. This stage is a lot about give and take, and both partners constantly try to subtly convince each other to change their behavior towards the relationship. This is a power struggle, and one that can end the relationship if both partners are domineering.

Stage #6 The happy stage. If the relationship survives past the moulding stage, both of you may have changed equally for each other and understood each other’s expectations. In this stage, the relationship cruises along perfectly and both of you may be blissfully happy with each other.

Almost always, this is the stage when both of you feel like a perfect match. You may even decide to get engaged or get married. This happy stage is also the stage of attachment when both of you truly feel connected to each other and love each other intensely.

Stage #7 The stage of doubts. It’s been several years since both of you have been in a relationship with each other. And somewhere along the way, doubts start to creep in. The intensity of the doubts depend on how happy both of you are in the relationship.

You start to think of your past relationships, your exes, and other prospective partners. You tie your happiness in life with your relationship. If you’re unhappy, you blame it on the relationship.

In this stage, you start comparing your relationship with other couples and other relationships. Would your relationship survive this stage? It definitely could, as long as your relationship isn’t monotonous and repetitive.

Stage #8 The sexual exploration or bust stage. This is the stage when your sex life starts to play a pivotal role. Both your sex drives may change or one of you may get disinterested in sex.

In this stage, you either give up on passionate sex or constantly look for ways to make sex more exciting. If sexual interests start differing here, one of you may end up having an affair. But on the other hand, if you find creative ways to make sex more exciting, your relationship could get better and bring both of you a lot closer.

Stage #9 The stage of complete trust. This is the happy stage when both of you love each other and trust each other completely. But at the same time, the unbreakable trust in each other could also turn into taking each other for granted.

In this stage, both of you know the direction of the relationship and both of you are completely happy with each other and find it easy to predict each other’s behavior and decisions. But with stability in love comes the urge to take each other for granted.

Hi Svenska,
Glad to see you are back with so many pearls of wisdom. Your thinking is strangely compelling. Of course one has to be totally codependent to think so.
Tell us what have you been about and how long have you been able to ride the high of stage one? After all you are keen on narcs yourself.The notion of a relationship alive forever creates parallels in my mind with an over ripe cheese missing its use by.
Old time favourite. Marg

margharris wrote:Hi Svenska,
Glad to see you are back with so many pearls of wisdom. Your thinking is strangely compelling. Of course one has to be totally codependent to think so.
Tell us what have you been about and how long have you been able to ride the high of stage one? After all you are keen on narcs yourself.The notion of a relationship alive forever creates parallels in my mind with an over ripe cheese missing its use by.
Old time favourite. Marg

I am still involved with my narc.. it's been about a year and a half and we are still at stage #1. Stage #2 would mean immediate disinterest on both sides.

In my entire life, I have never been able to proceed past Stage #1 with a non. Perhaps it is different with other narcs; which is why I left the post open to comments and feedback from other narcs.

svenska500 wrote:I am still involved with my narc.. it's been about a year and a half and we are still at stage #1. Stage #2 would mean immediate disinterest on both sides.

What do you mean by "involved"? Judging from what I remember of your old posts, I suppose it's an on-and-off relationship with no exclusivity agreement of any kind (please correct me if I'm wrong). Can you picture a stable, exclusive couple-like relationship remaining permanently at "stage 1"? Or would it be an inherent contradiction?

Still assuming that your relationship with "your narc" is essentially on-and-off, do the two of you live in a permanent "casual" agreement that just happens to have lasted this long, or do you part ways / seek other casual partners / etc. when "stage 2" looms closer?

anagram wrote:

svenska500 wrote:I am still involved with my narc.. it's been about a year and a half and we are still at stage #1. Stage #2 would mean immediate disinterest on both sides.

What do you mean by "involved"? Judging from what I remember of your old posts, I suppose it's an on-and-off relationship with no exclusivity agreement of any kind (please correct me if I'm wrong). Can you picture a stable, exclusive couple-like relationship remaining permanently at "stage 1"? Or would it be an inherent contradiction?

Still assuming that your relationship with "your narc" is essentially on-and-off, do the two of you live in a permanent "casual" agreement that just happens to have lasted this long, or do you part ways / seek other casual partners / etc. when "stage 2" looms closer?

The only reason we still have interest in each other is that we are at stage 1. Neither of us wants to confront or deal with stage 2. We are fine with that. We haven't really discussed details.. We keep things very superficial and external based.

In terms of a narc/non relationship.. I don't think a narc is really capable of escalating a relationship past the 'honeymoon stage' with a non in an honest and open manner. And if it does escalate to the other stages.. it's all a facade/lie. It isn't real. The non may believe it to be.. albeit the narc knows it is all deception past stage one.

We are a different species and a non simply wouldn't understand and vice versa. As long as the relationship is kept superficial, then it isn't a problem. It's when the non wants to know all about the narc.. this is when it becomes a problem.

svenska500 wrote:As long as the relationship is kept superficial, then it isn't a problem.

Well, that's the thing. If "stage 1" as you posted it is to be taken literally, then it's simply not possible. Not in a stable way, at least. Typical infatuation is biologically unsustainable.

Infatuation impairs some cognitive faculties from the start, and it only gets worse with time. If experienced for too long, it can (and does) develop into all sorts of mental issues (or else we would never have heard of Shakespeare and his stories). Depression and paranoia are probably the most common of these issues.

svenska500 wrote:Never ask us, insinuate or make any reference that you have any interest in becoming involved with us past Stage #1 of the relationship.

Could this be true for all people with PDs (and not just narcs)?
I would have thought that most people with PDs would be threatened by later relationship stages, and that their defence mechanisms would kick-in. I don't think I have many Cluster B traits, but I've only liked relationships when they were at that first infatuation/lust stage. Although the understanding stage sounds appealing in theory, the reality is that I would rather be single than deal with it. I can't think of a PD stereotype that would cope well with the understanding stage.

-- Tue Jan 08, 2013 12:50 am --

anagram wrote:

svenska500 wrote:As long as the relationship is kept superficial, then it isn't a problem.

Well, that's the thing. If "stage 1" as you posted it is to be taken literally, then it's simply not possible. Not in a stable way, at least. Typical infatuation is biologically unsustainable.

I wonder if it makes any difference if the infatuation is based upon an ego-supporting fantasy rather than something real?

I am assuming you are a non. I've kept many relationships in stage #1. Of course, I have multiple relationships at the time with different people. One of my narc relationships with a fellow narc is at year twelve on stage #1. We are always reinventing ourselves, so it is something new all the time. It may not make sense to you.. but it works for me and always has. Most of my quasi-relationships, as screwed up as they are have stayed in stage #1 from 6 months to 2 years without issue.

javert wrote:

svenska500 wrote:Never ask us, insinuate or make any reference that you have any interest in becoming involved with us past Stage #1 of the relationship.

Could this be true for all people with PDs (and not just narcs)?
I would have thought that most people with PDs would be threatened by later relationship stages, and that their defence mechanisms would kick-in. I don't think I have many Cluster B traits, but I've only liked relationships when they were at that first infatuation/lust stage. Although the understanding stage sounds appealing in theory, the reality is that I would rather be single than deal with it. I can't think of a PD stereotype that would cope well with the understanding stage.

-- Tue Jan 08, 2013 12:50 am --

anagram wrote:

svenska500 wrote:As long as the relationship is kept superficial, then it isn't a problem.

Well, that's the thing. If "stage 1" as you posted it is to be taken literally, then it's simply not possible. Not in a stable way, at least. Typical infatuation is biologically unsustainable.

I wonder if it makes any difference if the infatuation is based upon an ego-supporting fantasy rather than something real?

svenska500 wrote:I am assuming you are a non.

I'm not sure, but I have a lot of Cluster A traits and am a bit dysfunctional, so I don't consider myself to be a non as in a 'normie'.

I don't know if you responded to my question? Do you think that to maintain a relationship with a person with any PD (e.g. HPD, BPD, SPD, AvPD etc.), the most reliable tactic would be to not try to advance the relationship beyond a superficial level? Or do you think relationships with narcs are unique in this regard?

javert wrote:narcs are unique

Don't tempt him with words

Jokes aside, I agree with you that difficulty/inability to healthily proceed through those stages listed in the OP is probably something common to all PD's. Maybe what's not common to all PD's (but not unique to NPD either) is unwillingness to try, and/or lack of a yearning for anything beyond the surface.