Caring for oneself

The other day I was pondering...as I often do lately...about how I got to where I am these days.
My life is nothing like I would've imagined - or even how I had it.
Sure, there are many things that have been factors.
Coming from a MSBP mother complicates things. Dealing with a family that has been greatly swayed by her ill influence (I've been known to say that my mother could lead her own cult, or maybe already does) certainly is another complication.
Actually, MSBP is more than a complication - it is detrimental to life.

But I was pondering...trying to figure out why I've made some choices I've made that have been hurtful towards myself and my life.
It occured to me that I DON'T KNOW HOW TO CARE FOR MYSELF.

I don't mean "take care of myself", as in brushing my teeth/hair, preparing a meal, putting myself to bed, etc. (although there have been times when I've not actually taken care of myself in the greatest of ways, or when I've found challenge with certain ways of taking care of myself, which I believe falls under what I'm talking about when I say "care for myself").

I mean CARE - actually CARE FOR myself. Care about. Handle with CARE.
Doing what is in the best interest of what I need to keep myself safe and protected and living the life I want to live.

It occurred to me that I have been deprived of knowing how to care for myself.

Why, for instance, would I have given up a home that was perfect for me? Almost three full years ago I packed up and left a home that I'd cherished for four and a half years. I had no place lined up. I've wound up in one bad situation after another since then - straight to homelessness. Left open for the sick antics of my family/mother. I left my good, safe, pleasurable home.
As I said, there were other factors. For one, my father was dying (I'm quite sure - in fact I remember clearly - that his terminal illness and impending death left me feeling afraid of being left victim to what remained of the "family"). I'd also found out that I'd been being charged for utilities that were not of my usage in the two-family house in which I lived. However, if I'd CARED FOR myself, I would have dealt with those issues in a better way and would have realized that staying in my home would have been what was best. But, instead, I ran straight into what was not best for me. I didn't think, I just ran. Leaving my home didn't change my father dying. And in all honesty, I'd happily be charged the utilities for the entire house today if I could just be back in my home.

I've wondered for years - with deep, gut-twisting regret - why I left my home. It is a regret that I live with every hour of every day. It has eaten away at me for years and living in regret is not doing me any good. It is something from which I desperately need to heal.
What I also need to heal is that I haven't the skills to know how to care for myself.

This came to me the other day as I drove along, thinking and regretting ... and also thinking about the fact that I'd just realized that someone had filed "telecommunications harassment" against me and that there was a warrant for me. I was terrified. Because such a filing is only made public as "the state of...vs. [person]", I wasn't sure who'd filed it. I was fairly certain it was a family member. But as I drove along, in fear, wondering ... I had to think about who it was that I'd recently lashed out at via telephone - was it my former employer? was it my former landlord (not the one of three years ago but a more recent and really bad one)? was it my brother? was it my mother?...
And as I thought about this, I thought 'WHY? WHY did I do this to myself? WHY would I speak my mind or my hurt feelings to people who I KNOW don't care about me or my feelings at all? WHY would I give them that ammo against me?!?'
That's when I realized that such an action was me not caring for myself. It was me putting myself in harm's way. These are people who have hurt me, and instead of staying away from any and all of them at all costs, I'd reacted and given them a way to hurt me again. Not a single one of them does, has, or ever will care that they hurt me. What I need to care about is that they hurt me - and I need to care about MYSELF, care FOR myself, when it comes to my own hurt feelings or disillusionment, not about trying to make them know it.

As a writer, I tend to use analogies sometimes. The analogy I had for this when discussing it with my friend was that it was like someone was pointing a gun at me and I handed them the bullets.
The right thing to do if I were to care for myself in such a situation would be to never turn over the bullets and find a way to talk the gun away and dispose of the whole volatile situation and move forward in a safe way.

In regard to the "telecommunications harassment" filing...I lived in fear for a whole night, feeling like a rotten fugitive. The next day I asked my friend to drive me to the police station so that I could face it.
Ironically, by doing that, I felt like I was taking a step in a direction of caring for myself. I wasn't going to run. I wasn't going to live in fear. I wasn't going to live like a guilty person.
I spent a few hours being processed and cited, and I did it calmly.
As I'd suspected, it was a family member - my brother - who'd filed the charges.
I've got an attorney.

Most important is that I need to learn to CARE FOR MYSELF.

Hey wordgirl,

Wow... what a piece of work your brother is. What is telecommunications harassment, anyway? Repeated phone calls or having someone give you a piece of your mind?

Every single time I read stories like yours in this forum it just cements in my mind how damaging MSBP is. It extends far beyond childhood abuse. When the poisoning and abuse stops it reaches into areas of life that adults need to develop. Deny the abuser - abusers once the whole family gets involved - contact and they'll find a way to make you regret it. The one supportive person in my life is currently getting harassed at the request of my abuser. I find it appalling and immature because adults should know better than to get involved. But that's the lure of a perpetrator of MSBP... they are so good at what they do that they'll convince others to pick up where they left off. It's sick.

I have trouble caring for myself as well. It's complicated by several factors but I think the message we carry on after the years of abuse is that it's what we deserve. It's familiar and that familiarity eases anxiety. I don't think it's a coincidence that people who self injure have a high incidence of past abuse. It's very hard to rise above those programmed messages.

Thank you Ladyswan.

Yes, those of us who have lived our lives being abused know not how to not abuse ourselves.

It is a horrible way to live.

And those afflicted with MSBP are mind twisters. I think, too, how bizarre it is to see an adult be so persuaded by the ill will and do the bidding of a person with MSBP.
My brother IS a piece of work. Sadly, he and his wife had a child three years ago. I feel sorry for what that child may grow up with when I see how influenced by our sick mother my brother has been. Oh well, that's not my problem. What my brother does to me, however, is. Sick.

I've had a rough day. A rough life, then a rough few years, a rough few months, now it's boiling down to ROUGH more than I've known in these past few days.

I had that realization of not caring for myself. But that wasn't a cure-all. And I'm realizing that although sometimes realization & awareness can be a step towards healing, it can also bring on a lot of pain.
As a matter of fact, I'm getting the idea that I've chosen so wrong about people and situations that it all feels topsy-turvy to me right now. I don't know who to trust at all. I'm scared out of my witts as I'm watching my life crumble and fall apart all around me.

What is upsetting me the most is not having my dog with me right now. He is my grounding force. He brought me back to life when he and I rescued one another. He is my commitment, my love.

I put him in boarding at his vet the other day when I had to escape the previous (dysfunctional & hazardous) place I'd been staying and when I'd realized I had a warrant for my arrest while I'd be staying in my car. I WASN'T going to allow my dog to be caught up in that drama - I needed, first and foremost, for my beloved dog to be SAFE.
Now that I've put him in boarding, even someone I thought was a long-term friend is telling me to put myself into the system because - as she says, "you don't have your dog now". WHAAAAAAAAT?

I don't DO WELL without my dog with me. He doesn't do well when he and I are not together. That is why the only place I'll have him be if he and I have to be apart is at his doctor's boarding facility.

It seems that while I saw the need to temporarily put him in boarding for his safety while I tried to get some things in order, it has been perceived by the one person I thought I could trust in my life as me giving him up and that she can urge me into the system because of her perception - and she is the one putting me up, so to speak, as she is allowing me to sleep in the basement of her business. I have not showered in over a week (can't get ten minutes in a shower of an actual home). I've had no access to food today. I FEEL LIKE A FUGITIVE! And I turned myself IN, so it's not due to the warrant because the warrant is OVER. I almost DON'T feel like my "friend" is helping me. I feel like my life is falling apart. I WILL NOT BE WITHOUT MY DOG!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

I feel like no one I've trusted can be trusted. Something tells me I'm right about that.

Even after I'd confided in my "friend" about my realization about the self care, she used it against me in conversation when I stated over and over again that I will not be without my dog. She said, "you always do the opposite of what you need to do" - basically reciting what I'd said to her in confidence...and in this case she's wrong. What I need to do is what is opposite from what anyone around me tells me to do.

I need to get my dog and I need to leave town.

And I don't care if that makes me a real fugitive to my brother's crazy charges. (btw, "telecommunications harassment" means that he complained that I called or texted him after he'd told me not to do so - and he DIDN'T tell me not to do so, so he's already lied).

I'm not gonna stick around and live like a fugitive while trying to do the "right thing".