I am a victim of a Muncher

Hi Constantinova,

First of all, you have the A#1 person in jasmin to help and encourage you. She is a very remarkable young lady.

constantinova wrote:But I do need more help, I guess, since I happen to think dissociation is a good thing, but my psychiatrist says is not and doesn't want me to "slip away from reality" whatever that means. And lately I don't think there's any point in living anymore, which is different from saying I want to kill myself. I just don't understand the point of my existence any longer.

You NEED to be here to help people like me and to tell your story and publish your memoirs so other victims of MSBP can gain validation and encouragement, since it is so hard to come by. Your writing talents as well as your courage are a true testimate to the human spirit and human goodness, so don't deprive us of that.

Thank you and keep your chin up.
Talk to you soon!

I've already made promises to three people, at least, one of whom is my husband, that I will stay in the forum longer before "giving up", and I always keep my promises.

Besides, after I finish this novel and start revising the memoir, I might really need your support (None of the smiley faces really seem to fit how I'm feeling right now.)

Last night I thought of one way to cope on my own: dance in the dark to Lady Gaga's "Fame Monster". We weren't allowed to dance when we were young. Maybe that's not the way to put it.

The first time I danced I was just under four years old and had just had those horrible braces removed from my feet and legs. I'd never even been able to walk before, let alone dance. So there I was, in the empty dining room, dancing away, when my drunken father (6'5", 250 pounds) grabbed me and started doing things that didn't feel "good". I managed to get away and run into the kitchen and "hide" under the kitchen table. He pulled me out, despite the fact that I was desperately holding onto the kitchen table leg (dislocated my shoulder, breaking my collarbone, and dislocating my hip in the process). Then he raped me.

When my mother came into my bedroom to see what I was crying about (I don't know where she'd been the entire time I was screaming for help and yelling at him to let me go), I told her that he did something bad to me. There was, of course, blood everywhere. She lifted me by the hair, slammed me into the wall, called me names which I did not yet know the meaning of, then shoved me into the closet, saying it was all my fault, that I deserved it for "being bad", and then locked the closet door, telling me that I had to stay there until I stopped crying and figured out what I had done wrong.

I don't know how long I was in there, but I know I never did figure out what I did wrong: except dance.

Every time after that, whenever I tried to dance, I attempted to do it in private. Somehow, my father, and later my stepfather, always managed to "catch" me (Silly me: they just heard the music, but I never figured it out), and my dancing always let to their raping me. Whenever they raped me, my Muncher mother's abuse of me increased exponentially.

So, I stopped dancing.

Last night, I decided to take dancing back. I was feeling very anxious. I went into my office, took my iPod, set it to Lady Gaga's "Fame Monster" put on the headphones and danced in the dark all around my office. Once, when "Telephone" (one of my favorites) ended, I put it on repeat, and I saw my husband standing in the dark in the doorway watching me. I closed my eyes and kept dancing. I danced and danced and danced. When I was done, I didn't feel anxious any more.

I felt tired, but in a good way. I went back into the bedroom, where my husband was reading. He said, "Feel better?" and I said yes. He said, "Was that Gaga?" and after I said yes, he said, "Gaga is good for you."

I've just taken dancing back from my incestuous-rapist father and stepfather and made it part of my healing.
I've just taken dancing back from my Muncher mother.
Dancing is good for me.
So is Gaga.
So is a loving husband who watches you dance and understands.

So is a support group who listens.
Thank you for listening.

Constantinova

Constantinova, it's wonderful that you were able to dance and not let it trigger you! You really went through horrible stuff but you have taken your life back now. I'm glad this place is helping

Jasmin,
Love the
One of Gaga's songs is "Teeth" and the refrain is "Show me your teeth, teeth, teeth"
(After she's said, "show me your thing" of course.)
Now whenever I see I'm going to think of Gaga's song, and it's going to remind me of dancing in the dark to "Teeth" and make me laugh.
Thanks for the laugh, by the way.
It's good to begin to laugh again.
Constantinova

Hahahaha! It's healthy to laugh.

How to diagnose a Muncher:

http://munchausenssyndromebyproxywithad ... asite.com/

-- Tue Dec 27, 2011 2:59 pm --

Constantinova,
My mother abused me in many ways, including as a MBP perpetrator, and my father abused me in other ways. I know what it's like to experience types of abuse so rare that it's hard to find other survivors. I've been looking for someone like you for a long time, in the hope of feeling less alone. My heart goes out to you and I'm so very, very sorry you went through so many painful experiences. I'm inspired by your survival and it helps me feel less alone. I'm married and have two young children, who are in the age range of the time when I was most severely abused, so it's been wonderful and also strange to see how different are their lives compared with mine at those ages. Thank God we can learn and grow and don't have to repeat our parents' mistakes if we are conscious enough. I earned my Ph.D. in psychology over a decade ago and have done some clinical work with abuse survivors, so I understand a lot about trauma, both personally and professionally, as well as the benefits and detriments of dissociation, so that's definitely a discussion we can have. It's definitely been an issue in my life as well. I've learned some ways to use dissociation adaptively and have tricks to minimize times when my subconscious takes over to use it when it's not truly as adaptive. I am finally seriously working on the book of what happened to me personally, so we have that in common too. I have injuries and type too much working on my book and am having trouble getting myself to use Dragon Dictate, but if you'd like to talk by phone maybe we can do that sometime. I'd certainly be happy to be whatever support I can be and encourage you in your journey, and it encourages me to know someone like me who's also finding a way to create a life after surviving MBP and other types of abuse. You have a friend out here you didn't even know you had

Constantine,
I was re-reading your post, and guess what was on the radio just now when I stopped reading and climbed back into my car? Lee Ann Womack's "I Hope You Dance"
Seriously. Amazing! It just ended. I take that as the universe sending encouragement

Dear Constantinova

I found your post when searching for information about munchausen by proxy syndrom.I felt very sad when reading what happened to you.When coming to the moment in your narration at the childrens hospital waiting room , when you started reading your medical journals, I felt overwhelmed by sadness..
I hope that to this day you have found a helpful therapist to support your healing from this dreadful experience , when being a defenseless child.
I am glad that you have a loving husband who supports you, and for you being so creative ,a writer despite having haft such an experience while so young.
Eventually along with therapy ,you could use your creativity to explore and express your feelings by writing a book about your experience ,which might also be helpful for more silent victims of munchausen by proxy mothers.
I am also a victim of a munchausen by proxy mother . When I was nine years old ,my mother started to take me to different doctors because she claimed that something was wrong with my neck. After series of x-rays , visits to orthoped, opthalmologist,surgeon and physical therapy I was operated at the childrens hospital for torticollis. The upper part of my body was put in gips for about one and a half month ,during which I was almost immobilized and had to stay indoors during an entire summer.
What is terrible is that I indeed never suffered from torticollis.On the contrary I was very good in gymnastic and sport .I knew that nothing was wrong with my neck,inside me I knew that that my body was healthy. Eventually this inner knowing saved my mental health. But I had not a chance to escape the operation.My mother had convinced anyone,my father and the docs that something was wrong with my neck.
I realized what had happened when I was in therapy in my thirties.I then confronted my mother with this.She told me that the day of my operation one of the docs told her to 'take the girl home, there is nothing wrong with her neck,the operation is unnessessary."But my mother did not take me home ,and put the responsibility on the surgeon ,for the diagnosis and operation which followed .
Recently as a result of a very traumatic encounter ,this experience came up to surface again. It is first now I realize how destructive and hostile my biological mother has always been towards me and how much dread I have been feeling for her without being aware of it. How much this experience has affected my relationships in adult life, planting the seeds of a deep undefined fear ,inside me. I am not yet completely aware of it,it is difficult to take it in and dare to see how this experience to some extend disabled me emotionally and deprived me from living a happier life.
I want to thank you so much for sharing ,because by reading your story I also feel less alone.

my best

Wow, that sounds awful