I just did something really stupid.

I read an old medical report on psychiatric MBP, and found the e-mail adress of the psychiatrist who wrote it. I have just written a way too long e-mail to him where I tell him everything about my dad and what I went through, and ask him if he thinks my dad might me a psychiatric muncher.

Before i clicked send, I paused and thought that writing this was enough for me to feel better, and that I shouldn't send it. I thought that I don't want to send all this info about myself into the ether and have it read by a stranger. Did I still send it? Yep.

I have been crying my eyes out for the past 30 minutes. I regret this so deeply that I don't know what to do. Writing my story on this forum felt safe, and people here understood and supported me. But this psychiatrist is going to know my name. If anyone other than him sees the e-mail, people will know all this stuff about me. I have never been a self-harmer, but now I genuinely feel the urge to cut myself open, to do anything to take away the pain of this enormous and non-eraseable mistake.

I'm worried that he's going to reply that he can't comment on my situation, in which case it would feel awful to know that I have told Everything to someone who doesn't even care.

I'm worried that he won't reply at all.

I'm worried that he will reply that he thinks my dad might have MBP, because then I'll just feel like I made everything up because nobody who has met my dad has ever agreed with me that there's something wrong with him. I will feel like I have duped this poor psychiatrist into some sick fantasy world I'm living in where I'm paranoid and blaming my delusions on my innocent father.

Right now I'm hoping that the psychiatrist is retired and that the e-mail will bounce back with the message that there's no reciever by that adress.

I'm seeing my therapist on wednesday. I can't tell her about this. This is too big a mistake. I'm such an idiot.

Why the ###$ would I do this to myself? I already have massive integrity-issues. Way to go, you moron.

This stuff is so close to the heart and so ABNORMAL that it sometimes comes out like that. A lot of us can relate to it. I think you should relax, and take a deep breath.

Look at it this way. It was part of working through something.That is all.

Of all the people to send it to, you have picked the one who may understand. Whether professionally he can even say anything is a totally different matter.

Take it easy.

Terry

I doesn't feel quite as nightmarish today, but I still regret i. And I still don't think I'll tell my therapist.

Well, I decided to tell my therapist about the e-mail anyway. She disagreed with me, and said that it was beneficial for my integrity that I contacted a professional, even if he can't tell me anything, becasue it's a sign that I'm starting to take myself seriously.