Where to start!!

Hi all.
I registered on here a few years ago but I haven't actually been on the forum since. I've been keeping busy. I really don't know where to start. I've been doing really well. Diagnosed with depression and PTSD around 8 or 9 years ago. Made a mess of a lot of things up until very recently. In the last couple of years things seemed to somewhat fall in to place, to the point where I could actually feel happy sometimes. That was a huge change. For the last 9 years I avoided relationships, in particular romantic relationships but friendships too. God there's so many things/reasons etc etc I feel I'm almost at nothing trying to explain. Basically, I entered a romantic relationship a little over 3 months ago. He's great. I'm not so much so. An 'X' told me years ago that after about 3 months into our relationship something seemed to go 'wrong' on my side. I seemed to get in too deep or dependant or something. Something very similiar has happened now. When I'm with him, it's fine. When I'm not, it's horrible. Sounds like emotional dependancy right? But there's also a lot of other stuff it would take years to write up. Basically, from reading and reading, I think I've got borderline personality disorder. Health system here is so bad, been waiting for an appointment to see a psychologist for 3 years now.... I'm really hoping this forum can help me in the meantime. Scatty post I know, I think I'll probably be on here a lot though so will get there in time. Thanks for listening.

Report this postReply with quoteRe: Could a bad break-up cause PTSD?
by msemotional » Mon Jan 23, 2012 7:24 pm
Hello, I posted my post on another on a PTSD forum, trying to see how I make my own forum. I was reading yours, and yours seem kind of similiar too mine. So, I just copied and pasted what I put on his forum last night.
Best of luck to you during your difficulty, I am getting ready for a counseling appointment myself. I am so glad I found this website. It lets you know that you are not alone with the way you feel.

Hello. I read your post. I also experienced a bad breakup in June. I met a guy at my chruch and we only dated for 3 months as well. When we first started dating each other, he told me he knew I was the one for him. He told me when he met me that he cried over his Bible and told God he was so happy he found me. He said he had previously been in a 10 year relationship and he had been very depressed about his breakup with her. He told me a relative had said that once he stop looking someone would come along. He said when he saw me at chruch that it was like a light around me and he had to get to know me. So, we started dating, he was everything I had been praying for as well. He was 18 years older than me and owned his own business. He seemed very sweet and sincere. I had also been very curious about dating outside my race, and so he happened to be white as well. I was so thrilled with him. I told him I had not been this happy and had this much fun since high school. He gave me a key to his house. He introduced me to his friends and family. He even bought me a ring. He said the ring showed him that I was commited to him. He also wanted to marry me. I did not take the ring though because I thought it was too soon, but I truly loved him and was willing to do anything to make it work. We had our ups and downs during the 3 months, but I don't give up on things quickly or throw the towel in so soon. I told him the same night he told me he loved me that I loved him too. He told me anything I wanted he would do for me, because I had made him see the trees and the grass again. I was so happy. I thought since he was so much older than I, that he meant everything he said. He told me he was big into communicating, so he would talk to me if anything was wrong. Well, we had our share of arguments, because of both of our egos and pride ( at least that is what I think it was), but I was commited to him. So, I decided to stop trying to take the lead and I started being more submissive to him. I started trying to do the things he wanted me to do. Soon as I was getting comfortable with our relationship, I found out he was seeing someone else. I found this out not by him, but by stopping by his house on Father's Day to drop off his gift and I saw someone elses car in the driveway and I saw her clothes on the bed. It all went downhill from there. I still talk to him from time to time. I almost had a nervous breakdown about it in November. I am in therapy now. I go once a week. I also use to have dreams about him at least 3 times a week, which these dreams occured for at least a month. The last time I saw him was back in Nov, he told me he loved me, but he has that other girl, who is younger than me staying with him now. The dreams I use to have about him, was dreams of me telling him I loved him and I wanted to be with him, I think in alll of them I was trying to prove myself to him.
I used to be really happy go lucky and it seems as all of that is gone from me know. I go to therapy once a week trying to deal with this situation. He was like my dream guy, he was the guy I had prayed for God to send me. I have a heart of gold and I just wanted recipricated to me what I had did for others. I thought he was the one. I said to myself he is too old to lie about things dealing with relationships or to play games. I am 28 years old and he is 46 years old. I also have thoughts of wanting to be with him again. I also have thoughts of wanting harm to come to him. I am so sad and I feel all alone. I feel that no one could take his place. People are not replacable. I feel like he replaced me and I feel like he did not have any loyalty towards me. If anyone got me out of a bad situation as he said I did, don't you supposed to show some kinda loyalty to that person. It was out of the blue that this happen. None of my friends understand what I am going through. My family wouldn't understand either. Many times I wish that God would take me in my sleep, because I am too afraid of killing myself. I smoke cigarettes all the time now, because I now it is a chance I might get cancer and die. I am trying to get through school, I am working on my Master's, but the task is getting pretty difficult. It is hard for me to turn work in on time. All I want to do is sleep majority of the times. IT is not like this everyday, it seems to become worse before my cycle comes on. Sometimes, I can go weeks with being o.k., but I still think of him. I am going to try to make a doctor's appointment to maybe get on some meds so I can function with this experience. It feels like someone crushed my dreams. I feel worthless and not good enough. I feel like something is wrong with me. I feel like I am ugly and that I will never find anyone who will appreciate me for me. I feel like I want to be put in the hospital, so they can give me something to numb my pain. I pray to God for him to give me strength and for removal of this heartache and suffering I am experiencing. Please whoever read this pray for me. I feel like it was no point to me being born. I am scared to go to the hospital, because I do not know if that would mess up my chances of finding a good job once I get my Master's. I keep a journal of prayers, and I have filled up 2 journals with prayers about him coming back to me and saying how sorry he was for all the pain he put me through. I am very weak, I fee l like a fool. I try putting on nice clothes and doing my makeup to feel better, but it only works a little bit. I rather a doctor give me a pill that just numb me out. I am a really nice girl, with a huge heart. I always apologize if I hurt someone's feelings and I try to think before I speak. I would never dream of hurting anyone the way he has hurt me. I wish you the best and I will pray for you. I hope you are feeling a lot better now, and I hope you are on the road to recovery. I don't know if mine is PTSD or depression or a bit of both. To whomever respond to my post Please respond with kindness. msemotional

Hi Msemotional,
I just read your post and my heart goes out to you. I was in a very similiar situation around nine or ten years ago. For what it's worth my advice is to go to your doctor as soon as you can and ask about medication. To me it sounds like you have sunk to low to be able to just bounce back, just as had happened me. For now, don't worry about what may or may not go against you once your masters are complete, what you need to focus on right now is being able to make it that far no matter what it takes, and what it takes is building back up your confidence, self esteem and strength. You will get there, you just need a little help. I hope you keep posted how you are doing. I wish you all the best. Coffee.