I just can't cope.

18 years old. Mental illness runs in my family. I have been diagnosed with BPD NOS, depression, and GAD. I had trouble with an eating disorder, but that's not as much of a problem anymore. I'm home for break after my first quarter of college. I tell people I can't cope, but they don't believe me since I got a 4.0. But, that's because I'm a perfectionist. Any grade less than an A resulted in my crying hysterically, sometimes harming myself. Anyway, I thought being home would be better, but I can't stop crying about my boyfriend. He goes to one of the service academies so I have only seen him a few times since June. Things just don't feel right. He just doesn't love me like he used to, I know, but he acts like nothing is wrong. It's all in my head, I guess. I can't stop cheating on him, but I am so devoted in every OTHER way. I know, I'm a horrible, horrible person. I just want to die so badly. I just can't do this. I would never kill myself, because I can't imagine how my family would feel (though I have it in my head that the bf wouldn't care at all). I just pray that, somehow, someway, I'll just die.

Hi there!

I'm sorry you're going through such a rough time right now; a lot of people can't understand how one could be successful academically and still suffer inside. Unfortunately, public perception of mental illness continues to be pretty skewed.
However, i think you'll find lots of understanding people here who will be able to relate to what you're going through.
Please take care of yourself.
*hugs*

Evol

Oh, and here are some forum links I thought you might like:

depression/

generalized-anxiety/

borderline-personality/

Thank you so much. I just remember when I used to be so happy. I think it all started sophomore year of high school when I got into trouble for something with my parents, and I sort of had a bit of a freak out. That's when the eating issues developed. I thought about killing myself, and then I developed all this anxiety about death. I'm over that (the fear of death), but all of that stuff seems to have been the stress trigger for what I'm dealing with now. My mom has the same kind of emotional problems, as well substance abuse issues, so I can't help but feeling there is some biological component to this. I really need to get back on meds. God, I just hate myself so much.

*warm hugs*
Things can get better, I promise.
I used to wake up every morning with thoughts of self-loathing. I know how hard getting out of bed is with such mean, dark thoughts weighing you down.
I'm sorry about your mom. There very well might be a biological component to it; however, that doesn't mean you can't improve.
Have you spoken to your doctor about getting back on meds? That's great if you've found something that helps you. Have you given any thought to seeing a therapist, as well?
Please take care.
Well wishes,

Evol