Arbie is Wundering...

I am new (well not that new - a few weeks or so I guess) and just came across the intros.... oops my bad.

Well lets see, I was born in rural Australia, and was part of a large and very close knit blue collar family. My grandfather was in the 2nd World War and had been injured, something he never really talked about - of course he was also a hoarder and pretty much could tell you where to find one of the millions of small items he had was. Of course he also had difficulty finishing jobs as something else always came up.

My father was an athlete and was of Olympic standard but of course he had problems with his knees which caused him no end of trouble. His sporting achievements are something his children have always been expected to try and achieve, because he was just so good at what he did and he was so perfect at everything. We would be asked to help him by our mother only to be told that he doesn't need our help and that we wouldn't do it right anyways.

I was a very learned and studious person... I went through my preliminary schooling and finished as the most decorated student in the school. In my last year I actually conducted a series of classes with the teacher that I formulated and planned myself - pretty impressive for an Elementary School level really. I along with 2 other students could do our math tables front to back and back to front. I was very into drawing and my topic of choice was WW2 aircraft, namely Britains jewel the Spitfire, every time I drew one it had to be PERFECT and if it wasn't I would either start again or scrap the picture.

As my schooling progressed I found I ended up struggling with essays because I would write them and then re-write them because they weren't good enough, that would then cause me to have to rush a finish so as to get the essay in on time. I never knew that this was part of my condition. I also has the maddest crush on this one girl... that lasted all thru high school.

I never knew that this was all because of my condition, but then again many of us aren't aware of much when our teenage hormones are going crazy. I finished school and didn't really have a social life, as a result I didn't fit in with the cool kids, or the nerds and I wasn't a jock so I was pretty much a loner with a group of 'friends' who seemed to be more like companions suffering the same fate.

After school I had a few summer jobs on farms but nothing solid until I worked for the Government, within the Social Security department... I found I was suited to this work but I had continued clashes with superiors who obviously had a problem with me. I eventually resigned from that position, and I went looking for other work and eventually found myself in the Military. This was good for me as it was something that had order and was good for me as I knew where I stood and what I had to do each day.

I was in this for 6 years, during this time I was moved around a fair bit (I lived in 3 different states of Australia in 6 months all as a 'permanent' position) Eventually I settled in a base and was there for several months when I met a girl. We became friends and we socialised a lot as she was friends with many of my new Army buddies. We all got along well and after a while the lady and I ended up engaged which for me was a big step but I was in love and it felt right. To cut the story a bit shorter she eventually ran off with some other guy and I never saw her again. This naturally caused a depressive episode and being military I lost my weapons status, which meant that I couldn't even HOLD a rifle or a combat knife.

This was tough and I got treatment and to be honest I don't think the psychologist was even looking at anything else in my life at that time because that was all I was treated for and if they had found my condition then I wouldn't have been in my present dilemma.

I resigned from the military after less qualified and less skilled personnel began being promoted over myself, I felt betrayed by the system and I needed a new start. I returned home to my family and got myself a job doing a job to pay the bills, that was with the company I am presently employed by and that was approximately 8 years ago.

I had a workplace accident just over 2 years ago ... ironically the 2nd anniversary of the incident was just 2 days ago. I lost the tip of my right index finger and you never really know how much you use it until it's gone and you can't use it any more. Try picking up a match or a toothpick without using your right index finger - go on... I am sure you will find it difficult.

Anyway the catalyst that brought me here was a relationship breakdown, this person was the one who calmed me and became my stability and when they left I lost all control and all bearing - I was like a leaf on the wind, totally in the charge of the wind (in this case the wind is my condition) Simple things became difficult, normal tasks became reliant on my rule and systems and I found my paranoid state was far stronger and larger than I had thought previously. This fed my anxiety and made me feel completely and utterly lost. I only got help because she said I had a problem and that I needed help.

Since then I have learnt more about myself and my condition, I still sit sometimes and wonder who the real me is... can you see the real me?

Hi Arbie,

I like your posts. (Not just this thread, but others too.)

Your life sounds interesting, even if it may have felt like a struggle at times!

I am curious about where you grew up. I love the country, but it can be a hard place to live if you are a bit 'different'.

I doubt I could survive in the military. I like to do my own thing and to learn by myself too much. (I'm not good at following directions!) But I do enjoy structure a lot too.

I hope you enjoy discovering more about yourself by talking to others here.

Thanks Platy...

I am learning more about myself as I talk to those here, many of my childhood experiences were a mix of good ones and somewhat traumatic ones naturally the traumatic tend to stay with us longer.. My parents worked on the railways and I loved spending time around the trains and so forth, my earliest good memory is being 4 years old and driving a big diesel locomotive (with the help of the engineer) of course my dad reminds me every time I tell the story that it was the roughest ride he'd ever had on a work train. He never once acknowledged the fact I was just 4 years old, instead he'd complain about the sudden jolted start or the inconsistent speed increase, or the abrupt stop.

Similarly one of my first traumatic experiences comes at the hands of trains... as a kid I was always told to not play around the trains when they were moving. I wasn't playing on this occasion, I had been cleaning up grain from some of the big transport carriages for our chickens when another train pulled up. I was busily getting the grain and didn't realised one had uncoupled and was preparing to grab the trucks which I was cleaning grain from. The engine shunted as I was climbing down and the sudden jolt caused me to fall, I landed on the ground under the grain truck and I was a little stunned by the sudden move. I remembered my mothers words... if you ever get caught under a moving train... stay down. I lay flat on my back and was looking up as the grain trucks rolled past me, the axle only inches from my face, they were going slowly but for a little child whose heart was already racing it felt like they were flying past.

Hello Arbie. Thanks for posting a bit about your life. I just stumbled on this a minute ago.

The thing about the train sounds scary.

It is nice to have you around these forums, you make a good contribution...

Thanks Salted, the train thing was not really that scary it was probably only moving a couple miles an hour at the most but of course it was just so big and loud and I know my heart was racing... I think it just seemed scarier than it really was and looking back I think part of it was the stories my parents would tell me to scare me so I didn't play on or around the trains.

Fear, is something we all understand and live with. I was thinking about some of my most scared moments... Naturally the mishap with train was one... when I was about 12 my aunt was in a motor vehicle accident and I was in the back passenger seat, the driver that hit us crashed into the centre pillar (between the front and back passenger seats) The other moment was when a 6ft Brown snake slid itself over my bare feet....

Hi Arbie,
I'm so sorry that happened to you. Were you and your Aunt okay? The other driver?

A six foot snake?? That's like anaconda size, isnt it?

*hugs*

Evol

After the accident we were ok apart from some minor whiplash, the other driver was at fault and also had a bit of whiplash and a cut on his head... the car however was pronounced dead on the scene.

Ahhh well there are bigger snakes that 6ft here in Australia. The snake was only guesstimated at 6ft... some here are up to 3 times that size. And of course Anaconda's can get that big too (I am referring to the 3x 6ft)