Newbie here

Hi,
I am new to the entire site. I was diagnosed with PPD, labeled:" Paranoid/Psychotic" when I was 19 years old (I am now 57.) I went to three facilities in the course of 6 months (5 of those months were at a long-stay facility.) Due to my paranoia, I escaped, yes escaped, the facility and had to leave the state to avoid law enforcement (labeled: a threat to myself and/or others) and prevent myself from being committed into an institution. A side note here, I have never been a threat to others....others sometimes think I may come across that way but being PPD I avoid those situations. I had entered the facility under the guise of a "14-day voluntary commitment" which is misleading if you are a minor and your parents want to keep your there. Because, they can commit you. And then, you are not allowed to simply "sign-out" and leave. You are committed. That was something, being a PPD, that I had definitely not agreed to.

I have worked very diligently on my (what I called "problems," but it was really PPD) for over 37 years to date. I had even forgotten about it (the paranoia.) I didn't know that I had a disease. I thought I was doing well but once again I am/was about to ruin my marriage and my wife's "in house" separation from me caused me to look up "PPD." My research informed me that PPD is a disease (my research also led me to this website/forum.) Years ago, there were no computers or internet, yet today there are....which makes information so much more accessible. For this I am blessed and grateful. I've been married with her for 20 years and I want for her to have an even better experience being married to me as time goes on, and into our "golden years." Somehow, I am an optimist....a strange one, but still an optimist none-the-less. I think that is what has kept me functioning all along. She says that I am negative, but she doesn't know how positively I approach everything. I would have given up and begged for death were I not positive. I positively wanted to get better, and I did. I've not been psychotic since I was 21 years old and, to be fair, that was no doubt, obviously induced by drug abuse. I abused marijuana, PCP, and acid. The therapists said my drug abuse acted like a catalyst to manifest my situation, that of a Paranoid/Psychotic. Well, after years of (drug abuse) abstinence, which really did cure me of the psychosis, I thought all was well. I had devoted myself to the modification of my behavior. I thought "problem gone."

I thought I had cured my PPD, but I had only overcome the psychosis, which I stated I had that I also had been diagnosed with. It is obvious to me now that I still have PPD, although I wasn't aware of it. When my wife's telling me things had to change (she said "she felt as though she was walking on eggshells all the time, that I raged, and that I worried about things that I shouldn't, that I take things too personally and hold grudges," and/but the worst thing for me to hear...".that I was so negative and had such a negative outlook on everything.") I finally stopped and reevaluated my self because I thought I was a very positive person with a very positive outlook on life. Sure enough, I was driving away the very people I love and care about more than anyone or anything in the world. I have/had been all my life. Knowing that it is common with this disease makes everything so much clearer and explains a lot of my life's progression. I can now (finally) say, "I GET IT!"

Being PPD, of course I have always avoided professional therapy. I learned to cope with the paranoia and have three wonderful daughters aged 24-17. The oldest is in college and the youngest is in high school.

Although I was unaware of my offensive behavior (and I truly was, as hard as that may be for some to believe, it is part of the disease) the symptoms (improper interactions at times with people) were present, and I was unaware that I was (not on purpose) ruining my marriage. This is/was a "Hard pill to swallow", so-to-speak. Yet, I am intelligent enough to be appreciative that I am now aware of it. Thank God! Thank my precious wife! She too has stood by me through my disease, though definitely not knowing what exactly was wrong with me. She's a saint (to me.) And yes, now I am old enough or bold enough, or society is more accepting of people with mental diseases that I can accept the fact that I do indeed have a disease. I have PPD.

I know others have different degrees and problems associated with PPD, but now that I know I have a disease (and that it isn't cured.) I am finally able to understand what my wife sees. I am so sorry for causing her to feel that way about me. She's my wife, I want only the best for her. My changing is certainly worth it to me. If you really want to save your relationship with a PPD (and maybe this won't be valid for all cases) talk to them about it. I was ashamed of it when I was young, now I'm not. Rather than feeling weak, I now feel empowered. Empowered to know that I have a disease, that it is treatable, that it is not my fault, that I can live with and through it, and even joke about it. Talk to your PPD loved one and see if they are aware of having PPD. Let them know it is "work-through-able" and that you support them if they are brave enough to admit it and dedicated to success and happiness by first admission and then followed up by actions. Actions prove or disprove that a person is on the "right-track" or not. I'm a long time believer of that, it's a PPD thing. There may be relapses, but that can be expected with any disease. Are the "good times" worth it to you? Can you live with an occasional relapse (not something the PPD does on purpose, it's quite likely out of his/her control) provided that they are fewer and farther apart, and that they aren't as intense? Ask the PPD about "Triggers" that cause the PPD to go into a rage or unwarranted rant or behavior. Will you truly listen and make changes in your behavior so as to not Trigger and episode? My wife continues to Trigger minor things that lead to my episodes by not avoiding those behaviors, and I'm talking "little things" like walking over and taking the remote and changing the volume, or channel when just simply asking me to adjust or change it. It feels to me, the PPD, that it is a "control" issue....a domineering behavior that she does. She may (does) have issues of her own, (who doesn't) and being in control is something that is important (albeit overly) to her. I, the PPD, have to realize that she has issues too. That I don't need to make a big deal about it. I need to realize the freedom and well-being that I get by letting go and allowing her to feel free enough to do things like I just mentioned. i.e., So, sure honey, pick up the remote from my chair arm, feel free to manipulate it to suit your desire. I'm not going to let that bother me. I'm in it for the long-haul. I want her to feel great. The remote is no longer a Trigger. And, that is but one on the list of Triggers that I shall overcome. Should/when new Triggers come about, I will just have a self dialog and eliminate it. Hopefully, that will avoid new Triggers. If one slips in, I will communicate my feelings about it nicely and calmly, and let the process I mentioned above play out. Win-win!

This brief introduction was to assure you that I am and have lived with PPD for a long time. Even though I thought I was "over it," I now realize and readily accept the fact that PPD is a disease and like some diseases must be managed rather than cured. I sure would like to be cured, but I can manage it. I have no choice. And, I must have help and that involves trust....something that I give sparingly. I've not been "whacked-out" when it comes to trust for almost two decades, but I am cautious. I shall continue to pursue "cured,"(who knows, it might happen) until the day I die. That's positive.

In closing, and I haven't offered much. Talk with the PPD, it's well known that communication is important is all aspects of life. Identify Triggers. Modify your behavior by not Triggering, if it is a little thing? Why not, if it is for the common good?! Your acknowledgement of his/her Triggers will be assuring to him/her. As in my case, the PPD (me) will feel like you care and respect his/her space. It may modify his/hers feelings about those Triggers such that they no longer become Triggers for him/her. And that is a huge leap forward.

Talk and identify Triggers. Everybody has them to some degree.
Modify behaviors regarding minor events that do Trigger.
Allow the PPD to work on modifying his/her behavior to those Triggers, perhaps (ideally) becoming free from those Triggers.
Be on the look-out for new Triggers, self-dialog, and repeat the above.
Of course there are several-to-many (usually) more things to work on....start there.

Life is a journey for everybody. It involves ups and downs, good times and bad times, happiness and sadness, gifts and struggles, work and play, and lots more. It's The human Condition. Be positive, give love, find good friends, and pray for wisdom so you can know who to trust.

Good luck and may God bless.

That's a fantastic introduction, Randy! PPD is one of the quieter parts of our forum, unfortunately. But I hope you'll stick around to share such hard won experience. And perhaps cheer on some of the people who pass through. Unsure or worried about their new diagnosis. Or wondering how to help a friend or family member with some of these issues.