Hello everybody :)

Hey all...

I'm just amazed. Lately I have been doing so much thinking about why my life went the way it did, and I could never understand many of the things I did, or did not do. Then today, randomly on Tumblr, I stumbled across the definition of Atelophobia. At first I thought it was nonsense, but I ran a search on it anyway, out of curiosity. And just like that, I suddenly seemed to understand myself.

For example, I love music and play some instruments but I could never go for any lessons because I was terrified of not knowing everything outright. All my life I have lived in fear of the things I enjoy most. I still struggle to do anything in front of people, show anybody my art, play anything in front of anybody, especially if I know that they are more experienced or better at it than I am. It kind of sucks.

When I was in my teens, my parents had me visit psychologists and psychiatrists, but none of them could ever help me because I could never tell them anything real for fear of being judged. They sent me because of my depression, and I'm pretty sure the depression came from being unfulfilled due to my massive fear. During university I became better, more confident - but then I messed that up with drugs, desperately clinging to the wrong friends I made there - having always been a social failure before. I dropped out, and things became as bad as, and worse even, than before.

So here I am, after another search for a forum where I can talk to others who share similar experiences. I am so thankful that I found this today.

I'm on the wrong side of 25, and I should be much further along in life already. But now that I know I am not alone in this, I can perhaps start to find healthy and logical coping mechanisms.

I recently entered a new relationship which I really, REALLY want to work. And having the opportunity now to start really understanding how my brain works is giving me hope.