My intro

Occured I never actually introduced myself, and I"m sure many are curious about who I am (especially the mods I keep getting in trouble with hehe.) I think I've clarified my udnerstanding of the rules I broke and should be more in line with them now.

About me. My name's Jeff (sorta...shortening of my middle name but have gone by it all my life.) I'm 42 and a one-time psychology major. Dropped out of school though to enlist in the US Navy. But following an ankle sprain that interupted my training opted to get out instead of sit in a convalescent unit for weeks n weeks healing up. Also I had something of an epiphany while recovering realizing I could never kill, or by way or supporting position, assist in the killing of other people. Didn't know it then, but later discovered a wonderful quote by Albert Einstein along those lines of:

""He who joyfully marches to music rank and file, has already earned my contempt. He has been given a large brain by mistake, since for him the spinal cord would surely suffice. This disgrace to civilization should be done away with at once. Heroism at command, how violently I hate all this, how despicable and ignoble war is; I would rather be torn to shreds than be a part of so base an action. It is my conviction that killing under the cloak of war is nothing but an act of murder." - Albert Einstein

Sums me up perfectly. Instead of going back to school I got into security working at the Chevron World HQ in California. After about a year of that my cousin and I arranged to live together in Texas while he was at school. This was the brother of the cousin I grew up and fooled around with if familar with my threads mentioning such things. Lived and worked security there for just under a year but got sick of the minimum wage 80 hour workweeks and not having time for anything resembling a social life. It was all commute n work commute back and sleep. So I moved back home and reenrolled in school.

One day my grandparents dropped by unexpectedly and announced they were both dying of cancer. I'd just broken up with a girlfriend revealing my bisexuality to her so big things added up and conspired against me and I kinda lost it. Packed up the car and drove. Wasn't really going anywhere so much as running away (in hindsight I see that now.) But wound up driving from California to Florida saying I ran out of continent. Had been in Florida for basic so knew I liked it and figured I could get along being a beach bum or something loving to swim. Did manage that goal for a little while. Turns out the beach I swam from was having it's annual shark migration along it's shore, something I'm glad I didn't know about at the time Eventually a Catholic deacon noticed and befriended me and let me stay at his little cottage thing the church provided. Though never Catholic, I admried it I htink because I've always given more respect and legitimacy to older things and people. Just a kind of default trust to older n wiser, or been around longer sorta thing. Stayed with him a few weeks as my mind settled and I had time to think about the ex-gf and mt grandparents bombshell. He helped me call home and arrange to fly back minus the car. POS anyway

Back home we eventually moved here to Missouri as my Mom arranged hospice at home for the grandparents. They died eventually, and I've been here ever since. 14 years now she says, I'm bad with time and only remember back a little ways before 9/11 which stands out fine in my memory. Other generations remember with clarity where they were JFK was shot, our generation is probably gonna be like that but with 9/11.

Though not enrolled I maintain an interest in psychology (hence being here) along with all manner of science and theology. I'm hoping to write at least a couple books having persistant ideas for at least a couple. But right now every time I sit and try to get them started, I write for a while then my mind drifts into other interests and I stop. I think it's that in order to write an entire book you need some kind of driven thing about your personality, and I"m just too passive and mellow to feel driven to do much of anything. I'm a pothead stoner hippy minus the pot.

My nickname was chosen specificly for this site having presence of mind not to use anything from elsewhere so as to remain a degree of anonymity. It's referringto a line from Star Trek:The Motion Picture when the bald headed navigator, a Deltan, is first introduced on-screen. Uhura gets word she's en route and mentions it to Captain Kirk adding, "She's...Deltan Captain." The Deltans it turns out from the novel series are a race of hypersexual pacifist beings I shouldn't wonder were patterened after bonobo chimpanzees being almost identical in how they approach sexuality. But both the chimps and Deltans describe me quite well. Hence the nick.

Introduce yourself at 1010 posts - nice.

This was a very interesting read. I'm sorry to hear about the loss of your grandparents to cancer. It is interesting to hear a bit about what types of events and people have shaped your views as a person. I have been wondering about you a bit seeing as you post fairly often so this was nice to read a bit about you. I can imagine that if you had the discipline to sit down and actually do a bit towards writing a book each day that that is probably actually something you could achieve seeing as your writings are quite structured generally and you clearly show you read and think about things deeply. After you "lost it" did you ever get a diagnosis or anything to help you with what actually happened for you mentally?

Interesting to know the inspiration behind your username also...

After my (self-described breakdown) I didn't get into therapy or anything. That did come about but not until many years later. Then, it was called schitzo-affective disorder, but that was from an incredibly overworked psychiatrist after a hour session. Wound up seeing him for a few months, gave in and tried an anti-psychotic (Risperdal,) and then an anti-depressant (Zoloft.) But eventually I quit both and seeing him. My main reason was being puzzled over why the solution to alledged problems include taking away the one joy from a patient's life - their sexual desire. Disturbingly, I now hear both those drugs are being sued, the former for causing male breast development, and dunno what was going on with Zoloft. I don't seem to have gynochlomastia (male breasts) but I still catch myself peering at my chest occasionally

My only symptoms are what I believe in. I don't suffer from any symptoms usually associated with any sort fo mental illness. It's just that compared to others I don't bow and nod in agreement with the majority and thus am a misfit or societal reject of sorts. But being a student of history, that descirbes pretty much everyone you end up reading about. It we medicated everyone in the world there'd be no one to study in history classes. I've been around people with overt illnesses who couldn't control themselves like and expressed ideas which can only be described as delusional, so I don't doubt mental illnesses exist or anything. I just don't believe whatever my thing might be it requires drug therapy. I don't foam at the mouth, talk to myself, or believe CIA, G-d, demons, or aliens are fiddling me about late at night. I'm the most grounded and literal person imaginable. Maybe I just don't understand what schitzo-affective disorder means.