My name is Michelle

Hello Everyone,

Nice to meet you. I am 45 and really only just now starting to acknowledge a life long battle with depression, anxiety and stress and maybe some sort of explosive personality disorder though until recently I've only snapped in a rage a couple of times so I don't think it qualifies. I really haven't been diagnosed but I do know growing up I was pretty much afraid of everything and everyone. I was anxious all the time and worried about everything though I pretty much hid it from the world and myself quite frankly stuffing my feels so I could cope but I do know I spent a lot of time feeling depressed putting on a happy face for the world. The stress and anxiety got worse as I got older and my life got more complicated and stressful in general to the point I came very close to feeling like I was having a nervous breakdown when something in my brain snapped and I actually found what I can only describe as pure peace and serenity. When things went wrong I was accepting and didn't carry anything with me through other areas of my life. Though I still battled a little with stress and anxiety it no longer ruled my life and I was truly happy for a good 10 years. Unfortunately a life circumstance caused my brain to snap back into the pessimistic depressed state it was before my breath through and it feels worse than it ever was before.

I have or get some sort of major depression or ptsd that gets triggered after a medical event more so than my run of the mill depression and anxiety. It happened after 2 major surgeries but I was able to bounce out of the deep deep depression within a month both of those times. This did not happen the last time about a year and a half ago. I had a congenital heart condition come to the surface that needed to be corrected and after it was all said and done something in my brain snapped again and now I actually feel worse than I ever did. Where I use to be able to contain the emotions I can't seem to anymore. I do not outwardly show it to the world but when I am at home alone or in my car I can spin tremendously out of control with thoughts of suicide and wanting to die. Even though I have extreme feelings of just wanting to get out I will state that I do not perceive that I will take my life because I have a couple of people in my world who I do not want to hurt and traumatize with that sort of act and a part of me does know it isn't the answer but I do get extremely overcome with the emotions and they hurt so bad I have taken to hitting myself to release the pain so I can now add self harm to the list of things I am struggling with.

I have not been diagnosed and am not certain I will seek out help because quite frankly once you do in the States you become virtually uninsurable. I find that tragic but I will try to see if I can work through this on my own since I did once before but I am not ruling out getting help if things get worse. What I will say doing a bit of my own research is I appear to have depression and likely have major depressive episodes and from time to time rageful episodes especially while driving but I do not think I have bipolar because I do not have manic highs that I can perceive. I really think most of it stems from a tendency to be hypercritical of myself and have self loathing so I do think some sort of cognitive issue is at hand. Though the clear snapping of my brain/mood in a instant is something that I really haven't been able to pin down. But it sure is nice to find a place where you can talk about what you are feeling and be understood. My mother is the only one who really knows I have been battling this past year to keep myself alive but she can't relate and I have put such a burden on her that it is nice to know I can find others here who can relate.

I know this is a long introduction but I am really now just understanding and acknowledging myself and to do that it has always helped me to write it all down on paper so to speak. It seems to help my brain sort things out. Anyways, not sure how much I will post but I appreciate finding a community of people who I can turn to for moral support. I can imagine that this is a major lifeline for a lot of people and it may become one for me as well.

Thanks,
Michelle

I appear to have posted this in the wrong spot. I wanted to post it in the introduction section but didn't get to the right spot. It can be moved.

Hi Michelle and welcome to the forums!

Thank you for introducing yourself. You didn’t post in the wrong spot. This is definitely a place for introductions, though not the only one. In some disorder-specific forums (but not all) there is a sticky thread at the top titled “What's Your Story?” where you can introduce yourself as well, if you like. Some members just start a new thread in the specific forum they are going to be posting in the most to say 'hi' and introduce themselves. Many just start posting with no separate introduction at all.

I’m sorry to hear you have struggled with so much in your life. I hope you find it helpful and supportive to be here.

Big welcome *hug* and take care,
Jan

Hi Michelle wellcome to the forums and I'm sure you will find friends here.
You will find plenty of support from people on here and I hope consider carefully your future decision on getting help.I mean you can't keep going through life with no 'progress' so to speak ? Anyway keep posting on here and good luck with everything.