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What's the truth about me?

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What's the truth about me?

Postby ZwDe » Sun Apr 29, 2012 12:44 pm

I think I'm malignant. I've tried going to the doctor about problems such as self-delusion. I feel like I have a serious problem and I've spent years researching illnesses and diseases, usually mental ones. It takes up ALL my time but no one takes me seriously.

The problem is I have no problem. But that is a problem to me. There simply has to be something wrong with me. I can't concentrate on my life at all and I can't break out of the pattern. I hate being able and prefer being unwell, so I'm going to try and make myself unwell. How else can I deal with my life. I don't even want anything for myself other than to be ill, but I'm scared of disease, and I don't want to be ill.

Researching and thinking about my (lack of) problem is debilitating, I've always needed the special treatment. I was never shown how to look after myself. So why should I learn? I can't control myself.

Attempting to make any self-improvement is self-delusion. I learn new skills but I just hate myself even more for being so self-hating. It's so exhausting and I can't stop. I don't want people to feed my sympathy addiction but they do.

Nobody told me my parents were childish. They could have said that their behavior was good or bad. I understand that now. But then I looked up to them. I threw everything in with them and they just walked right through me. That obliterated me. I had to parent myself.

People think I'm funny now because I'm a joke and making everything up. But for a while I thought that's what everyone did. I was shocked when I realized people were going through life not faking everything. I thought that was normal. Now not even the doctor can take me seriously.

I remember being 12 years old and playing with some toys. Then it suddenly hit me that I was going to grow up one day but I was always alone and didn't know how to do anything. So then I cleared them up and packed them away. I just stood there angry as you can get a 12 year old to be and just thinking Why is no one Telling me anything.
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Re: What's the truth about me?

Postby CrackedGirl » Sun Apr 29, 2012 6:50 pm

I am really sorry you are struggling so much with all of this. It sounds really tough for you. I really think you need some professional help - I think you need to be 100% honest with your Dr about what you are feeling and ask them to refer you to someone who can help you. It sounds like you have a lot of reasons for why you feel as you do and I think it is important to see if you can get some help to work through it perhaps in therapy.

Keep talking

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