I don't want to be a malingerer

I guess I intend to embarass myself with this post.

I have been tempted to malinger on several occassions lately.
Firstly, when I started a new job that caused me a lot of anxiety and then I had a couple days off, I didn't want to go back. I spent several days planning to pretend that I had a relapse of my bipolar disorder and was severely delusional. I imagined it would end of with me back in the hospital. I spent the last night before going back wide awake all night because I was building up the courage. I was going to rehash some of the same old delusions from my last episode and pepper a few new ones on top. At the last hour, I decided I couldn't put my significant other thru it. To have them believe that I was that ill. I finally said to myself "I have a conscience" and I put the idea behind me. I did wind up calling in sick because I hadn't slept at all that day but I have otherwise met my work obligations. That was about a month ago.

The last week I've been feeling very physically tired- exhausted really. I started fantasizing about passing out at work. Not only the new anxiety provoking job, but also an older job in which I feel more confident. At both jobs, I started thinking about how I could collapse to the floor without hurting myself. Like, what I could hit my head on that might be somewhat softer than the typical concrete floor. In the end, I didn't know that I could do it convincingly and safely.

Then, as I was driving to work one day and not really wanting to get there, I started to wonder what if I ran my car off the road somewhere and pretended to have had an unconscious spell. As I was thinking about it, I saw a cop car and I thought it would be good to do it with a cop car nearby so that I would have a witness who would then come to my aid. I haven't done this one yet- my main concern would be inflicting damage to my car which could be costly.

Anyway, I'm not usually a lying sociopath. But my mind has been working overtime trying to figure out how I can escape the responsibilities of work here lately. It also seems important to mention that I was under so much anxiety at work that I feel like I warrant some kind of attention. And then when I was feeling so tired, I was also worried about my health, so its not getting out of work simply to get out of work but because I'm so uncomfortable. I've recently applied for a new job and I hope to have less anxiety with that job. So I am taking steps.

So, Am I a completley horrible person?

A "horrible" person? - No, you certainly are not a horrible person. What you seem to be instead is someone stuck in a pettern/cycle of destructive behaviour. If you could manage to get some solid structure to your life, then things might improve for you. For example, get into the habit of ensuring you do the same things each day and at the same times too. For starters, you could try going to bed at the same time, and then getting up at the same too. Eat the same things for breakfast, lunch, and dinner for a while too; and arrive/leave work at a consistent time also.

By sticking to a strict routine lile this, you'd be straightening out your life. It wouldn't be advisable to do the same things like this forever, but I think it's a good starting point to get out of your current situation. I know that you want to move on, but maybe you just haven't found the way out yet. Keep looking and thinking about what I've said. Ultimately, I think you have the know-how to get out of this yourself. Should you feel that you need help, however, then go to your local doctor for advice.

Kevin

You don't sound like a "horrible person" to me. Certainly not a "lying" sociopath! Who tha heck called you that? Shame on 'em!

Do you think it might be social anxiety and/or some degree of agoraphobia? Can you get a job in which you spend your workday away from people, like as a private caregiver, stocking and writing inventory in a back room, not necessarily those jobs, but something that would similarly post you in a non anxiety producing daily grind, instead of plunging you every day into the panic you seem to feel? You don't want to make it TOO easy on yourself to become isolated, so if you try that, be careful, love and care for yourself, don't call yourself names, and WOW, I so agree with the advisor above on making a strict, unvarying routine just long enough to pull out of a slump or vicious cycle. I speak from EMPATHY here. I rely deeply on the "get a strict routine for a while" method of recovery, but it took me decades to find it out by myself. Yes, even eating the same food. It works. Make it nutritious, you'll love yourself for that. Waking up each day feeling good about yesterday is great for fighting off a slump.

I am like you about jobs, lying awake all night, steering helplessly toward avoidance, just ANY way to avoid. I don't entertain self-destructive notions, but only because my personal support system is such that I've never had to think quite that far into the Land of Sheer Desperation. And I'm embarrassed about it too. Don't you be, okay? Keep getting the help, and maybe try REFUSING to deny it or hang your head, embrace it as part of YOU and something you're working on the best you can, emphasize (and practice) your GREAT qualities, don't let others call you a malingerer if you're in fact a person in a cycle of panic. Think about how many people are secretly just like you. Malinger is a bad word. It should go. You should stay.

Cranky Layperson (mom and granny)

PS, if you try the "make an unvarying routine" bit, DO NOT let it become just one more thing to criticize yourself and feel like a failure over! You do this as YOU are comfortable doing it. The routine you decide on is not your master. YOU are the boss. DO NOT let others walk in on your routine pointing out how well or poorly you're sticking to it. Don't even tell anyone what you're doing unless you WANT to tell them.