My Circle

I hope you don't find this post either boring or offensive. I just need to empty myself of the heavy weight I carry every day,let out any word to no one in particular to try to breathe,as been me can be exhausting.

I am a thirty one years old male, and trapped in my body exist the introvert overthinking, addicted to weed, brain of a fear seeker. I think I know myself very well,but I never listen to what my sane voice is telling me. I rather pay attention to the self destructive voice that takes my body and mind and drives it for days,weeks and sometimes months taking control of my thinking,behaviour,my pain,my money and basically sucks all my blood, juts not enough kill me but to let me live another miserable day.

I also have good points about me. I love to read,a lot....a lot about anything,lately most about psychology and self development,even though I never do anything to get better,I read a book,I nod,I feel myself in every single word and realise what's the problem and what do I have to do to sort it out....or that's what I think at the moment.

I know I am not putting my thoughts in order so lets get to the point.

I just find life not worth it. I see motivational videos on YouTube many times,I see solutions on books and internet about depression and social anxiety,I read almost everyday about the benefits of quitting weed for good...but for no reason at all I don't move myself to get closer to a better and healthier life,I stay the same,with all the loneliness, procrastination, depression and the weed.

On my days off from work I rarely go out. I wake up really early in the morning like four or five and go somewhere to grab a coffee and munchies for the whole day,tobacco, and anything not to leave my place until I have to go to work.

I started to smoke weed by fun,even though I knew I'm a person with a great chance to become addicted to any harmful substance,and that was six years ago. I believe I went from drinking alcohol everyday to smoke,and I can tell the difference is great,weed is less harmful than alcohol,but,and there is a big BUT, you can become an addicted,like me.

At this point you might be laughing or maybe you quit reading long ago,but I want you to understand that I talk about myself,I don't mean to be selfish,but I need to put this words all together with no intention at all,maybe I need to see that there are some people like me out there,maybe I seek attention, I don't know to be honest.

Weed has brought happiness and joy but also many pain to my life,from taking loads of money in a monthly basis,to taking away people from my life for ever. And despite all of that i keep going to the dealer once or twice a month to buy my once. I don't know even how I'm keeping up at work as I had to lead a small team of ten people and every single day my mood is just horrible,avoiding conflict and meetings,overlooking mistakes not to have a one to one conversations with the person,doing barely the minimum effort just to show up and once finished running home to roll and forget about all the drama from work,the overweight I suffer,the depression,the lack of human contact...and most importantly dreaming about the "right" life i should be living, like I should join the gym and go out more often with people, make some friends, do things by myself and so on.

I know I suffer from stress and anxiety,and being alone at home smoking calms me a lot,but that's it. If I choose this,I spend all my free time alone,due to lack of interest related to weed,and obviously if I had weed at home I must smoke,as I don't have control over myself. In the other hand If I don't have weed I try to fight it and think about something else,but my lack of activity and social life limit my options. Even if I don't smoke for a few days I found myself still lazy and demotivated and with nothing to do with my free time. Yes I could join the gym and go to classes or do some weights but I cannot stand confrontation with people,getting out of my comfort zone scares the hell out of me,and I know is because is something new and with the time I might get used to it,also I cannot keep a habit for long time,I don't know the science behind this,but whenever I start,or try to start something new, I find it boring, painful, not interesting and slowly slowly I convince myself to quit.
On the other hand I meet a friend maybe once or twice a month for a drink,the shorter the better,as the time goes, I feel more uncomfortable,wanting to go to smoke and with nothing to say or suggest.Because of my addiction I found myself with no conversation at all,I have nothing to tell as I have no previous experience in life for the past years, due to my beloved weed that takes my whole time.
So basically I know my problem is weed,so at this point I don't have any control of my life. I tried to book an appointment with a therapist but one day before the booking I cancel it. I believe I was thinking " I have to pay someone to tell me what I know already ",so basically what pop's in my mind is: Are you gonna commit yourself to whatever task your therapist is going to give you?
Sadly I know which is the answer,no,but not because I don't want to do anything about it,but because I know I will lose my time doing random things,I will say to myself I am tired all the time, or I will smoke and then forget all about it.

So people,this is the circle of my life,and past experiences had show me that not even dramatic scenarios,money issues or family problems had not change my habit at all.

I know all the benefits of quitting weed and leading a healthy life,like,clarity of mind,better relationships,better performance at work,more money savings, live happy with yourself and others, better judgement...but deep inside me I'm still waiting for invisible switch to tell me:

"Its time to change"

P.S. Thanks for reading and sorry for misspelling.

I used to seek the thrill of a cannabis high, but then it turned against me. I just get paranoid at the scent of it. The high turned into to panic.
If you are addicted (and I have known people that are), then I would try NA or an evaluation from a counselor.
When the drug was lifted from my system, then 90% of my problems went away. I am able to address the other 10% with a clear head these days.
I did need treatment for anxiety and depression once I got clean. The doctors could do nothing for me while I was still actively using. Nothing would have worked.
First things first.
Best of luck to you.

Thanks Wally!
But I amazed how having the knowledge and the proof that you are killing yourself with an addiction that is leading to :

(In my case)

-Paranoia
-Social Isolation
-Anxiety
-Trigger stress
-Waste of money
-Were I live now is illegal,so going to the dealer
and even smoking outside/home is a total Odyssey

The list goes on,and I choose to hide everyday in a safe shelter and light up until the next day, so I will go to work to pay for my highs and then guess what...

Trying to break the circle is not easy,and I'm in a point in my life that I don't really know if my thoughts, feelings and emotions I have in a daily basis are the human being am I or is the weed inside me who shaped me, day by day to become me, and I can't differentiate anymore where my roots are.

I always believe every person is like a different world,and so any small act affects us in a different way. Today I decide to see happiness and feel good vibes no matter what happen during the day,even if I have to fake it to myself,and to be honest I felt quite good,I try to stop myself when I was about to think in something dodgy and I had a conversation with the little voice that tries to convince me and sweet talk me.

Thanks for the support,and for the others struggling out there like me, a battle won for your persona has a great amount of satisfaction,you are battling for yourself everyday,and you are important,don't forget that.

agreed