Feeling desperate and out of control

The internet. It has been my love and the downward drag of my existence for decades. Without rehashing my entire history of internet usage, I'll simply say I'm 42, very interested in technology and have been on the internet using bulletin boards and such when it first became available at universities at the outset.

Jumping straight to the point, I'm killing my career because all I do is sit at the computer and play on the internet. I'm an attorney who works for himself. I don't really have enough money to advertise for clients, so I don't get many. Just a spare referral from a friend or another attorney maybe once or twice a month. I've just gone through a horrific divorce 6 months ago and my financial situation sucks.

About 4 months ago, I was handed a leg up from an elder attorney who has let me use an office in his building for my office AND has made me the manager for a collections company he owns. That sounds fancy, but I'm the only employee except for one guy who comes in and makes collections calls three days a week. I'm supposed to be making cold calls to get new accounts to collect on...but I don't. I surf the internet. You'd think that because it's totally on commission that I'd be motivated, but I'm not. I've got legal work to do for the only two clients I have...but I don't. I surf the internet.

We all have our cycle of internet sites that keep our stimulation going, right? With one button I pull up Facebook, Tumblr, and two different forum boards I enjoy where people post either relationship problems (not this one) or hobby projects they are working on.

I have to have the internet for my job so being "internetless" isn't an option. But I can't help but procrastinate. And I can't help but do it by surfing the net. Everytime I go through the cycle, I know I get my rush or fix. I can sit and reblog picturese on Tumblr for hours once I'm in the zone. And I love giving my opinion on the relationship forum too. There's always someone with a new problem or interesting debate about relationships.

The only way I'm really surviving is that I'm renting rooms out of my house and the bills get paid with that money. If I didn't have that, I'd be totally sunk. Still it's not enough money to really go places and have fun. But again, not totally motivating.

I'm not sure what I'm expecting from anyone....but I'm feeling out of control. I know things are going to get worse if I don't get my ass in gear and work...but I just have no will power to do it.

HELP!!!

Wow- This sounds like a huge problem in your life, one that most of us manage without too much difficulty, but one which becomes a huge problem for some people.

I suppose I've had my share of compulsive behavior in life, but it's never taken the form yours has, so perhaps I'm not in a very good position to comment. But I am a strong believer in a couple of things that I would commend to your attention:

1) Seek professional help from a therapist with experience dealing with patients with conditions like yours. Before selecting a therapist, don't be afraid to ask questions about his or her professional background.

2) I strongly sense you need to do some things to "get out of your own head". Yoga can be good for that- I've done it off an on for the past year or so, and believe it has a restraining, centering influence on me. Problem is, I get "too busy" to go to class. Another thing that does it for me is bicycling- do it alone and with a group.

I hope this is of help to you; I know all of these things have helped me.