IED? Re: Lost It Again Today...

K I don't know if I'm IED and I will talk to my psych about it but that appt is not for a while and I posted this in the BP forum as I'm Bipolar and well didn't get any replies maybe cause ppl read it and thought Child Abuser I would just like someone to talk to about this, this lose of control.

I don't know if this was a mood swing or burst of Rage or what but I hate that it happened and I know I may be slaughtered for this post but I can't talk about it to anyone my moms says good(if he was bein a brat) or shakes her head she just doesn't get how it makes me feel as a parent and a person.

I hate myself again today I lost control. We were late getting ready this morning and my son started whining about cotton candy at school and maybe it's cause I went to bed late(12am) or maybe it's when he ignored my request to take his shoes off and put his socks on for the umpteenth time my meter was full up and I should have never went to his room where he solemnly stood in the door way as soon as I started talked it was impulse to grab his head and bang it against the door(that Blind Red Rage outta nowhere). I immediately recoiled. Disgusted. Child Abuser.

I thought I was done with this. I was doing so good for so long I haven't put a finger on him I've walked away so many times screaming a lot of them but seriously since the meds I've been good for the most part. I've lost him to Children's Services once already for my party days. Sometimes I feel like I should have let the system take him but I can't think that it would shatter him now and me completely but what's best for him? I just pray that one day he can see that I am a sick person trying the best I can and that somebody somewhere has gone through this and come out the other side and their child didn't hate them and wasn't completely damaged.

The second I talk to the pros about this Child Welfare will be at my door I don't get warnings anymore.I was so close to calling them myself about a year ago things have been good. Is it fair to him? He always says we never do stuff together between him n his xbox/(my)laptop and me on my computer he's right I'm 24 he's 6 were growing up together and all the parenting courses in the world cannot teach you how to bond with your child. I hate this pain that I made.
F@*%# this is so scary... I can't imagine how my son feels right now...
No but he portrays his feelings towards me through anger (I wonder why) which will probably cost him a bad day at school.
He talks to the child Psych soon not particularly about me, he's ADD but I hope he talks about whatever he needs to...
If anyone is or has went through anything like this pls feel free to comment

$ev

So since posting this in here I've gotten some feedback in the BP Forum and maybe this is just my Bipolar but I will still be talking to my doc about IED just to see what she has to say.

$ev

do you think it would be worth talking to your son about it? I know he is only 6 but do you think you could apologize and explain that it was a bad thing that you did and you shouldn't have done it, he didn't deserve it, etc? I wonder if that might ever so slightly change the way you feel in that split second that you lose it next time. Also, it might be the best way to help him through the abuse.

To be completely honest, if you really love you son, you shouldn't be raising him. Even if your sorry, it doesn't take it away, he WILL remember and be messed up. He doesn't deserve this. If I ever did that my mother would call DHS on me. Your mother is horrible to think he deserves that. Get him therapy and get him a stable home so he has a chance, then get yourself help. Then you can have a relationship but its better you admit to everyone and give him a chance.

If his head was hit against the door hard it can be dangerous.

Sometimes he may not display outwards symptoms but might have something like internal bleeding or at least concussion.

I appreciate that you have some insight into your problems, and it is encouraging that you know it was completely inappropriate.

However you have crossed a significant line, over really fairly common, trivial behavior by your son.

We have to wonder what other sort of incidents may have occurred, and it would seem likely there is more potential for incidents in the future (perhaps worst).

A 6 year old body cannot take a lot of damage. You may not appreciate the risk, but besides the trauma of being treated in such a way, such sort of behavior could result in very serious injury or even death- especially when the head is involved.

It is VERY traumatic for a child to be separated from a parent, especially if they have some level of bond with the parent.

I am inclined to think you present a serious danger to your son. You may not want to hear that. But I think you have serious issues and cannot control your potential for violence towards your son, and you can not handle the great stress of being a full time parent to your son.

It would be ideal if you know any mentally well, non-violent relatives that may be able to take him, as that is probably better than foster care.

But even if he is put in foster care, if you are cooperative with Child Protection, you should be able to get frequent supervised visits to see him. In the future, you have a lot of time to try and get better control over your issues, and if you can improve over a few years, then you have the potential to be more heavily involved in his situation in the future.

You have not given us very much information. It is hard to know how hard you hit his head against the door, but my opinion from how this sounds is that you are probably not mentally balanced enough at this stage in your life to care for him, and it is probably best he is looked after by others.

I am making no judgments about the problems you have. It is very sad, and tragic that you have such serious problems. But it is severely inappropriate to act in such a way towards a child, and severely concerning that you lost control like that. From my experience, the chance of a similar thing happening again are very high and it could even be worst.

It may be very hard to acknowledge that you are a risk to your sons safety, and well being, but if you can admit that and do what is in his best interests, then that truly demonstrates that despite your problems you are doing the best to do the right thing.