Our partner

IED, fantasising and intrusive thoughts

Intermittent Explosive Disorder message board, open discussion, and online support group.

Moderator: NewSunRising

IED, fantasising and intrusive thoughts

Postby dan_33uk » Wed Sep 03, 2014 11:45 am

Hi All... I wonder if anyone can help me

I'm a 34 year old male, happy, fit and healthy, with no known medical problems. I am in a very stable relationship with a beautiful, intelligent woman, and my social life is very good. Generally I am a well liked person and do not have any social issues other than being a little shy (this generally manifests itself as being over confident through me at times over compensating for my shyness!). I also have a career that I'm very proud of and enjoy very much.

When I was younger (27 years old) my then girlfriend took in a young cat off the street. He was a very affectionate cat and constantly wanted attention.

One day whilst alone in the house, I was playing with him in the kitchen. Suddenly I was overcome with an irresistible urge to hurt him which I found I couldn't control. Before I knew what I was doing, I had grabbed the cat by the throat and pinned him to the floor. Realising what was happening I let go of the cat (who obviously ran away) and sat on the floor in the kitchen shaking with my heart pounding in my chest. I put the episode down to some special vitamins I was taking at the time and tried to forget about what had happened.

A couple of weeks later I had another episode. I suddenly and without provocation became explosively violent towards the cat. This happened on 3 more occasions each time becoming more violent. The episodes were explosive in nature and began with a sudden and uncontrollable urge to be violent towards him. I would try and control myself with breathing but would ultimately be overcome by the urge.

I subsequently gave the cat to a friend and the episodes went away.

At the time, I was under a lot of stress at work with examinations and put what had happened down to this.

7 months ago, my now wife brought home a cat she had rescued from a centre. Again he is very loving and affectionate, and I like him very much. He occasionally sits on my lap, snuggles on the bed with us in the morning, and has become a very loved member of the household.

A couple of days ago, I was working from home trying to get a project finished that was due in at the end of the week. The cat appeared in the living room, gave me his usual "hello" meow and rubbed himself against my legs. He clearly wanted to jump up on my lap, but I wasn't in a position where he could. Furthermore, I was just too busy. Instead he jumped up on to the table where I was working.

Suddenly, I exploded violently pushing him hard off the table and onto the other sofa. Naturally the cat ran for the door but I ran after him chasing him out of the cat flap. There is no other way of saying it, but I wanted to hurt him. I sat back on the sofa with my heart pounding and my hands shaking.

In the lead up to this episode, I had started to have urges that manifested themselves as images popping into my head about hurting him, and since it happened I keep fantasising about it. You see, I am ashamed to say that I felt feelings of pleasure when it happened. The feeling of my heart pounding along with the adrenaline surging through my body actually felt good.

Since then I have managed to keep myself in control, and I am starting to feel the urges diminish in their intensity. The cat is fine and currently curled up on the sofa next to me looking very relaxed and contented.

Do I have IED and do people with IED also find themselves having fantasies about what they have done along with other intrusive thoughts?
I am currently under quite a lot of pressure at work. Could this be the trigger for these episodes and is this common with IED? If I reduce the pressure will this help reduce my urges?

Are there any techniques I can use to control myself when these occasions occur?

I feel I should also tell you all (not that this is an excuse for my actions) that my mother was physically abusive towards me as a child. I regularly received beatings as well as emotional torment and imprisonment. Could this be the cause of my problem?

Finally, you should all know that I have never in any way been violent towards my wife. Even when tempers are raised (as married couples generally do) I have never even had violent thoughts towards her.

Your comments and help would be very appreciated.
dan_33uk
Consumer 0
Consumer 0
 
Posts: 1
Joined: Wed Sep 03, 2014 9:58 am
Local time: Mon Aug 26, 2019 4:36 am
Blog: View Blog (0)


ADVERTISEMENT

Re: IED, fantasising and intrusive thoughts

Postby SBBro » Wed Sep 17, 2014 12:33 am

Sounds like you're gonna end up wanting to feed a cat to an atm.
Don't talk to any homeless people.
question the sanity of the woman you are securely dating.

Your diagnosis is hinted in the first line ;)

You need risperidone.
2012 "just anxiety"
2013 inpatient 'suicidality, MDD etc
2014 "youve been diagnosed with everything under the sun"
BPD
Current meds: Zoloft 25mg
SBBro
Consumer 6
Consumer 6
 
Posts: 742
Joined: Sun Oct 16, 2011 7:58 pm
Local time: Mon Aug 26, 2019 2:36 pm
Blog: View Blog (0)

Re: IED, fantasising and intrusive thoughts

Postby northwestchica » Wed Sep 17, 2014 6:11 am

totally relate to wanting to hurt a cat.

I had this happen to me out of the blue in college. BF brought home a cat. I thought it was cute. Was home playing with it alone and it meowed. Went into explosive rage and began to strangle it/throw it. I even stalked it down/chased it just to throw it. I can't explain my rage- it was like I was possessed with a desire for blood.

I tried to ignore the cat during the days following but I did it again when it would meow. I thought I was going insane. Finally after three more episodes over a period of a month or two gave the cat away.

I knew something was wrong with me because I had no major stress and did not drink/do drugs. I instictively felt it was connected to my mother, but I had no idea why. During the time of the episodes I had a brief moment of visualizing my mother or being my mother when she was spanking me and feeling like she was right to beat my back into a pulp. It was a brief memory/flash but it was a clue.

Up until the Cat Episode I thought my childhood rearing was normal. I only then realized that I was physically abused in the guise of spankings which took place several times a day and were so painful I would often "exit" my body to find relief.

My mother was physically and verbally abusive. I have since coped with my rage. I believe these "Cat Episodes" stem from the fact that as an infant/child I was severely punished for crying/exhibiting emotion or child-like qualities which my mother hated. I felt like the cat was asking to be loved/for attention and I hated the cat for that. I did not feel the cat deserved love, affection or attention, especially when it acted infantile/babyish or meowed. The more cuddly it was the more I wanted to kill it and torture it. The more weakness it exhibited the more I wanted to unleash my rage.

When I went to therapy the therapist asked me to recall my child self. I told her I would not do this because I hated my child/infant self and wanted to kill it. I said this without thinking because I thought it was normal that people would hate their child self. After all aren't all children weak, annoying, sniveling, gross and unwanted parasites? No sooner had the words left my mouth that I then realized I have a fear/hatred toward infant children/toddlers/children under 5 and that it stemmed from the fact my mother hated me as an infant/child. I have always felt hated by my mother as a baby from earliest memory.

IDK if your experiences are similar but I think the Cat is symbolic for an infant or the infant self. We were probably taught that showing childishness/infant behavior is wrong and feel that the Cat's existence is wrong.

For a long time kitten videos and pictures of babies would illicit lower levels of disgust/rage. I find I want to punch other people's infants in the face or hit them. I have since dealt with my childhood trauma and subsequent rage but occasionally the feeling returns. I've learned that it is ok to be mad at annoying cats and babies but I don't need to be afraid of them.

All I know is that during the episode(s) I felt like the Cat was morally repugnant/wrong to exist. I felt justified to torture it and even kill it. So weird. I have never hurt anything in my life before or since that point. I am described as being a generally kind, outgoing and warm person with a compassionate personality. It was bizarre and scary.

My advice:
Get rid of the Cat, no use living with a trigger in your home. If your GF protests say you hate the smell or have allergies or gee, even tell her the truth. Go to therapy and deal with your abusive past. This will only get worse/more internalized and complex the longer you hold onto it, and if you have children you might find yourself really hating them for being like the Cat.
northwestchica
Consumer 0
Consumer 0
 
Posts: 5
Joined: Wed Sep 17, 2014 2:58 am
Local time: Sun Aug 25, 2019 9:36 pm
Blog: View Blog (0)

Re: IED, fantasising and intrusive thoughts

Postby NotUrAverage » Sun Sep 28, 2014 5:20 am

Hi, you posted this earlier this month from what I see so you may not still be checking replies but here's my thoughts anyway.
You seem to be someone who has tried to distance yourself as much as possible from your abusive upbringing. I don't think it's healthy at all to do this. Relieving as it may seem, dealing with abusive parents by ignoring the truth is dangerous. I'm no psychologist by profession, however I know there are different facets of the human psyche and suppressing abuse just won't keep it at bay permanently. The further you distance yourself, the more obscure the messages to truth are. My mom abuses me, but a cat triggers me? It seems puzzling, but it's more (to my mind anyway) an indication that the abuse is being emotionally denied (though verbally admitted). My father abused me and my family in ways not many can relate to and no not sexual...I've spoken at length with others who've been through torment at the hands of family and they all, to my dismay, act shocked and say mine was worse. I have spent most of my life trying to straighten out my mind.
I think you're best bet would be to start, slowly, to unravel your past.
NotUrAverage
Consumer 0
Consumer 0
 
Posts: 2
Joined: Sun Sep 28, 2014 4:56 am
Local time: Sun Aug 25, 2019 11:36 pm
Blog: View Blog (0)

Re: IED, fantasising and intrusive thoughts

Postby yAK » Fri Feb 06, 2015 8:47 am

Yeah, you have to figure out what the cat represents to you. Your neediness and vulnerabilty right? Your emotional dependence towards others. You want to abuse yourself in such a sick way, and you are projecting your inner child onto the cat, and you despise the cat because of this. But only when you have some kind of panic attack, I guess?. Find out what the triggers in the day are. Unless the cat is JUST the trigger. Tell your wife to stop with the small innocent animals. She will understand a simple dislike or phobia, everyone has at least one, and it's also normal to hide weird things about yourself, even in a longterm relationship, so she really should understand, and you don't want to lose control again do you? It's selfish to not come up with an excuse because cats have souls too. Maybe if you could understand the 'meow' it'd be something more interesting than pet me. Humans say a lot of interesting things so that they'll be pet and coddled and loved...
yAK
Consumer 0
Consumer 0
 
Posts: 18
Joined: Fri Feb 06, 2015 8:16 am
Local time: Sun Aug 25, 2019 10:36 pm
Blog: View Blog (0)

Re: IED, fantasising and intrusive thoughts

Postby BiB » Sun Feb 08, 2015 5:25 pm

Please, stop to take cats or go out with women that love cats.
And give away this because if something happen to him you should go in prison altough you wasnt so alert.
You understand you dont know all of you.

Moreover, pay attention, you cant ignore that, the Science say people that hurt animal will be violent against persons and in particular children.

Warning! you cant have children!!

You bit him because is little and helpless.

Before I finished your text I wanted to ask you about your childhood. I think you have your answer.
You need to travel a long path with a good specialist. I dont think in drugs but a lot of psychotherapy.
Undeveloped thoughts and emotions in the heart/mind.
-------

Sorry for my English, Im not a native.
BiB
Consumer 6
Consumer 6
 
Posts: 399
Joined: Sun Feb 01, 2015 2:59 pm
Local time: Mon Aug 26, 2019 5:36 am
Blog: View Blog (0)

Re: IED, fantasising and intrusive thoughts

Postby BiB » Sun Feb 08, 2015 5:44 pm

northwestchica wrote:
For a long time kitten videos and pictures of babies would illicit lower levels of disgust/rage. I find I want to punch other people's infants in the face or hit them. I have since dealt with my childhood trauma and subsequent rage but occasionally the feeling returns. I've learned that it is ok to be mad at annoying cats and babies but I don't need to be afraid of them.


Sorry?

For the rest, all very interesting answers, you are better than psychologists.
I add that sometime to overcome the moment or the fear you need to feel to be the aggressor and not the victim.
In psychology is knew the concept of identification of the victim, especially children.

In closing, overcoming that is essential to accept really all own emotions and aspect of personality.
If not you never will be ok with yourself.

Im really interested in the abusive women theme. I would disclose this reality. Make a site or blog and do things, I would ask in this site but I didnt find a lot here until now.
-------

Sorry for my English, Im not a native.
BiB
Consumer 6
Consumer 6
 
Posts: 399
Joined: Sun Feb 01, 2015 2:59 pm
Local time: Mon Aug 26, 2019 5:36 am
Blog: View Blog (0)

Re: IED, fantasising and intrusive thoughts

Postby Bi-Polar Bear » Sat Feb 28, 2015 5:25 am

I have experienced similar things with my dogs and identify with the experiences on this thread quite strongly...I too was punished, resented, and indeed mocked by my parents for being vulnerable and wanting affection and comfort as a child and also not being "good enough" which all carried on through my teens until I moved out (they're still the same but I don't see them so much). Having read this, I've realised that I'm redirecting self-resentment based on my parents' "values" to those around me. Whilst I haven't been physically aggressive to my husband I get so unreasonably angry with him for all of those sorts of things, all the things my parents punished me for, basically, and can't stop myself using words to tear him apart, and I have physically hurt our dogs a couple of times, and felt that horrible enjoyment momentarily until I end up sobbing and wailing apologies to them over and over again, wanting to die to protect everyone and everything from myself. I am a huge dog lover and normally a very, very gentle, caring and warm person and spoil our dogs rotten. They all seem to favour me over my husband despite what I've done...and he is such a calm, cheerful person...

80-90% of the time our dogs make me happy or just irritate me a "healthy" amount whilst I am still in control and definitely not wanting to hurt them despite being annoyed, but those rare moments where I don't seem to have my faculties available to me and act on instinct...it's horrifying. I've always wanted children and I've always had animals in my life and loved them, and my husband is just brilliant yet I know I can hurt him emotionally so much, and I am so hoping this issue can be stopped somehow with therapy because I don't want to lose those I love. I'd like to believe it's possible and that we can all get past this. If it's not our "usual" feeling about cats, dogs, children etc then surely it can be overcome?
Yikes.

Dx Bipolar I, Borderline Personality Disorder, generalised anxiety.
Pregnant, due Feb 2017
Quetiapine 100mg (pre-pregnancy: Lithium 800mg, Abilify, Pregabalin 200mg)
Bi-Polar Bear
Consumer 6
Consumer 6
 
Posts: 220
Joined: Sun Nov 24, 2013 3:11 pm
Local time: Mon Aug 26, 2019 4:36 am
Blog: View Blog (0)

Re: IED, fantasising and intrusive thoughts

Postby Forum333 » Sun Jul 21, 2019 4:10 am

I remember when I was growing up, as a kid, my parents would have animals. They had horses, dogs, cats, and, fish. I remember that I was given horseback riding lessons. The trainer said I should carry a whip in case the horse acted up. Also, I had to wear spurs to keep it going faster-as necessary.
I felt kind of helpless. Well, one day the horse acted up very bad. She got spooked from some loud noises and started kicking, running away, and freaking out. I took her home, and tried to replay what happened.
I hit her with the whip about 10 times..I started to cry. She had a welt on her from the whip. Besides, it didn't help when she was around loud noises. Nothing helped. She got the short end of my stick. I was never able to forgive myself.
On the other hand, I was paddled by school and family when I was growing up. My impulses were to talk when not spoken to. I did learn my lesson. Now, I hardly ever talk. Sometimes my talk and thoughts are fantasy and intrusive thoughts. Sometimes they are angry outbursts and stupid laughter. I am working on that with a therapist. Thanks.
User avatar
Forum333
Consumer 0
Consumer 0
 
Posts: 14
Joined: Fri Feb 08, 2019 10:57 pm
Local time: Sun Aug 25, 2019 11:36 pm
Blog: View Blog (0)


Return to Intermittent Explosive Disorder Forum




  • Related articles
    Replies
    Views
    Last post

Who is online

Users browsing this forum: No registered users and 3 guests