Lost in transition

Sooo... I've recently taken a couple steps back to my old problems, including trouble falling asleep.

I've tried a lot of things to help me sleep. I have three problems: I don't deal well with transitions, I'm anxious about the content of my dreams and I have trouble shutting off my brain.

Transitions:
If I'm playing a specific Xbox game, I'm out within 20 minutes. (This has become rather inconvenient during the day.) The reason is that it gives me a feeling of dissociation. I'm in a nice, safe world. Then I have to get off the couch, which usually wakes me up and reactivates my brain.

Dream content:
I used to dream without images. I dreamed feelings of guilt, shame and fear. It's so frustrating! I JUST got relaxed and disciplined enough to be able to dream about cool stuff like Monty Python. With my recent regression, I am afraid that I'll start dreaming those things again. I've already woken up screaming, several times in one night.

During the day, I'm so intent on managing my moods that I'm terrified to let my brain off the leash so I can sleep.

Also, sometimes when I'm very angry at my fiance, I miss some of my old relationships. I realize that I wouldn't cheat or break things off with my fiance, and honestly I don't want to be with them anymore--and I don't want my brain going that way while I sleep! I don't want to talk in my sleep and call my fiance by the wrong name or something. I've discussed it with him, and stated the possibility. My fiance said that you can't blame someone for what their brain does while they're asleep, so he does not seem to be bothered. So why can't I just relax about it?

Shutting down:
Before I moved back in with my fiance, I had a routine set up. I would go to bed, grab the 1" thick manual for my favorite game, browse it while in bed and fall asleep thinking about that "safe world." However, I no longer play the game, as it proved to be addictive. My one-year anniversary of not touching it is coming up. I don't want to reinforce that addiction by torturing myself with a manual.

I can't think of anything else that I can read or do in bed that would shut off my brain.

- word searches have bad memories for me (don't ask....), and I don't really enjoy other puzzles because they wind up my brain, and are sometimes frustrating
- both fiction and non-fiction inspire me to think instead of sleep, including Zen haikus and stories
- reading in general causes an "obligation" rather than "enjoyment" response
- don't even mention the Bible...I'll be up all night
- the f-----g sheep won't go one by one! They always have to jump in flocks and I can't keep track. Then I get pissed off at the sheep.
- I find math entertaining rather than relaxing
- sex would be awesome, but my fiance doesn't have the same appetite as I do
- I can't do it by myself when he's right there (and the key is, I have to do things IN BED because of the transition issue)
- imagining a place I would like to be is hard to do without somehow dragging social interactions into the mix...and social interactions are NOT a source of comfort for me
- The "small snack" approach doesn't work for me. I'm usually starving around the clock, and the slice of bread makes me want to eat a full meal. Plus, it's outside of bed.
- bad associations with a white noise machine. I think that music might help, or a rainstorm with a music overlay--but I don't know if it will bother my fiance.


I recently quit a physically demanding job. It used to make me pass out from sheer exhaustion. But I can no longer keep up with that level of exercise. I don't drink caffeine. Occasionally, I'll have alcohol in the evenings. The bed is comfortable. My fiance likes it cold, but I wear a hat to bed to compensate.


What else can I do to help myself sleep again??? This is the time that I usually go to bed, but I'm getting anxious at the mere thought of having to give up control of my thoughts for the night. I'm even avoiding the Xbox and sleeping on the couch because I just don't want to let go.

Thanks in advance!!

Hi,

If I said that you are being far too rigid/strict in your thinking, what would you say? It just sounds as if you have elevated (or lowered) your life's tasks to a routine fashion that is proving rather destructive. You indicate that you actually have changed your habits over the last while, but what have you changed them to? It sounds like you're still hanging onto many things in your mind that are just weighing you down. Try to go through one day 'slobbing it out' on the couch, and see how you feel. The break from stress and everything else will - I'm sure - give you a good night's sleep.

Kevin

I think that you're on to something. I've spent tonight clearing half of my schedule, and I'm about to clear the other half of it, including "teh internetz", for most of next week.

I've laundered the couch covers and blankets, I'm putting fresh sheets on my bed tonight, and tomorrow I will sit in front of the Xbox and just chill.

It almost feels like I'm preparing for a vacation, lol.

lol...I'm glad that you're going to try this. Please let me know how it all goes.

Kevin

OK, this was awesome.

Tried a couple times to hang out on the couch, stress-free. Succeeded Wednesday.

Went to bed while it was still dark. Didn't feel a lot of anxiety.

As soon as my mind started its usual crap, I started counting sheep. Sure enough, they started slowly, (1...2...3...) and then pulled their usual stunt, pouring over the imaginary fence like water through a broken dam.

Except this time, per my fiance's suggestion, I had an automatic assault rifle.

8...9...10...zzzzzzzz...............



I think it has to do with stepping back, resting, and then metaphorically gaining control over my stream of (sub)consciousness. No nightmares, either.

Thanks, Kevin!

Just an update: "The Silence of the Lambs" approach seems to be working. Last night I went to bed (and to sleep!) shortly before midnight, and I was up today shortly before 8 am. I can't remember the last time this happened voluntarily and without beating the $#%^ out of the snooze button.

I think I'm ready to re-introduce some low-stress activities, such as going to the store alone or raking the leaves out back.