wrote something about my insomnia

I usually write poetry or short stories, but this was really just stream of consciousness writing, more like a journal entry. So it's not really "beautiful" or well-written, but it's about my experience and I thought maybe other people who suffer from insomnia (and possibly other things, as I do) might appreciate or be able to relate. Let me know your experiences so I feel less alone!

4am is usually when it is the worst

I have run out of things to do, I’m tired of writing, I’m frustrated with my puzzle. The puzzle I’m working on is a picture of a field of flowers, and all the pieces look the same.

It is usually 8am before I fall asleep, and then I only sleep for an hour or two. A few nights ago I took a dosage of Valerian Root, three shots of whiskey, some wine, and two NyQuil capsules. I fell asleep at 9am and slept for seven hours. This seems unhealthy though, so that was the only time I did it.

The nighttime is lonely. I go outside and look at the stars and wonder who else is awake. I see the cars on the street in front of my complex, I wonder where they are going and where they are driving from. Nobody I know is awake at this hour and that scares me. I feel so far away from everything and like everything matters.

My thoughts wander and that terrifies me.

I reread the texts from a boy I like. I wonder why he stopped texting me. I reread everything I sent and wonder if something I said changed his mind about liking me. I think about the last time I saw him, and if maybe he thought about it too and just remembered something I did or said and realized that he doesn’t actually like me. I think about how we made out on his car, and how afterward he told me that he’s seeing somebody.

I think about the last time I considered killing myself and how it wasn’t very long ago. I realize that I am kind of always thinking about dying, and the distinction between living and dying.

I think about my childhood and how it still haunts me. I think about the trauma.

I sometimes cry when I can’t fall asleep. It begins to hurt. This hour, when there is nothing to do, makes me think about what I’m doing to progress my life; I feel like I’m not doing enough.

I think about how I should read but it’s hard for me to read sometimes because my mind escapes to somewhere else, and I don’t even see the words on the page anymore.

Sometimes I hear voices, and I know they’re real because they are a product of my mind, and my mind is the only verifiable reality.

I rarely get my mind to quiet from the thoughts constantly moving around, and the few times that it does settle down, here the voices come. There is never silence. I busy myself to avoid being confronted by the voices.

I think about how I don’t drink coffee because I know insomniacs should avoid caffeine, but how maybe it’s pointless because I don’t sleep anyway, even without caffeine.

I think about my mom and how she is probably awake, too. I think about how I don’t want to worry her with my sleep issues so I don’t tell her everything.

I listen to mewithoutYou and it makes me mind and body feel good.

I text my mom and ask her if she’s awake.

queenbell wrote:4am is usually when it is the worst

I have run out of things to do, I’m tired of writing, I’m frustrated with my puzzle. The puzzle I’m working on is a picture of a field of flowers, and all the pieces look the same.

Yes, it's the same way for me. 4-5 am is the worst time for me. I'm usually sitting wondering why i cant sleep.

queenbell wrote:The nighttime is lonely. I go outside and look at the stars and wonder who else is awake.

Me I'm basically always awake.

queenbell wrote: I see the cars on the street in front of my complex, I wonder where they are going and where they are driving from.

I do that too. I even make up stories in my head of what they are doing, who they are etc.

queenbell wrote: Nobody I know is awake at this hour and that scares me. I feel so far away from everything and like everything matters.

For me I kinda like that part, it's almost like I have everything just to myself, for a little while.

Hi there. Your writing just about brought me to tears. It rings so true with me. I can't even convey the comfort your post has brought me, knowing that I am not alone in my thinking anymore. You have managed to put the feelings, fears, and thoughts I have into words, and so I thank you for that. Please keep writing.