Insomnia is making me consider suicide - please any advice?

Hi all

I am 24 years old and have had sleeping difficulties ever since secondary school where I was badly bullied and would not want to go to sleep in the night for fear of going to school the next day. To make matters worse I used to get up early in the morning to do a paper round so as you can imagine I was not sleeping a great deal however I did not have the self-awareness of knowledge at the time to realise how bad the situation was..

When I left school I went to college where I was not bullied and slept better although still struggled with sleep onset due to rumination.

Then at university I developed anorexia and I also had bulimia so I often struggled with sleep due to being too hungry to go to sleep and waking up in the night from hunger and/or binging which also stopped me from being able to get to sleep and/or woke me up early.

Since university I put weight on and developed body dysmorphic disorder. I also had one very nasty and quite traumatic relationship that spun my anxiety into overdrive and I sometimes had as little as 1 hour sleep per night.

Now I still have considerable anxiety and body dysmorphia (a lot, I believe, due to my insomnia causing me to feel even more rubbish about the way I look) but I feel the most unbearable symptom is my insomnia. And I really need help because I do not feel that I can go on living my life this way any longer. It is impossible for me to have relationships, difficult to have friendships and socialise, I canm't work, can barely do my Masters, and I am seriously contemplating suicide although I aspire to be a Dr and have children one day.

Please can anybody give me any advice or hope. I realise my history is quite alarming and disconcerting but I have to know that there is a possibility of me getting better otherwise I just cannot fathom going on in life like this.

Also will my dark undereyes ever go away once my insomnia is sorted or are they here to stay?

I guess I should also mention I was put on mirtazapine for 1 year by a private sleep Dr however this wore off and I have been put back on it again after a 3 month break but it is not having the same effect as before.

Kind Regards,

Pierre

Big hug -- this is a lot to carry on your plate.

Have you had therapy? It sounds like your insomnia is related to the bullying you have gone through -- perhaps PTSD-related sort of therapy would help (I have no clue what the proper name for that would be) and I'd be inclined to think your other problems may also spring from the same root cause. Which would hopefully mean that once you go through therapy and resolve your bad memories you would get rid of insomnia, bulimia and body dysmorphia -- I base this on my personal experience, not on medical knowledge I don't have.

There are sleep clinics and sleep specialists -- have you gone to one of those? I see you had a private sleep doctor -- did he just prescribe mirtazapine and do nothing else? Did you try sleep hygiene techniques?

Hey dude,

Don't pull the plug yet. Besides, suicide is a permanent solution to a temporary problem.Just like you, I had insomnia, but at an earlier age, that started at 16. I still have the ocassional insomnia at 27, but I discovered the solution for me. I feel it is different from yours though, it seems to me like you need to work on those high school issues first, just like the poster above has specified.
I understand that draining feeling that comes from having little sleep, and feeling like a zombie for the rest of the day. The truth is, there are people who have had it worse than you and they are still alive. Think about this, the other day I wrote to a girl that was physically and sexually abused for over 10 years, and now she is here telling her story, and how she is fighting it.
How would it feel to you if you could fight this challenge? What if you had that ability to turn your life around? How would you feel then? I urge you to work on your inner game,at least give it a shot, see if you can overcome the anxiety of being bullied, and I guarantee you that you will live what was once merely a dream.

Suicide is permanent, once done u cant even regret it.

Dont ever even think about it as an option as if you have an easy way out option u will not be able to try some difficult solutions.

I have been through this, I tried some help and it really worked and the main thing I learned from help was suicide is permanent, simply permanent, no looking back, so, do what ever u can before even thinking about it.

The way it worked on me was I sat in the middle of the sea with 60 sleeping pills (40- 50 are thought to be fatal) a bottle of whisky to quickly pass out and jump in the sea. Thank God I didnt do it, it would have been my biggest mistake ever.

YOU KNOW WHAT MY REASON WAS FOR SUICIDE? NOT BEING ABLE TO SLEEP (because of the trauma my Ex N gave me)

Everything has changed now, I work fine sleep fine with the help of sleep supplements, meditation, motivational video etc life is very good now.

Just try harder but relax just before u go to sleep and obviously try different supplements, exercises, meditation and motivational videos, low light before going to sleep, following a particular schedule and sticking to it etc.

Good luck!

Hi everybody and thank you all for your replies - very reassuring and comforting.

Yes, the sleep Dr did only offer me mirtazapine and I agree that some therapy (perhaps trauma related) would be beneficial. Although I have had 'therapy' before I do not feel it has been the right kind, addressed the true underlying issues (only symptoms and not causes) and I have not been ready for 'true' therapy until now.

I suppose suicide is the way of me trying to grasp whatever control I do have left over my life. No it is not idea but I can't imagine going on in life like this forever.

However your comments about others going through much worse is valid and gives me hope. Also it is evident that you have managed to come out the other end.

I am trying to get a referral to a specialist sleep clinic to little avail from my Drs (apparently my health centre does not do not make referrals outside their area) but I am persistent (I am just losing it a bit atm).

Thanks again for your words,

Pierre

If they dont give you a referral let them know that you would either sue them for your future problems or they would be responsible in case u commit suicide. It works, my friend did it. Just be careful that they dont think that u have gone crazy, tell them in ur what ever clear mind u have without proper sleep.

Good to hear u on a positive side.

Jatin wrote:If they dont give you a referral let them know that you would either sue them for your future problems or they would be responsible in case u commit suicide. It works, my friend did it. Just be careful that they dont think that u have gone crazy, tell them in ur what ever clear mind u have without proper sleep.

Good to hear u on a positive side.

Thanks I will see what I can do!

My doctor is a firm believer that I need to do whatever it takes to sleep. Sleep deprevation can literally put one in to a psychotic like state. Being a life long extreme insomniac I can relate to your struggles and thoughts of suicide. When I am in a horrible episode I think so irrationally and such incredible things and when I finally get that nights sleep again they go away. So give yourself time to (eventually) get a nights sleep and remind yourself how quickly those frightening thoughts can disappear when you are able to think straight.
Insomnia is not always curable but it is treatable. You mentioned you have been on one drug. I have tried pretty much everything imaginable and have settled on a combo that works best for me. This was years of trial and error. I am sure there will be tweaks in the future. Do not feel guilty about taking sleeping pills. Chronic insomnia is different than occasional insomnia or temporary insomnia as a symptom of another condition. Often it is simply because our brains are wired differently and cannot shut off like others do. It is no more shameful to require ongoing medication to treat chronic insomnia than it is to treat any other mental illness.
I would also suggest seeing a sleep specialist if possible and doing a sleep study if you have not yet. This can give some more insight as to what is going on when you are trying to sleep to work on a treatment plan. Another poster suggested CBT. There are excellent CBT programs available for a Insomnia.I completed one with limited success but the little I got out of it was worth it. I may always require medication to sleep but gained valuable knowledge in regards to sleep hygiene and relaxation techniques among other things.
So please don't give up, there is so much help out there and it seems you've only cracked the surface. I wish you all the best.

insomnia/topic131775.html

I started a thread for simple info. Let me know what u think about it.

greenery wrote:My doctor is a firm believer that I need to do whatever it takes to sleep. Sleep deprevation can literally put one in to a psychotic like state. Being a life long extreme insomniac I can relate to your struggles and thoughts of suicide. When I am in a horrible episode I think so irrationally and such incredible things and when I finally get that nights sleep again they go away. So give yourself time to (eventually) get a nights sleep and remind yourself how quickly those frightening thoughts can disappear when you are able to think straight.
Insomnia is not always curable but it is treatable. You mentioned you have been on one drug. I have tried pretty much everything imaginable and have settled on a combo that works best for me. This was years of trial and error. I am sure there will be tweaks in the future. Do not feel guilty about taking sleeping pills. Chronic insomnia is different than occasional insomnia or temporary insomnia as a symptom of another condition. Often it is simply because our brains are wired differently and cannot shut off like others do. It is no more shameful to require ongoing medication to treat chronic insomnia than it is to treat any other mental illness.
I would also suggest seeing a sleep specialist if possible and doing a sleep study if you have not yet. This can give some more insight as to what is going on when you are trying to sleep to work on a treatment plan. Another poster suggested CBT. There are excellent CBT programs available for a Insomnia.I completed one with limited success but the little I got out of it was worth it. I may always require medication to sleep but gained valuable knowledge in regards to sleep hygiene and relaxation techniques among other things.
So please don't give up, there is so much help out there and it seems you've only cracked the surface. I wish you all the best.

Hi greenery,

Thanks very much for this message - it gives me hope I do really want to do a sleep study..

I will be going to see my GP on Thursday and I am going to talk to her about this very seriously (again!).

Pierre