Now what?

Hi,

How are you all? This is my first post, I've never been here before. I'm kind of at a point in my life where I've noticed that I need to abandon some old coping skills, but I'm not really sure how to go about it. I've psyche tested as normal, which proves to me that the system is insane. Don't take any meds or none of that.

I had a series of adverse life events occur to me which resulted in me being traumatized. I had a severe and stigmatized health problem for which I was given medications first before surgery which basically left me mentally ill for so many years, as in unable to hold a job and eventually homeless. The drugs for treatment were toxic. While on those drugs I entered into an abusive relationship with a psychotic sociopath who was very abusive, and had children. It was messy. I had a lot of blackouts and chunks that are gone when it got bad. The nightmares and grinding teeth in sleep went away, did the therapy etc.

So eventually it all worked itself out, I got a divorce, got the kids settled and prospering, got surgery and got off the meds, am finishing up my education now, nice stable place to live, and so on through each point of the five year plan, you know. Now more like a ten year plan. Still getting things done.

I've noticed that there are two things I'm doing which I want to stop. One, I've been drinking more than I want to. And two, I practice emotional isolation, and social isolation. I don't have a single friend. Well, not anyone I'd call on the phone and talk to like this here.

I haven't dated in 4 years. I'm raising two kids so I'm never alone you know. I can talk to people no problem, it's not like that, I actually enjoy chatting people up and have many acquaintances. But when women approach me to be friends I always sort of, well, brush them off. And I don't date. I do talk to my mother, but I disclose to nobody. I rely on myself. I had to learn to do that to get away from the bad relationship, to learn to be cold like ice.

Basically, except for my kids and my mother I've noticed I avoid all intimacy with others. Instead in the evenings on weekends I drink. I don't leave my emotions sitting out vulnerable for attack. I couldn't do that again. There is no appeal to me, in opening up to someone else and being open to be attacked. How do you get yourself to want to be open to others? I remember being different before. I remember wanting to share and get close to others. Now it feels like wanting to stick my finger on a hot stove. I'm tired of drinking to go numb. Thank you for all responses. How do you get yourself to want to be around other people?

I have no health insurance right now, and no free time, car, or money to go off to a therapist. I read the bible and I read the buddha, practice mindfulness, self-monitor, try to be an ass less than 50% of the time, seek forgiveness for the guilt that hits sometimes, oh well oh well.

Here_we_are, I wished I had seen your post sooner as I think you need a quick response. I am going to be blunt and to the point. I don't mean to seem harsh, but:
You know full good and well what the problem is. You said it 3 times in your message:

"I've noticed that there are two things I'm doing which I want to stop. One, I've been drinking more than I want to.

"....I've noticed I avoid all intimacy with others. Instead in the evenings on weekends I drink".

"I'm tired of drinking to go numb."

Don't play dumb! Maybe you just need someone else to say the word first:

YOU ARE AN ALCOHOLIC! I have 25 years experience in that field, I know of what I speak.
Here's the things that convince me that you're on alcoholic:

1. You are "ritualistically" drinking, as you plan ahead for it, you have a set time and pattern.
2. "...to go numb." means you're "self-medicating".
3. (this is most telling of all) You drink alone.
4. It's a compulsion, you are drinking more than you want.

You are a classic case. You are not alone. There are tens of millions of us who once were the same way. However, you know all those wonderful things you said you have in your life? (a stable home, a loving family, you're spirituality, your relationship with a higher power) You will lose all of it! Alcoholism is a progressive illness. If you don't get it in remission it will get worse and worse and worse, eventually you will have nothing left for it to take except your life. And I know you don't want that.

Get your butt to AA. You have the internet, so look it up. And especially, with your history of mental illness, you need to get to a Mental Health Professional. I don't want to hear you whine about no time and no money. You have the money to buy booze and the time to drink it, don't you?? I haven't heard, I have USED every excuse and lie in the book. Take this advice: don't try make excuses or lie to a recovering alcoholic, for you will only make a fool of yourself. Honesty is the only thing we will accept.

I have 3 mental health disorders, one of which drives me away form people and society. For 25 years vodka was my constant, faithful companion; a substitute for love, friendship, fellowship and a cure for the agonizing pain of loneliness. It did nothing to increase my self esteem, but in drowned out the fact that I didn't have any. Vodka was the love of my life. It solved all my problems. And it tried to kill me!! I wound up homeless, sleeping on the loading dock of the old Wal-Mart. I now have my act together and am also working a ten year plan. For the first time in my life (47 rears) I am content. Happiness comes and goes but contentment is constant. Money problems are gone. Sometimes it is only $5 in my wallet but I am never broke. I no longer have to go into McDonald's and steal toilet paper because I'm too broke to buy any! I am no longer alone. I am no longer afraid, in fact I am quite courageous. I will no longer be taken advantage of nor taken for granted.

You have an advantage that I did not: stability in your life. Use it!

You have said that you want to stop drinking. Good. Now do something about it.

Here's some advice from someone who's "been there, done that".

When,(not if), you call AA ask for a "12 stepper" to meet you at your first meeting. Talk to them on the phone ahead of time. It will make your first meeting less intimidating.

Practice gratitude on a daily basis. Every day I want you to find five things that you are thankful for. If you spend your time looking for something bad you're going to have a bad day, but, if you spend your time looking for something good you will be amazed how fantastic you day will go!

You have to take inventory of your situation and note the major problems in your life and get help for them all. If you don't they will drag you back down. It wasn't until I got psychotherapy, addiction counseling, psychiatric and medical care simultaneously that, after a dozen attempts, I finally succeeded. Note, I did not try to SOLVE them all at once, I just worked on them together. And I was homeless, unemployed and broke but I went to the local mental health center and asked for help in all those areas. I did't have to pay a dime!

Do NOT try to start a romantic relationship right now. It will not go well and will put all your accomplishments at risk. And besides, do you really want to be with a person, who's attracted to another person, whose weekend hobby is getting drunk?

Remember your past trials and tribulations. It sounds like you had a very serious medical condition at one point that you managed to overcome. Draw upon that strength.

Go meetings, go meetings, go to meetings. And if you slip/relapse remember it is not part or recovery, it is part of the illness. Go to a meeting and tell what happened. AAers that have never sipped are very rare (and the ones who really brag about it, I don't believe).

And one more thing, you said you didn't have anyone to talk to on the phone? Boy, is that ever going to change!!

If there's only one thing you heed out of my reply, please make it "go to AA".

Good luck to you,
jaichbin