Suicidal thoughts due to life's failure. Is there a way out?

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*** Please place this thread in the appropriate section and also bear with me through the issue as I'm not a good writer , this post is quite long band i think my situation is very complex. ***
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I'll start off with the event that happened last night and continue

About 10pm I've drank Pomegranate juice mixed with 4 grams if psilocybin mushrooms (my situation has nothing to do with this, and I don't have a drug problem. I do them rarely).

While on a train to the city a girl sat across from me. She seemed shy and sort of sad and her eyes were red. She smiled at me but being shy they way I usually am I put my head down and tried to avoid eye contact. During the ride I grew in the impression that she saw right through me. She knew that I'm a fake (which in most part I am) and that everything that comes out of me is not 'real' me – insincere which is true. This is the problem on which I'll expand on shortly.

I walked around the city for a little bit but I was extremely paranoid of the very thought that I'm a poser with no depth. (I don't get paranoid like this ever, but the mushroom trip made it apparent). I rushed back home on a terrible trip back. I've lied down on my bed and started to think about my life. My problems and the solutions to them. How can I improve my life?

And here's a story of my life:

I come from an abusive family. My father's an alcoholic though he's always been working and providing well for the family. He's been beating me, my sisters and my brother. He quarreled with my mother often and I've seen her cry a lot the images and accompanied emotions which I distinctly remember to this day. My brother is in a mental institution now due to countless problems. The biggest probably being schizophrenia.

My parents separated when I was 12 and I've moved away with my father to United States.
I've always blamed my mother for letting me go with my father when I wanted to stay with her. In the meantime my parents got divorced and the custody over me was handed to my father. I haven't seen nor talked with my mother since then. I'm 21 now so 9 years of no contact.

Growing up in a new place, I've tried to find myself around in new surrounding by forcing myself to fit in into various groups. By becoming like kids around me I've lost a sense of individuality. I think in Junior high school, I've already started seeing onset of upcoming problems.

In high school I've became aloof and sort of repugnant. I started to develop a lying disorder and social anxiety. My father kept being abusive physically and verbally and I've gotten into frequent fights with him which hunt me until this day.

I was a good student in high school. I've participated in countless competitions. I scored high on exams but rarely did homework. I once overheard my math teachers talking to each other about me. One of them said that I'll either find cure for cancer or become a bum and there's no other option. I've been known for intelligence and analytic skills in high school, which are all but gone now since I stopped learning a long time ago.

I didn't have any friends in high school. I didn't go to prom or graduation. People thought i'm weird. I also did not have any female relationships though I could count a few attempts which I pushed away.
Before I moved I had plenty of friends, girlfriends and felt liked. Those years were the last times I felt real and at home about myself.

Another teacher blamed me for my inability to finish anything i've started and carry it all the way to the end. Over the years i've tried to study and learn practical skills in programming/graphic design etc but i've never learned it in detail to be able to get a job in any related field. I took on a lousy job as a landscaper where it's just me and my boss working though my dream when I was younger was to become a scientist. In the meantime i've dropped out of college due to poor performance and inability to function between people.

My boss holds an image about me that I created and fed it to him. He doesn't know almost anything about me. Not who I really am. I've made few friends since i've graduated high school but none of them know me for what I really am. I've lied to every single one of them about my education, background, family, job, etc.

So here I am with no purpose in life. Totally displaced from this world. I lost a sense of personality and self-identity. There is no real me although I would like to be myself. I've been telling lies for so long until I started living them. I became the lies but they're so shallow that my character lacks any prospective depth. Nobody finds me interesting.

I've been thinking about the solution for a long time now. I don't want to live like this but I don't think there is a solution. I feel like i've simply lost the game of life.

Even if I stop lying now, which would require me to confess all of it to my friends irregardless of anything, my conscience will still be hunted by painful memories of the past: The fights with my father, emptiness of my teenage years, loneliness and aloofness and helplessness of my sick brother. I don't think there is an escape.

When I was tripping mushrooms yesterday, I was think about all this. They allowed me to think in clear terms about my issues. I've thought about myself and my silent cry for help and then I wept for hours imagining myself in arms of my mother thinking she's the only one who loves me and who could understand me. Also the years with her and where I lived before were the only years i've been at peace, sincere and happy. I yearned for those years.

It suddenly dawned on me then that even my mom wouldn't understand! She has no idea what i've become. At that moment I had a tremendous impulse to kill myself but then I thought about all the pain i'd probably cause to my father and her if she ever found out. It's been 9 years since i've seen and talked with my mother but my grandmother always tells me she's dieing to speak to me.

I cried more and more and then I started seeing vivid images of every person i've seen hurt. Eyes of my father after he tried to commit suicide himself unable to escape alcohol addiction. The weary, unhappy faces of people on the streets. Faces of women crying and tear of my mother. Then to all those visuals I started hearing hardstyle/techno music and i've seen people dance to the tune of the tune of the music while the whole scene became intermingled with sounds of shooting rifles and artillery.
I've seen a face of Adolf Hitler and Joseph Stalin. I saw images of war, blood and shouting and I saw people lose their minds dancing to techno music.

Then I hear whispers of passages from the book of ecclesiastes, and Alan Turing comitting suicide and it seemed to me as if entire humanity utters a silent cry for help. A cry for the answers but there isn't any and yet people just go on living.

Right there i've been struck with a tremendous urge to suicide with no point for further living. I was ready to do it but I didn't. I thought about all the side projects i've been working on for a while and the electronics those friends gave me to fix it for them and I just didn't want to hurt them. A sense of social responsibility.

Here I am the next day. I'm not sure what I'd like to get helped on in particular. But please do help me. Psychiatric analysis of my problems, articles, ways to get my life back on track. Life or suicide? I'll appreciate all input. Thank you and thanks for those who actually did read the entire post which is quite time consuming and so dully written.

My dear friend, all is certainly not lost and there is no reason to feel that killing yourself is an option. There is still MUCH hope and MUCH to achieve in your life. You have suffered - yes, most certainly - but you don't have to suffer in the future. It is going to take a lot of work to get to where you want to be, but what else can you do? It doesnt have to be hard in the sense that you have to work 24/7 at improving things - no - it involves getting a little direction back into your life, changing things that need changing, and booting out anything that you really dont' need and/or dont have time for.

Mushrooms? - get rid of them. They won't eve solve anything for you, at least not in the long term. So, call it quits, and be proud that you've made the first positive move. Once you feel that you've accomplished that, do something else that's positive.

You are not a failure. The again, a 'purpose' won't just fall into your lap. you have to figure out what you want to do. You have friends and they will serve you well as you get through this. However, do'nt rely on them for everything. Growing up is about being independent too - i.e. existing/surviving on your own two feet, in more ways than one.

I'm here to tell you that there are many options for you to take, and that life CAN be great if you make necessary changes to your life. I could write paragraph after paragraph about this, but I've already written more than I would have liked.

Good luck
Kevin

The thing you said about being haunted by painful memories from the past, you could get some kind of counselling or therapy to help you come to terms with those memories. I would contact your mum. You want to contact her and your nan says your mum wants to contact you, so it makes sense to do it. You could use that new relationship as the start of finally "being you" i.e. tell the truth don,t lie to your mum. If there is a subject you don't want to tell the truth on or a question you don't want to answer truthfully, just say to her that you don't want to talk about it, if it comes up in conversation. If lying is a really big habit that you can't help it, then maybe start contact with your mum via letters, you can re-write as often as you like until there's no lies in it, before you post it. X