i dont know what to do

hi
im new on this site, and i want to tell you guys about myself. im 17 years old, a junior in high school. about two years ago i started experiencing intense auditory (and somtimes visual) hallucinations of a girl my age, asking me to hurt myself. she would say that i deserved it, that the only way to make myself better was to cut it out of myself, that if i didnt no one would ever know me or love me. it took me a month or so to realize that these were hallucinations, and not real. still, every time she comes, i cant seem to realize that shes real until hours after the hallucination ends. i try my hardest to resist what she says, but something about her is... commanding. its not that i feel threatened by her, but i just dont want to be less than what she asks me to be, or disappoint her, or see her sad. she only came when i was alone, and i felt so dependant on her, she was always there when i needed her most. even though she asked me to mutilate myself, part of me needed her, even loved her. i still do. after a year of self injury and hallucination, i decided that i needed help, and told me parents that i was having trouble sleeping and tat it was affecting my ability to preform in school, and after some convincing they sent me to a psychiatrist.i told my psychiatrist what was actually happening, and she *tentatively* diagnosed me with paranoid schizophrenia, along with bipolar disorde. we tried multiple anti psychotics and anti depressants, but i reacted very poorly to all of them (over a quarter my GPA my grades dropped from a 3.8 to 1.4. i was able to bring it up to a 3.4 by the end of semester after coming off medication, but it wasnt working). i managed to somehwat get it under control with therapy and support from my two closest friends, she only comes once every two weeks or so and most of the time im able to resist what she asks until the hallucination ends. sometimes ill feel less strong, and ill have month-long periods where i do what she asks almost every time she comes. despite these occasional breaks, i had finally gotten to a point where i could consider myself stable. i was able to focus on school and friends and family and sports to my fullest potential. i wouldnt say i was happy, but everything was looking up. about six weeks ago, my friends and i had a major falling out... neiter of them are willing to talk to me anymore. i dont blame them for it, but they had helped me so much... now, i feel like im falling apart. she comes more often than ever, and im hurting myself worse and worse every time. ive really messed up my hand (it might be broken), bruises all over my body, and six open cuts on my legs and chest.its becoming nearly impossible to hide it from my family, who i know would react hostilely to my condition. i need someon to talk to. i have a few close friends i thinnk i can trust, but idont know how i could possibly tell them, and i always feel so guilty forcing my problems on someone else... i dont know where to go. i know i cant live like this much longer. im hiding how bad its gotten from my psychiatrist because i know she would demand that i be institutionalized, but i have a future i cant give up... i have a 4.85 GPA, im 2nd on the high school varsity ski team, and i have so many people that i care for... id have to give all of that up if i went to an institution. i dont kjnow where to go. thank you so much for reading what i have to say.

Hey,

i sense your sensation of being lost just from your words. Let me tell you that there is a way out of this. I'm sure of it, and you must have the confidence that there is a way too. A positive is that you are aware that this girl is just 'inside your head'. This should be a good footing for you to go on to eventually manage what she says, and to learn to cope and live with her. It's a problem, we problems can be overcome and dealt with, right?

I suggest that you ask your psychiatrist about being institutionalised. For example, if you admit yourself, can you 'de'-admit yourself at any time. A bad situation would arise if you let this problem go on for too long, and then you are forced to be institutionalised by your psych. Then, you wouldn't know how long you'd be there. Also ask about how daily life is in the place. I spent some time in one, and I enjoyed it.

you should also search for info on your school's website to see if it's possible to take time off. Usually, students can take a year break. I had to do it.

Regarding those 'friends', my opinion is that you should just ignore them. i'm only referring to the ones that have let you down. Why should you bother trying? They have made the decision that they do not wish to try to understand you, so I simply wouldn't bother with them.

In life, gravitate towards those things/people that make you feel better, and get rid of (ruthlessly) anything or person that does the opposite.

Kevin

i cant giv up what i've worked so hard to get... i didnt know you could just "take a break" but even if i could i they wuldnt just hold my grades until i was released. there isnt any way that i could take any sort of extended break right now. not until the year lkets out.. but still i dont want to all of my friends would be gone by then, id be even more alone than before. i cant d that i realy cant.

as for my firends.. its nto their fault. theyre nto just giving up on me because of my problems. i did something really terrible, and i hate myself for it. they didnt let me down. i dont want to talk about what i did, its not relevant, but they were amazing friends, they helped me so much over the years. i'm not "bothering" with them anymore. they shouldnt have to deal with me any more than they already have.

There is always a chance that they can forgive whatever it was done. Perhaps, you can forgive yourself and see if you can reconnect in some way, but I understand if the situation is hard for you to remend. You most definitely need to dedicate your energies to defeating your hallucinations. What is most important to you? Suffering from this until something happens that cannot be taken back or seeking the help you need so that you have a tomorrow to look forward to?

I hope I do not sound harsh yet, I do not want you to think your life is just what is surrounding you at the time. You will never be alone if you do not wish to be. Why not ask if something could be worked out for you? It is worth a try. I really want you to beat this and find your way through this, dear. I will pray for your recovery. With love.

-Nanashi-

i can try... ill make an appointment tomorrow tosee if anything can be done, but i dont think theres any chance that they'd make that enormous of an exception. but i dont want to "defeat" these hallucinations. i just want to get them to a point where i can deal with them again. shes the only thing in y life thats keeping me up. i know im destroing myself, but im not trying to kill myself. if she were gone, i know i would. i cant live my life THAT alone. ive loved her for almost two years. shes in my life now. maybe, when i have a tomorrow in sight, when i have some things in my life that i can count on and build on and become happy with, i can start trying to get her out of my life for good. but i need her now. shes the only one who still cares.

Are you sure that you need her? I will not diagnose you or anything of the such but, perhaps if she stems from your mind, then you may never feel you can be without her. Your connection to her may become so much stronger in the future until you 'feel' you wish her to stay always before she reverts and brings you down. That could push you for the final time, and I do not want that to happen.
I am sure she brings you comfort in some way. That may be true, yet do you not think you are distancing yourself from the world and gravitating toward your illness? I should not say so much, it is best to check with your therapist first to see what can be done if anything. I hope anything I have said made since in some way, dear, I really do. We are not promised tomorrow so, today, put every effort into doing what is best for you. You are not alone as you may think. Friends and family, people you may not know can surprise you if you allow yourself the chance to share with them. With love.

-Nanashi-