Hope?

Hi, didn't know at which forum to open this topic... I kinda like the name of this one. So If i am wrong, sorry.

Don’t know why I am writing this. But I guess I just need to…
Anyway, I have problems. I know, everyone has a lot of problems without exception. But lately, mine have become something that I cannot handle by myself anymore. I just feel them pressuring me and I am too weak to move, or do anything about it. I don’t have any more strength or will to fight them.
This is a long story… #######5 one, too.

As a kid I was so happy. Always running somewhere, never without a smile. At that time I remember that I thought that bad things happen to other people. I really believed that it’s impossible anything bad to happen to me or my family. Needless to say that I was wrong.
When I was about 9 years old my father got sick. As each year for summer break I went to my grandparents. When I came back home my mom, sister and brother were waiting for me on the train station. They were all dressed black. I knew what happened. I knew the day it happened, I know it sounds silly but at some level I really knew it. And when I saw them I knew what that black color meant, it’s just that I didn’t want to accept that. When we came home, my mom told me that my father passed away.

So then It was three of us left. Brother and sister are 11 and 10 years older than me. Soon after that our life continued. I never dealt with that loss. I used to see him, wishing that he would come to pick me after school. That never happened. And I never accepted it, at my age it was impossible. How do you accept something that is impossible?
But then again I really didn’t had that much time to deal with it. Few months after we put the tombstone, war caught my country. Sirens during the day and sleeping in atomic shelters at night. A day spent in car trying to pass over the critical border without getting killed. Got to my grandparents and that was the place my sister and I stayed for next year and a half. I would use a word home, but then again after that day I never had one.
Mom and bro went back a few times and tried to get some stuff back. But how many times are needed to transfer our entire lives 600 miles away? The third time they came it was impossible to go back again. Our house was first robbed and then burned down to the ground. I was 11 years old.

I started school there. My sister had to travel to university for exams. My mom was living and working in another city. And my brother was working and living 400 miles away. Yes, my grandparents were my family, but not the family I wanted at that time. Sometimes months would pass until I would see my brother. And my mom only during weekends, when after working whole week for 10 and more hours she would come to me. And at weekends she was not able, I would just spend days crying. New surrounding didn’t help much. School…well it was school - I was not the popular new kid with accent for sure. After a while my sister and I moved to the capital town where mom was working. We lived there in 26 square meter rent apartment. Mom was working a lot, sis had to find a job and I started at new school again. And again, it was $#%^.

Then I started high school. Sis finished her studies. Mom found a new job and we were able to afford a bigger place. School was not great, but It was not bad as it was before. First year was tough, but after that I guess it was not that bad. Things were starting to be better. Well, that is if we ignore the fact that I had to make a deal with myself that I would rather kill myself then to be with a guy. Well yea at that age (around 14), hormones started to work and I discovered that I liked girls, but I liked boys too. But I was ignoring it. I living my life. I had maybe 3-4 kilograms more then I should, I was not overweight but still it was showing a bit. I started to work out, and at one point I really hoped that this is it. That everything is going better from now on. Well, if not better then at least I would have the strings of my life in my hands. And it was going better - for maybe a year. Had my first crush, girlfriend, had a great best friend, well you know – typical teenage things. But then again…not for long.
At last year of high school, when I was 18 years old we went to give blood for charity (or how’s that called on English). They measured my blood pressure and it was high a bit. Well, I had those 5kg more then I should but that is far from it to had high blood pressure. I had to go and to some tests. Everything was fine, I was healthy as a horse and a bit more. But at last test something showed up and I had to be hospitalized for next 3 weeks. They were doing some additional tests, and they were suspecting that something with kidneys was wrong. And I asked to prolong kidney biopsy for 2 months so I could finish my high school and get into some university. And it was done like that. I had no problems, no pain. I was feeling really normal. Finished high school, got into university, and had 3 months before classes would start. I went back to the testing, did the kidney biopsy and it was shown that I had some illness, which means a hell lot of drugs to be taken. And my next 3 months of something that was supposed to be the best and longest break from school I would ever had I spend in hospital where they would do tests on me, or home swallowing pills. It was not getting better. It would get better, and then it would get worse and all the time like that. I started going onto university, and each my day would contain a lot of swallowed pills. They are very dangerous drugs, whose side effects are written on 3 pages. Some nights it would be so bad that I would start throwing up from it and it would not stop until ambulance would come over to give me a shot.

I would be lying if I said that during the course of this 9 years a suicide has not crossed my mind. But it was not an option, because I was not able to bring that upon my family. Often I dreamt about a button which would erase my existence in full, like I was never here. But at those periods, when I would go so bad that I could not take it. The pain was overwhelming, it was hurting everywhere and all I wanted for it to stop. I would just crouch on the ground and repeat “please God, please God, please God”, and for hours like that. I wished so many times to kill myself. But I would just thinking that pain would go away and that that is a bad idea. The worst was then it got me on my trip to seaside, when If I was alone at any point then in the room I would have jumped off the 5th floor and ended it for good.

So what is the situation now. I have been ill for 4 years, I don’t have any more days when I would puke, everything would hurt and I would wish to die. There are times when I feel bad, but comparing to that, its nothing. I’m studying and its going OK. I’m depressed, unhappy and generally not a very fun or pleasant person to be with for long periods of time. Mainly because I can’t stand talking with anyone for more than 2 hours, I get tired, I get bored. Medications really did a number on me. Still have those 5kgs more, mainly in my stomach and tits(man boobs), which does not make me happy at all. I have accepted my homosexuality, even thou I never had a boyfriend. I am not sure even if I am capable for a relationship at this point.
I live with my mom. And that is something that hurts me the most. We don’t get along too well, I am mostly nervous, depressed or anything but happy. I can see that it’s hurting her, because she knows what I’ve been thru. She doesn’t know how I really feel and think about everything. If she knew how much everything had hurt me, I think it would break her. I can’t do that to her so I try to keep it to myself and try to hide if as best as I can.
Because she didn’t had the greatest time ever, she lost a husband, a home, left alone with three kids, had to work all the time and after all that one of her kids gets sick and she can’t do anything about it. I can only imagine how that feels, so I don’t want to make it any harder as it already is. She is depressed too. Doesn’t have many friends. Just works, comes home and crushes at the bed. I don’t want that life for her, it’s hurting me so much to see her like that.
I am so lost, and don’t know what to do.

Hi,

What is the illness that you have (in your liver)? I have a chronic illness in my colon and it means taking medication twice each day for the rest of my life. I don't allow this to bother me really, but it's a sobering thought that I'll always be on medication just to stay alive. If I stopped taking medication, my colon would deteriorate over the course of weeks or months to the point where it'd cease to function, and I could die due to complications of that.

What else... ...Oh yes, do you feel that you have 'nothing' in life right now? If that is what you're feeling, then you can turn this to your advantage and see your new challenge as having to rebuild your life. You could start by improving your relationship with your mother, by perhaps seeing her as a friend firstly. It could be a good springboard to other things. I have no friends in life, and I have come to rely on my parents as my friends (I do'nt live with them now though; I'm 26).

I'll leave it at that. There IS hope for you.

Kevin

hi Infinity8, i may not be the best person to try and guive you guidance (i cried for the world Jeffrey Dhammer and may have lived in (I cried for him) and may have had a 'dissociative fugue' back in 2005 (actually i started posting as 'yeh-', so you can search me in the dissociative fugue forum too). Anyways, all this is perhaps rather irrelevant now but i wanted to make you an image of me.

I don't think you should feel scared of telling your mom how you've felt only because she has 'suffered too much' seems to me it would benefit you to start facing that fear of 'dissapointing her' or not 'being loyal to her'.

homosexuality (or bisexuality) isn't really an illness, unless you think it affects you (your relationships with other men, women) then it is. but trust me when i say the love between homosexuals and lesbians is as real as the love between an heterosexual couple.

seems to me that what is burdening you is this fear of 'making' your mom 'sad'. pardon me if im jumping to conclusions, i've been trying to deal with the fact that i don't really 'get a laugh' at the things most people 'get a laugh' to and more soever i've been 'talking' (not really but i like to think i made contact) with a boy who may be potentially viable to commit a mass murder like the ones in Virginia Tech and Columbine, I Can't say he will, but i 'get a feeling' and i'm at certain 'guilt conflict' (he lives in Canada so i wouldn't know how to start, like hey 'this kid may be a potentially harzadous to people and himself, follow his IP address and put him under observation/arrest him) I only think he could be because he lacks certain 'social common sense' (like the guy who assasinated a lot of students at Virginia). So anyways it's one of my burdens to know that i may be 'talking' with someone who may do atrocious things in the future (wish i could've avoided it).

Anyways, back to your thread, I think there is always hope, I feel that somehow that thing of 'abandon hope all you enter here' doesn't has an effect unless you believe it. A part of me wants to be a psychologist so that why i'm trying to give you advice.

I'm gonna recommend you some books: 'The Art of loving', 'the hearth of man', 'you shall be as gods' all by Erich Fromm. read them. I highly believe that every mental illness comes from our inability to deal with reality, and this inabilty comes from immaturity, so in order to get better we must first face that 'void' that is neccessary to mature, how we do that? being our own mother and father, detaching ourselves from maligant dependences and fear to our parents and/or parental figures. 'The hearth of man', for example, explain theories on narcissism, incestuous symbiosis, and necrophilia (love for death), that i think are the best work on psychology ever made by a human being.

So read them, work on maturing and see how it goes ok? I believe that if love can't fix us (including me at this stage of life, lol) then this $#%^ (life) wasn't worthy, but even if it's not worthy, i give you this guidance in hopes that it may serve you.

Good luck Infinity8