I keep trying & trying but not coping....

Im in my 2nd yr of a bachelor degree in my country of origion that I have always tried my very best to escape from.. it is not a bad country as in poverty and war, etc., but it is cold, the people are cold, and I have lost (purposely) almost all of my childhood friends as I have had many bad memories and now suffer from a lot of anxiety.. i was "lucky" enough to be diagnosed with ADD due to big concentration and memory issues, and this made me eligible to some studies benefit that covers all my tution fees, housing, etc, to support me in this degree. However this is the one and ONLY reason why I am still here (where I dont want to be) studying. Yet I try not to think about how money rules my everything right now.

It seems that everywhere else, being a student is the most stressful thing in the world because they make me pay superhigh tution fees (especially as an I-student) while youre battling a constant fight of trying to pass all your classes because if you dont pass it, youre out of the college. This was an expecation I couldnt deal with and so I gladly accepted my offer of being helped through this process.

Unfortunately, its still going very poorly... for 1.5 years, my feelings have not changed. Every day feels like a constant fight to get by and my defense mechanisms are in constant fight with my environment and my school environment where nobody seems to care and only try to give me a hard time. Its truly a miracle how Ive managed to get through 1.5 yrs, yet I dont quite know how to get through another 1.5 yrs. The benefit does not allow me to leave my country for exchanges,etc, which puts me in a very limited position where I have to stay where I dont like to be, all the time for the next 1.5 years of my life. To me, still young but on the edge of becoming an adult in terms of age, its extremely difficult seeing myself limited and not able to live my life the way I should. My issues have only grown bigger, and developed into more complicated issues. Im afraid to be affected mentally, as well as physically, from all this stress that I every day have to go through.

I try to find my place in this city yet it feels like all the people that I dont get along with is standing in my way.... i have tried to get involved in christianity, but it is not working so well because of my fear of what these other people will think of me if they knew- and so i dont get involved as much as I would like. The same speaks for other interests that I have.

I am doing surprisingly well in school but it is getting harder by the day. Every day I just feel more and more exhausted, and losing hope- wanting to walk out on everything, wanting to get out of here, to quit uni, yet i try to motivate myself and make myself goals of finishing at least another half year- at least another year (step by step, i hope that eventually it will get me there) Certain issues have made me very low in confidence and beyond doing papers, i dont find myself very useful. and I just need a lot of help to get through and not to 'dug under'. I now have quite a big helping system working around me but the responsibilities of uni makes it hard to find available time to meet with them. Uni is pretty much taking up all my life, and time. I just cant help thinking about how this degree have wasted so much of my valuable time, confidence and happiness. Not to mention stealing the best years of my life....

I feel like I need some support, courage and advice from the outside world now... i hope to hear from you!

I think that we're in somewhat similar circumstances, although Im no longer in my country of origin. i emigrated a few months ago to start something at a univesrity too, but it has not gone too well so far. Indeed, I see each day as a big struggle too, and I can't imagine how 'scarred' my brain must look at this point. Plus, if I didnt' do a lot of walking and eat reasonably healthy, I'd say my heart would have given up on me a long time ago due to the constant stress that im under. I quite literally am 'cold and alone' here, in every sense of the words.

There are small things that Im sure you can do to improve your situation though, blue^girl. Im talking about making slighht changes that will allow you to get through yor day more easily. I have been 'twaking' things at various stages here and things have improved somewhat.

Kevin

I too am eating superhealthy and in fact so much of my budget goes to expensive healthy food and supplements.... im pretty sure i'd be dead or ill from something if i hadnt changed my lifestyle like i did. its funny how we are in similar situations Kev.

Im corious as to what things I can do to improve my situation... apart from what i am already doing, which is traveling every vacation/chance that i have, though unfortunately thats not always stress-free either...

Well, by 'small' changes, I just meant eliminating certain things/habits from your life, such that you just have more time to yourself. This could also free-up time which would allow you to do other stressful tasks more slowly (and therefore less stress). For example, I recently HAD TO go on psychforums at 9PM, and then again for a while later. This took a lot out of my day though, and now I only go on it once. Going on again later in the night took away an xtra hour from my sleep.

Kevin

Do you actually work at this forum? because this far you have responded to all of my posts.. pretty impressive!:) Even the posts I made 2 yrs ago..

nobody else seems to respond though. Is this not really a busy forum, or is it only this particular topic thats not so busy, or is there something "wrong" with my posts, too long perhaps?...

anyway just wondering... im looking for boards where im able to get responds, and i feel sorry for you- being the only one to give these response.

I always find myself very busy but I think that one of the things keeping me the most "busy" is the internet... whether I need to use it or not. Possibly a bit addicted? I think the key is to manage your time properly. Prioridize, like you say. Make time for doing nothing, for relaxation, for yourself.

Hi,

I don't 'work' here officially. I originally came here with problems but then was recommended to become a moderator, and then an administrator recently. I view it as a volunteering type of thing. However, this 'Hope' forum isn't actually too actve, and you'd get more responses if you posted in the Living with Mental Illness or Depression forums. My aim is to ensure that all posts are replied to (except poetry posts, surveys, or ones where a diferent website is being advertised). I just cannot bare the thought that there could be someone out there who has gone to the trouble to create a post here, only to have no-one respond to them. The people you see here are real and are in trouble in their lives; and that's a fact I realise each time I log on.

If you feel that your Internet time has gone into the addictive zone, then make a plan right now to only spend 2 hours or so on it; or just set a time each night by which you have to log off. Planning ahead is a good way to counteract habits/obsessions.

Kevin

Its very good that there are people like you around on the board making sure that people are being heard. Definitely for a good cause.

When its quiet with friends is when I spend the most time on the internet. And Im not really doing anything useful, just keep checking my email! when theres smething "important" like researching for school or checking my account I can never get myself to do it.

2 hours on the comp. is actually quite kind to myself. 2 hours is a lot! =) did you get my last msg in the other post?

Hi,

I don't recall reading another message by you, but maybe I have missed it. Thank you for your compliment though - I see you as a very nice, genuine person. I am very pressed for time right now though and must log out. I will be very busy over the next few days too and won't really be on. So, I might see you back here in a few days.

Take care my friend,
Kevin

Thats ok, thanks for letting me know! Ill see you on later . Take care back to you my friend...