Dealing with destructive behaviors

I've always considered myself to be a relatively happy person even today as I sit here and write this; however, as long as I can remember there has always been this mild undercurrent of self-destructive behavior in my life that lately seems to have gotten worse.

These behaviors are starting to effect me on a deeply personal level as I am becoming more conscience of their existence and I don't have the coping skills to deal with it, nor am I even aware of the root causes of my issues. I can't currently afford to see a therapist, but I am starting to recognize the fact that I must break myself free of this while I still can.

I am lazy -- lazy as hell, actually. I cannot seem to motivate myself to do anything, ever. This has consequences in both my personal life and worse still my professional life.

At work (for example) I do just barely enough to keep my job and keep my bosses off of my back. I have to be asked multiple times to do something before I eventually do it, and as the work piles up (and it does, fast) I become less and less able to motivate myself. It is a vicious cycle.

I sometimes wonder if they're aware that this is my mode of operation and I think to myself that they HAVE to know, then I start to wonder why they keep me around. I fear that I may soon get to the point where I have so much work to do that I'm procrastinating about that I'm just going to shut down completely.

It's not that I don't like my job. I enjoy it immensely. I am filled with this wonderful sensation of satisfaction when I do manage to accomplish something but my desire to not do anything ever always seems to outweigh this.

The only way that I am actually able to motivate myself is when I am in panic mode -- that is to say, that when a deadline is looming or when I am fearful of the repercussions is when I am the most focused and productive. This is mentally and emotionally taxing on me and has the side effect of being a feeling which I am becoming increasingly numb to, which also means that I am doing less and less work.

I seem to get away with this all too frequently. I never get yelled at, or even so much as get a slap on the wrist.

Lately, I'm starting to see that things have taken a turn for the worst. I've discovered that doing copious amounts of cocaine has helped me to stay motivated enough to work a 40 hour work week. Prior to this discovery I was doing the drug a couple of times a YEAR maybe, and now it's a daily habit.

I fear I have become dependent if not addicted to the drug. I don't fiend for it (and as proof of that I offer the fact that I went a couple of weeks without shoving any of it up my nose, but was quite unproductive at the same time) and I'm constantly tired with or without it. I'd like to think that I could stop if I wanted to (don't all addicts say this?) but I don't, because right now I see it as being more beneficial to my well being than harmful. At the same time, the addiction is a slippery slope that I do not want to fall off of.

I'm tired all the time, lazy, unmotivated and fear that I'm doing irreparable damage to my professional standing. I don't know what to do to fix myself. Can someone give me some general advice here or at least point me in the right direction? (perhaps a sympathetic doctor who is kind on the wallet). I want to get better, I just don't know how.

-Dan

Hi, daninperil! Do these periods when you are lazy and then very productive feel like "ups" and "downs" in your mood? Do you feel depressed and like not doing anything but very energetic after?
Why do you think that you're so unmotivated? Maybe you were made to feel like you couldn't do anything at some point in your life. Being treated that way can have a big effect on someone.
It's good that you want to get help and that you're willing to work for it. What you're doing right now to become energetic or motivated might be making it worse.
Talking about it is a good idea and you have this place. You could post here and start to make a plan about getting better. Sorry if I'm not much help.

I feel like this as well....Im always lazy, my parents worry about me (i know im a teenager but im really undermotivated, even less undermotivated than other people) and I always rush the job when the deadline for an assignment is due...you really have o push yourself through. Im getting more motivated to do my work on the day I get it, to spend more time with friends and family, the more you accomplish the more you end up doing better.

I had to double-check to see if I wasn't the one who had written this post! All up until the COCAINE part.

You are just like me, and unfortunately I don't have any answers for you. My therapist tried to say that depression caused my laziness, but I've been lazy all my life so I asked her- "does that mean I've been depressed all my life?", and she said, "Maybe!"

I don't feel that is the case.

Anyway, funny you mention cocaine because I've been thinking about STARTING to use it, just for the reasons you mentioned-- to be productive during the work day. I don't even have a job right now, but the jobs I'm going for are heavy workload. I am wondering how I would even get thru that since for my entire 15 yrs in the work world I have been able to get away with doing very little work.

I'll let you know how it goes when I actually get a job.

Even though you love your job, it may not be the right type of job for you. For example, I loved my chemistry classes. I was obsessed with the material that we learned and I felt great when I'd do good on a test or get my homework in on time. But I rarely got my homework in on time! Why? Cuz I just didn't have the motivation to do that specific kind of work. Even though I loved Chemistry to death. I liked hands on stuff, not papers and reading. Maybe you need to look for a similar job but a different type of work...if that makes sense. For example, maybe you like offices but you hate paperwork. If you like talking, you could do something where you answer phones or meet with people. No matter what anyone tells ya, the problem isn't you. Trust me, I know from experience with myself and all the people around me. If they can't do their job the way they want to, then they aren't in the right place plain and simple.