understanding

Hello. I have never been here before,but really hoping I can get some in put. I have a friend who's 15 year old daughter has Aspergers. This girl has been very close to my daughter for a couple of years. Last year some veri inappropriate behavior began to happen between this girl and a boy at our school. I ,as did all adults involved tried to be understanding snd work with her.I do not have a great understanding of this condition,yet tried to not negatively react.
It was very difficult to see things happening and the over all responces seemed to be "We can't stop her,we can only try to make bounderies"
Now the boy involved did not seem to care that she had a condition,and took advantage of the situation.The girl seemed to be in her own reality.Seeing nothing wrong in all that went on.
The really difficult part for me and my family,was not only watching this go on and feeling helpless to do anything,but also the mom basicly put my daughter of the same age in charge of the girl.She was to chaperone etc.It seemed as long as the school and my daughter watched over her,the parents did not have to.
Just before school ended my daughter broke.Not only from the pressure of this posiotion,but also from the lack of responsibility the adults were taking.As well as the weight of this frienship.She is to young to be a continual councillaor and gaurdian.
Last week she made a extremely hard desicion and removed herself from tjis position.She told her friend that she cares very much for her,but cannot be that person anymore.
My daughter is a very loving person and found this very hard,but she had literally no life at school because the adults involved were leaning on her to much.

This girl is now involved with a guy again.My daughter is not allowed to date and does not want to be involved.
The really hard part is the mom seems to believe there is nothing she can do to stop it.
Withthe other boy her logic was to only let them see each other at school until her daughter got tired of it.
This time he is much older and the logic is only on weekends.
I have a child with conditions as well,and setting bounderies etc is very key.
I am reading on this condition and trying to understand.
Is it true that certain behaviors cannot be stopped or detoured.All that can be done is to allow things to happen and hope she comes out ok?
I have told the adults involved at the school that it is not my daughters job to be watching over her,and there must be some kind of councilling or something that can be put in place.Am I way off base here?
I want to help her and be a support for her mom,but to seem to turn a blind eye to the behaviors hoping it will stop,or to blame others for not looking after her,including a 15 year old girl,seems wrong to me.
I am not judging her.I have had two boys with various conditions(one still does) and you do get weary.But I worry so about this beautiful young girl going out into the world with no social,coping,or lifeskills.
Does anyone have any input?

Hi Ricky,

I'm a 25 year old male with Asperger's Syndrome, and one thing I can tell you is that people with this condition can act in a naive way. This could explain the fact that the girl let the boy take advantage of her. A person with this condition can also develop addictive behaviour which can be very difficult for a parent to deal with. However, her mother does not seem to be doing her best. In fact, she appears to be using the condition as an excuse for her daughter's behaviour. A kid needs boundaries - yeh - but they need to be strict; and even if the kid shouts and screams their head off, the parent must still insist that they stay within the strict boundaries.

Your daughter did the right thing in relinquishing responsibility for this girl. She (your daughter) has her own life to take care of and - you're right - the teachers and parents of the girl should be the ones looking after her.

Kevin

Thank you very much kevin. I really appreciate your input.
I have to agree I have felt that way about the mom.The schoolwise,the few I have talked to have not really dealt with this before and seem to be just fallowing the moms lead on what can and can't be done.
my one son has tourrettes,ADHD,and former OCD(now lessened to generalized anxiety like his mom) and though we have had to adapt somethings to his conditions.We have also had to teach him to control some of his choice behaviors. He must be able to cope out in the world one day as a functioning adult,not using his conditions as ways t get his way.he is learning this,as did his now 18 year old brother,and seeing the benefits (doing better in class,being accepted more by other kids etc)

It is hard to see a parent not wanting to deal with the situation,when you know the child will suffer.

Thanks again.

Ricky wrote:He must be able to cope out in the world one day as a functioning adult,not using his conditions as ways t get his way.

This is very wise Ricky, and yet I believe that so many people fall into the trap of using their condition as an excuse for bad behaviour or a lack of trying in life. If you are teaching your own children not to be this way, it is arguably one of the greatest pieces of advice you could ever give them. Anyway, I'm guessing that the teachers don't want to be seen to be doing any more parenting of the girl than the mother is. They probably think that if the mother found out that they were interfering, that she would become very angry with them. So, I dont' blame the teachers as much as I do the mother in this case.

Kevin

Hey Kevin.
Do you know any girls/women with this condition? I have been told there are differences in how this condition effects guys differently from girls.Is this true?
Hey what is the time differance between here and there?

Never mind the time.I figured it out.Approx 6-7 hours

Hi Ricky,

6 - 7 hours, is it? I'm guessing that would put you in or around mid-USA, right? Anyway, I know quite a few girls with the condition actually. If you take look at the Asperger's Forum on this website, you will see that a few of the regular posters there are female. I believe that it only affects the two sexes differently because the two sexes treat their problems in different ways - know what i mean?

Guys don't typically talk about their problems, and their friends wouldn't pick-up that there is a genuine problem either. However, a girl and her friends are much more likely to discuss problems. At least, this is what I believe anyway.

Kevin

Hey Kevin,

Western Canada actually. Please don't say"EH" lol
I did go and check out the Aspergers site.Through out a few questions.Hope to hear from someone.

Oh, how stupid am I!? It says 'British Columbia' underneath your username!

Good luck Ricky,
Kevin

Thanks.hey atleast you knew BC was in Canada!! lol