Jung and Self-Hatred

Hi peeps,

I found the following Jung quote recently:

I cannot love anyone if I hate myself. That is the reason why we feel so extremely uncomfortable in the presence of people who are noted for their special virtuousness, for they radiate an atmosphere of the torture they inflict on themselves. That is not a virtue but a vice.

I could not believe what I was reading. Jung summarised my predicament perfectly. I don’t have any friends and find it difficult to form friendships and relationship. People speak to me, and after a few days or weeks, they never bother with me and distances themselves. I have never known why, and they would never tell me.

I have often wondered I gave off a bad vibe to others and this was why – they felt this torture I was putting myself through. Reading Jung’s quote – has he nailed it?

I’m now 40 years old and I’ve had this problem since my teenage years and time is quickly running out for me. I don’t have any children and I don’t bother with virtually all my entire family because of this self-hatred – why should they bother with me – a total loser; there must be something wrong with me if they want to even have anything to do with me.

So my question is – how do I deal with it? How can it be solved?

Thanks for reading,

Lee.

Wow that quote is very well said, and incredibly true.

As someone who had about an 8 year period of self-hate, I can really relate to this. I noticed a giant difference in my relationships with others when I hated myself. I was cold and disconnected. I wasn't interested in what was going on with others much. I also lacked a certain fun zest for life that made interactions with others enjoyable or meaningful.
Coming out of that gradually really opened my eyes to how much you need to love yourself and give yourself grace in order to connect with anyone else. If you can't forgive your own faults how can you look past those of others? If you can't love yourself then how can you open yourself up to loving someone else and receiving the love of others?

I'm so incredibly sorry you feel this way about yourself. Jung is so right that self-righteousness / virtuousness is a curse, not something to be proud of. Though it doesn't seem that way. It feels more like you hold yourself to a high standard. But we're all human. We will all fail so without forgiveness and love, then it's a harsh existence.
I hope you can find it in you to be kind to yourself. To forgive your past and flaws, and love yourself.

I think herein lies the issue,
"why should they bother with me – a total loser; there must be something wrong with me if they want to even have anything to do with me."
You're so mean to yourself. And you hold yourself to this incredibly high standard so that you always fall short. To think of yourself as a total loser is so unkind. To assume that there is something wrong with someone if they would want to spend time with you completely discounts them and yourself.
To 'solve' this, you already know what Jung was getting at. It's not a virtue to be self-loathing. Instead you're just torturing yourself and denying yourself a chance at connecting with others. You can't be such a harsh critic of yourself and yet feel good enough to open yourself up to others, or fully enjoy life for that matter.
We are all flawed and personally I've made some terrible mistakes in my life which caused my period of self loathing. But it's not right or good for someone to be completely unforgiving to their flaws or past for the rest of their life. It takes away from their potential future and self.

I think now that you know what the issue it is, you're half way there. The next step is working toward having love for yourself despite your flaws, which will carry over to love for others and receiving love as well. I imagine there are guided meditations on youtube on this topic, books and in person support groups. That will take a bit of time, but I imagine it's going to feel like a giant relief to begin to stop torturing yourself. I think you've spent long enough punishing yourself. Now would be a good time to do the opposite.