I am feeling more hopeful

Hello,

I have been going through the worst nightmare imaginable in my life. A few months ago, I started going into this great bout of panic that I was schizophrenic and that I had a paraphilia sexual disorder. I lost all confidence in my intelligence and ability, all hope for a normal and happy future, and even trust in my humanity.

In interactions with people over the last few years, I have sometimes had this tendency to imagine doing different things with people in different situations. During a casual conversation with someone, I would sometimes begin having these sexual thoughts like "okay, what if this person and I were to get it on right now?" It haunts me even more that some of these people are much older than I am and in positions where any sort of sexual conduct with me would be very wrong and devastating. I was able to control these thoughts in the past; ignoring them when they came and letting myself get back to life. Then I lost confidence a few months ago and began wondering how far I would go in hurting someone.

I also did something much worse--I started fearing that I would end the life of another person. I thought to scenarios in the past when I had come to close encounters when driving and worried I was an unintelligent person who could not comprehend the rules of driving and who had no fear of harming others on the road.

The worse of the worse came when I began trying to prove to myself that I wasn't a monster who could commit any evil--I actually thought about swerving my car into the other lane when driving, but felt the mortal terror of actually doing such an act. This made me feel like there was definitely something wrong with me. Has anyone else experienced something like this?

To make a long story short, I have visited with a psychologist over the last three or four months and am taking a large dosage of Zoloft. My psychologist said I had many symptoms of OCD--which would explain many of the thoughts.

I still have many of the thoughts, but am not as haunted about them as I was. I also find myself working out problems better and communicating with others more comfortably.

I hope everything keeps going well, and I'm taking it one day at a time.

I would feel more happy if others would share their stories with me; it would help me to see that I'm not the only one who has gone through something like this.

I greatly appreciate feedback and comments!

You seem to have some insight into your condition, which is healthy, and you are having treatment, which is obviously a help. I have no specific feedback to give you other than to applaud your courage in sharing your condition here. Acceptance is an important step and I hope you find peace.

The only other piece of advice I can offer is this: there are many types of therapy available, and many kinds of medication. If, for any reason, one doesn't work, try another. We are all unique individuals and as you can see by looking around this site, there is an enormous variety of ways of being. In some ways life is a search to find out how to be ourselves; it may take medication, therapy, counselling, a change of diet or lifestyle or a combination of any of these, but you will find one that works for you.

Good luck.