how to tell an hpd that they have hpd

I really love my friend. I have known her for years and she is such an amazing woman. However, she can really make me mad because she uses me. She uses me to "balance" herself emotionally, no matter if I am physically or emotionally capable of it at the time. She wants more than anything to be married to a compatible man, but she attracts men who want to use her and not commit to her. She has no fidelity or deep commitment to any man she is with, and as soon as she perceives that one isn't for her, or isn't making her feel special enough, she starts chasing another one. I have seen people on the street laughing at her for dressing so provocatively in her mid fifties. Men accuse her of being a tease, and she does not understand why they think she is easy. She will let them manipulate her into compromising situations and be so naive about it. Or she provokes them to the point of arousal and expects them to control themselves. She cannot handle any form of criticism on her appearance, and when she went to a style analysis so that she could be more modern, she came home irate because they told her how to look better!It took me a long time before I finally realized it was something else besides simple selfishness. I was relieved to learn about HPD, and it gave me more compassion and tolerance for her. However, the more I see how her condition is actually self-destructive, irresponsible, and unkind toward others, the more I see the need to tell her what I think is going on. How does one broach a subject about HPD to a person with HPD? When she offended others with her HPD behavior, and they responded by criticizing her, she was suicidal and interpreted their anger to mean she is "a horrible person who does not deserve to live".

There is no way, if by "how" you mean you expect her to thank you for showing her the light. If that is to happen, it will be because she chooses it, for herself, to seek out help. That probably won't happen until/if she reaches a rock-bottom point in her life.

Assuming she does have HPD, and of course nobody can diagnose online, but assuming so, when it comes to dramatic personality types it's also important for you not to be too drawn in by her outward expression. To a degree, she is consciously or sub-consciously, being dramatic for two primary reasons -

1.) By keeping the volume turned up to 11, she is able to hide her true feelings from herself.

2.) She is able to make an impression on others; impressions that gets her noticed; impressions that gets her what she wants.

Just because someone is dramatically expressing 'woe is me' doesn't necessarily mean they are real feeling any worse then anyone else, but if someone is dramatic often enough (like all the time), they can come to really believe they are. After all the best actors really lose themselves in their own roles.

For example, you wrote " She wants more than anything to be married..." Stop and think about that. Sounds very dramatic. Absolute. Sure. But does she really? I mean sure that sounds so romantic, dramatic, the stuff of which movies are made, but does she really? Or does she want a lot of things more than anything? One moment this, another moment that?

It's very hard to get to know someone with HPD or what they really want, because to a great degree they don't know themselves or what they want. This can happen because who they are as children was repressed, and so they grew up learning to be someone/something else, to live by way of impressions rather than expression. If you could change all that? Who knows, but whatever you think you see in her, this amazing woman, you may find just isn't there, and is nothing but impressions you've formed in your own mind.

xdude your post is so right!

i totally definitely have no idea about what i want mostly

btw OP

telling a HPD that she has HPD,
that is pure impossiblity
PDs CANNOT admit that they have PD, it takes A LONG TIME AND LARGE AMOUNT OF EFFORT/shocking experiences etc you have no idea if how furious i was when i heard i am hpd.
for example, you tell a N that he has NPD he will blame YOU for having it
Pds project...
...so it's likely that YOU can be HPD
i used to think some people around me have PD(And never me) but it was ME
just, try think about it, what if it's YOU? though you will NEVER agree with me
and would say you are NOT
but just give a thought, i am advising
n_n
and IF
she is HPD,
isn't she bound to attract men who'd commit to her, the male preys who think she is the woman of their life etc etc etc and their ideals would be broken like glasses later???
though STILL IF she is HPD
there is NO WAY you can really deliver it nicely that she's got HPD so....
and if she is in her fifties, her hpd symptoms are going to be rather weakened? :O SO just stay away from her? or if you want to tell her since you care about her so much you should introduce her about PDs, simple introduction
neh just stay away from her if her behaviors annoy you!
pooof
me suicidal now too! XD

yyy -

Few of us really likes hearing any form of criticism, let alone hearing 'hey man, you have a personality disorder'. Who wants to hear there is something fundamentally wrong with them? We spend our whole lives defending our fragile egos, and have it all figured out. The reason x, y, z relationship failed? The other person

Really it's almost humorous. We're all sure we're right, normal, hey, it's got to be them. And when we all believe that, well we can't all be right, but we can all be wrong. I am joking to a degree of course, but often when things go wrong, it has something to do with us too. It's just a lot easier to tell ourselves stories, twist our view of others and the world in whatever ways to see ourselves as faultless. Why? Yep, our fragile egos are so easily hurt.

So yea, telling her she has HPD is likely not going to be accepted, or worse still, there is a risk of pushing her over the edge into deep depression.

xdude
you personality has something that attracts me or probably any HPD
you charming man !

yYyYy wrote:xdude
you personality has something that attracts me or probably any HPD
you charming man !

Flirting over the HPD board?!
We have omegle for that.

yyy -

Thanks. Undoubtedly just my up-bringing, my own issues, and relationships with cluster b women As you wrote in another thread recently, for better or worse, cluster b personalities attract (and PUSH away!!! lmao).

I agree with the other answers. There really isn't a surefire way of getting the message across.
If I was you, I would just bring it up in the nicest way possible.

"Listen, I love you as a friend, but there are some things that concern me. Please don't take this
the wrong way, but I feel like you have some traits that are self destructive." Then either gently (oh so gently) bring up a therapist, or if you think she can handle, show her the traits of HPD (like a printout). Then step back and let yourself off the hook, the next steps are all up to her. You are not responsible for her getting help, she needs to help herself.


I told a friend that his girlfriend was Histrionic once. I don't think it really registered with him. He's so in love/dependent on her, even though he lives in constant turmoil. It's really unhealthy, and I can see the constant stress aging him. It's frustrating, he's crying for help, but too broken down to help himself. It's comparable to a drug addiction. Sad.

truuluvv wrote:I really love my friend. I have known her for years and she is such an amazing woman. However, she can really make me mad because she uses me. She uses me to "balance" herself emotionally, no matter if I am physically or emotionally capable of it at the time. She wants more than anything to be married to a compatible man, but she attracts men who want to use her and not commit to her. She has no fidelity or deep commitment to any man she is with, and as soon as she perceives that one isn't for her, or isn't making her feel special enough, she starts chasing another one. I have seen people on the street laughing at her for dressing so provocatively in her mid fifties. Men accuse her of being a tease, and she does not understand why they think she is easy. She will let them manipulate her into compromising situations and be so naive about it. Or she provokes them to the point of arousal and expects them to control themselves. She cannot handle any form of criticism on her appearance, and when she went to a style analysis so that she could be more modern, she came home irate because they told her how to look better!It took me a long time before I finally realized it was something else besides simple selfishness. I was relieved to learn about HPD, and it gave me more compassion and tolerance for her. However, the more I see how her condition is actually self-destructive, irresponsible, and unkind toward others, the more I see the need to tell her what I think is going on. How does one broach a subject about HPD to a person with HPD? When she offended others with her HPD behavior, and they responded by criticizing her, she was suicidal and interpreted their anger to mean she is "a horrible person who does not deserve to live".

Write it down. Or actually, type it out in word so you can spell/grammar check it, print it and then give it to her. Not trying to be funny, just trying to eliminate distractions from the message you are trying to get across.

Make sure you present it with as much fact as possible and no emotion. As an HPD I can assure you that if you make an emotional plea then you will be perceived as weak and your entire effort would be lost. Also, with only facts then your point is all she has to concentrate on. Better still, I forgot this earlier, deliver the paper and then LEAVE. That way she can't argue with you or anyone about it. All she can do is read it. HPD's are smart, I think we can all agree on that, so with just the facts circulating around in her head all she can do is think about it. Sure, she will be initially thinking of ways to dispute it all but inside she will know better and outside she will have no one to argue with because you won't be there. Am I making sense with all this?

Will it work? Who knows? But I do know that is the only way to really get a message like that across to a HPD. If you do it in person all she will be concentrating on are the actual words you are using so she can use them against you in her rebuttal. In no way will she be actually listening to the meaning of anything you say if you do it in person.

By the way, for the rest of you reading this you may want to remember this for the next 20 or 30 times it needs to come up in the forum. I don’t come around here much anymore to offer these gems

truuluvv wrote:I really love my friend. I have known her for years and she is such an amazing woman. However, she can really make me mad because she uses me. She uses me to "balance" herself emotionally, no matter if I am physically or emotionally capable of it at the time.

You can't help someone who doesn't want to be helped or doesn't think they have a problem. I think confronting her about having HPD in any form is a bad idea. And even if you try to approach her in loving and caring way, she will see it as a confrontation. She will immediately devise a heavy campaign to devalue you and you'll be frozen out of her life. She is HPD because she has been traumatized by emotional abuse: severe criticism, rejection, abandonment, and feeling not good enough to be loved etc. She'll see your attempt to help as further proof that she's not worthy enough to be loved. You'll just trigger her fight or flight response.

All you can do is be there for her. Just be a friend. Listen to her, offer advice when asked, perhaps gently suggest therapy. Give her an ego stroke when she wants one. But ultimately, you can't stop her from doing what she's going to do no matter what. And you have to accept that.

At the same time as being her friend. I think you have to be a friend to yourself. Set boundaries with her. If she is demanding of you and it's not a good time for you, tell her you can't help her at the moment. The thing with HPD types is you're not her only feed. They make you feel special and you're the only one, but you're not. If you're not available, she'll find someone else to get what she needs. Use that to let yourself off the hook. Also, make sure you're getting something out of the relationship. Make sure the relationship is balanced--mutually beneficial.

If it gets out of balance and becomes all about her, pull back a little. She''ll instinctively give you what you need, so she can in turn get what she needs from you. That's how it works.

Also, don't get too invested her problems. Don't make her drama your drama. Even though you love her, you have find a way to be a detached. You can feel for her, but not to the point where you're compromised. You don't want to be co-dependent.

She is your friend. Accept her for who she is. Enjoy her company and good points. Learn from her strengths. But take care of yourself. You can't save people who don't want to be saved. Everything she does works for her, you're not going to change that.