Always stuck on ONE person

Why the hell do I do this?

I'm always stuck on getting that ONE person to like me. That one person who is not interested in me, has rejected me or is not weakening to my charms. (how can that be? what's wrong with them? whats wrong with me?).

It started with my dad. He would not pay attention to me for anything, no matter what I tried.
Then I became obsessed with a narcissistic guy friend, who would always hang out with me, but would not date me
Now I'm obsessed with my exboyfriend who broke up with me.

I'm making so many changes to better myself, and become more attractive and the whole package that men desire. I'm changing my attitude, watching my mood fluctuations. I'm in getting into incredible shape. But he's not running back to me. He barely looks at me.
This is what goes on in my head: (Why don't you love me? Why don't you love me? Why don't you love me? Over and over again.)

So many men are throwing themselves at me, but I don't care. I don't want them. I just want to die.

One wants what one cannot have.

I think many people always want "just a little better", than what they have.

House, car, job, gf, bf..........


Esp. if they spend time around the slightly better object..........


then desire kicks in..........or greed, or whatever.

then they MUST HAVE IT..........

BECAUSE THEY THINK THE NEW THING WILL MAKE THEM HAPPY..........

Van
Interesting, works the same way from the other side...Nons want the one HPD, especially once she rejects them.

Using NPD as a more clear cut example, S. Freud once answered why a man would want an aloof, hard to get female NPD (maybe also certain female HPD subtypes):

because she is in a blissful, childlike state of narcissism, and the dude, recalling his own wonderful childhood narcissism, wants to vicariously re-live it again, by associating with her.

So maybe change your pronouns around, if it rings a bell. But this might be more of a Non phenomenon?
I have heard a lot about HPD's going crazy after AsPD's who 'out cold' them...sometimes it sounds like the lack of attention is the trigger, other times it's like a deliberate ego trip...an unconquered man is a flaw in an extensive manhunt...any male scalps not dangling form the war belt need to be peeled - any aloof man is a threat to the fragile HPD or NPD ego (?)

Yes Orion............


Once my EXHPD/NPD was into a guy her ego was all &*&^%$$ up until
she had proven that she could easily have him.

Van your comment reminded me of HPD family variations I have heard of

#1 the HPD woman's Mom is the first abusive actor in the family (Mom herself disordered...often NPD?) She pays little attention to her daughter, nor her husband, so the Dad seeks emotional solace in his daughter, and the daughter in turn focuses on this one source of parental love. The daughter is also secretly compelled to keep the family intact, what with an icy cold Mom and a lost Dad. But then puberty arrives and so the Dad must back away, which breaks his daughter's heart, and also angers her, and so she has been launched down the HPD path: both obsessed with seducing men, and angry with them.

#2 The HPD's father is the abusive family actor (often NPD, authoritarian, and the HPD's mother is weak, unable to provide little support in the way of female camaraderie to her daughter. The daughter tries to gain affection from her father, necessarily acting to gain his acceptance and 'love.' But as an NPD he is often inaccessible...and so she has been launched down the HPD path: both obsessed with seducing men, and angry with them.
And, once again, the HPD is the child trying to fix her parent's problems...Dad's ego is impossible, and ho much more can Mom take? Puberty arrives for the daughter, usually the father backs away; if sexual abuse occurs the result is often a lower functioning, more explosive HPD/BPD combo personality.

what you said Van reminded me of #2, in some ways (?)

It started with my dad. He would not pay attention to me for anything, no matter what I tried.

#3 A single parent family, with no father figure. The mother is disordered and abusive, in the roles of both parents. The girl still has to act to gain love from her disordered single parent, through acting. She also sees other girls with their fathers (at school, etc.) and begins to seduce an imaginary father through the various men she meets during her life.

#4 A single parent family, with no mother figure. The father is either overtly abusive, or covertly (emotionally bonds with his daughter). The girl still has to act to gain love from her single father and does; the same trauma that occurs in #1 occurs here.

And, for male HPD's, switch all the pronouns (maybe...is it that simple? Havn't heard from any male HPD's lately).

Of course, there seems to be some biological basis underlying all these family models, because a lot of HPD's report other family members with other mental and emotional problems. The only developmental stimulus common to all of the HPD generating families seems to be a strong requirement to act , to gain acceptance and love, and/or acting and rewards for fixing parental and family problems. Wonder how family structural changes over time, with changes in morality and economics...which of these family models produces the most HPD's today (?)

But the focus on one person: echoes in the mind of a girl, now a woman, focused on her father, either real or imaginary (or, maybe in large part imaginary, in any case )

Miserys Crown wrote:One wants what one cannot have.

Aye!

orion8591 wrote:
But the focus on one person: echoes in the mind of a girl, now a woman, focused on her father, either real or imaginary (or, maybe in large part imaginary, in any case )

That does make sense, though it's a little disturbing to think I'm hung up on my father.

I don't perfectly fit into any of those categories (who does?), but I do share some commonalities. My mother is HPD/ASPD, never part of my life. They divorced. Raised by my cold NPD father, developed an emotionally incestful relationship. He didn't pay any attention to me, except for when he wanted me to tend to his needs. Never noticed me except to comment on my appearance; encouraged and used my looks to influence others. (for better service, deals on cars, whatever he needed). I played along until I got tired of his narcissistic B.S, and refused to put up with his crap. He pretty much disowned me, (the rejection) and I became the black sheep in the family. Always felt a little discomfort around him, never had a bond, and felt he was a little sexually attracted to me.

Van wrote

That does make sense, though it's a little disturbing to think I'm hung up on my father.

Van if you ask me lots of 'normal' little girls are naturally hung up on their father. Anthropologists tell us that incest is more common in past cultures, especially those other than our own - genetic mutations not actually coming out for several generations. Even in western culture the Judao Christian bible tells us the story of Noah and his daughters carrying on the human race after the flood. Maybe incestual impulses are just cobwebs in the brain and genome, from an earlier time. Outbreeding is a more powerful instinct, when there are lots and lots of people around to get together with, so it has been the norm of our culture for some time. Therefore to ensure that her daughter moves on towards healthy relationships with men outside the family, at a certain point Mom (or an alternate Mother figure) should be there to provide a protective buffer, in order to prevent the father - daughter relationship from becoming unhealthy, from arresting the girl's development.
Isn't it also interesting that in a western traditional marriage the father walked his daughter down the aisle - and in a perfect Jungian symbolic gesture, finally released her from any neurotic fixations she had on him? (and released himself from any he had on her, as well?)

[Similarly , for male HPD's, a Dad should be there to provide a protective buffer to prevent Mom from getting too close to her son - I have met quite a few single parent Moms who are 'looking for a man,' not only to date romantically, but who in their wisdom also seem to sense they need a male buffer and role model for their son.]

I don't perfectly fit into any of those categories (who does?), but I do share some commonalities. My mother is HPD/ASPD, never part of my life. They divorced. Raised by my cold NPD father, developed an emotionally incestful relationship. He didn't pay any attention to me, except for when he wanted me to tend to his needs. Never noticed me except to comment on my appearance; encouraged and used my looks to influence others. (for better service, deals on cars, whatever he needed). I played along until I got tired of his narcissistic B.S, and refused to put up with his crap. He pretty much disowned me, (the rejection) and I became the black sheep in the family. Always felt a little discomfort around him, never had a bond, and felt he was a little sexually attracted to me

You're right Van, no one fits in any one category perfectly. IMO sounds like a variation of #2, Mom's influence absent, due to a Cluster B disorder (?), and an NPD Dad. Today not everyone has a functional family with a healthy mother and father figure; we all have to accept it; it is what it is. That's why it is the collective duty of the community to do what they can, not to judge, but to share healthy psychological symbols and techniques, whenever someone feels they are in need. One reason why we at PF are here...

The young woman who is possibly HPD, in many cases seems to have a repressed need to bond with other women, to make feminine bonds, to replicate however crudely the maternal influences she lacked as a young girl. Another reason why it seems important for a possible HPD woman to settle in with a female therapist.

IMO your father/ daughter relationship seems similar to Masq's...maybe you two can share what seems like a similar father-daughter experience.

Final words for monogamy, vs being stuck on someone...when one settles down and gets married, it's not that they are stuck on someone, it's that they made the best choice possible, and even though it falls short of their fantasies, they put those fantasies aside, and make peace with their spouse - and themselves.

Yeah, it sort of sounds like you are a perfectionist. How are you supposed to take a concept like failure with a grain of salt considering any sort of failure could be taken personally.

Why not start looking for flaws in the person you are persuing. Maybe they are mentally handicapped or on heavy medication, ect... anything that makes it not your fault so much...

I am not a psychologist.

MrKap wrote:
I am not a psychologist.

I can see that. I wouldn't imagine there are that many from the ASPD forum.