Suggestion box

This forum has been pretty well dead for months. It normally does go through periods where people don't post so much, but this forum has been dead for months.

Any suggestions?

My opinion:

1. The pink warning at the top, has to go. It did serve it's purpose, but not only does it scare non's away or re-directs them, but it doesn't make the HPD forum appear very safe or appealing to those with HPD or possible HPD. It scares both non's and hpd's off.

2. Way too many sticky's. One or two should do. Namely, ""Definition, Causes, Symptoms & Treatment" and "The rules". Other than that, to many warnings. The past is the past.

Shame this forum died, but it can change and evolve.

It needs balance. One way, doesn't work.

Anyone else have suggestions? Whether old, new or those guest out there? New post mean nothing, new members dealing with issues and that need help means all.

Speak up or just say why you don't !! "If you restrict free speech too much, no one will speak"

Time for change, as the current status of this forum, doesn't work. Balance is key.

OK

oksayhi212 wrote:1. The pink warning at the top, has to go. It did serve it's purpose, but not only does it scare non's away or re-directs them, but it doesn't make the HPD forum appear very safe or appealing to those with HPD or possible HPD. It scares both non's and hpd's off. K

I don't think people really read that. And those who do, wont get 'scared'.
But it does redirect them. And it does so with a reason.
'If you are a NON and have issues with an past relationship with an HPD person, it is suggested that you Post in a Relationship forum. Here is a link to that forum: relationship/'

The pink warning at the top, has to go. It did serve it's purpose, but not only does it scare non's away or re-directs them, but it doesn't make the HPD forum appear very safe or appealing to those with HPD or possible HPD. It scares both non's and hpd's off.

This notice has been there since before I became a mod, and as we all make collective and democratic decisions at all times, it will have to remain.

Way too many sticky's. One or two should do. Namely, ""Definition, Causes, Symptoms & Treatment" and "The rules". Other than that, to many warnings. The past is the past.

I actually mentioned in a post some time ago that yes, there are too many stickies, and that some of them have passed their sell by date. For me, removing them is a bit like tidying up the closet - one of those jobs that you mean to do, and then you get distracted by something on the forum, and decide to do it tomorrow!!! You're allowed to nag me on that one, because I agree, there are way too many stickies. I shall procrastinate no longer and remove some of them as soon as I get a free chance. I'm glad you brought it up because it's been one of those jobs I've been meaning to do.

Yes, the forum can change and evolve, and we all need to put in our input in the posts that we make here. I'll start a few posts in the next few weeks, and hopefully you guys can too. The sort of posts that would be good are the posts that provide education for all, and the types of posts that welcome honest (but not aggressive) debate and discussion. I've tried many times to make a couple of more lighthearted threads. This might seem as if it's going off topic, but these types of threads create a sense of community, which enables people to get to know each other, and feel supported. I love Orion's posts as they're very informative and educational and think that he provides a great perspective.

I'm open to suggestions here, and feel that input from you guys would help the forum to evolve.

Hi Greatem and Masquerade,

The pink warning really does stand out and I do think people read it. I am certianly not disagreeing that it was needed at one time, but now that Orion and Masquerade are moderating on a regular baisis, maybe it's time to just make it a sticky under rules? That way it won't make it so intimidating for new members, both HPD and non's, but still inforcable? Anyway, just a suggestion and certianly don't want to make a big issue out of it. Of course this has to remain a forum and safe place for those with the disorder first.

Hey Masquerade...I didn't mean to imply that the forums lack of members had anything to do with your and Orions moderating. You guys do a great job. Just making suggestions, that might bring in new members that need the help. Do you know if membership is down on all forums or just this one?

Yes, too many stickys! lol Sorry to make work for you, maybe just tackle a few at a time! lol Hey..maybe Orion could help.

Anyway..thanks for listening and really do think the forum, from a less conflict point a view, has really improved since you were made a mod. I and I am sure all members are appreciative of yours and Orions volunteering. If anything you guys have improved the forum. It is ready to help those that need it the most.

Now, what would help to attract them or make the forum appear more safe, visuably appealing and friendly looking? I made my suggestions, of what I thought might help.

Thanks again for listening..

OK

What OK said, Imo, about the Pink Lettering is based on a valid set of logic.

How can it not be? This is a recent development that has more negative meaning packed into it than one may perceive.

Issues with a PAST relationship?

If it was an HPD relationship...what does the PAST have to do with it?

Emotional wounds from the past are what people are trying to heal from TODAY.

Just read what OK said...he said it quite well, pointing out the fact it also interferes with the person who has Hpd, not only the nons who are trying to heal/vent/etc.

It's like entering an area, and then reading a sign that says:

"Dont' talk about 95% of the area you are about to enter, and as you notice this area you are about to enter, imagine that you are in another area (the relationship forum for example) and pretend that you are not here. Also, do not talk about the thorns, pits, and rough terrain of this area you are entering, because it offends people in the area if you look around the area and describe most of it."

Another suggestion, however...is to simply sit back and let it die.

If, for whatever reason, a counterfeit version of Hpd (a soothing version, for example), is demanded here...then so be it.

The forum will in fact die...as OK said and as post count, consistent posters, views of various threads, etc...indicate.

It will in fact become a ghost town if you alter it.


Have nons here been unreasonable?

Didn't we write:

NON THREAD

on our titles?

Didn't we also write:

TRIGGERING

On our titles?

And didn't the mods add a foe button?

Hate or dislike JMjmJM?...FOE HIM!

Don't like non threads...DON'T READ THEM!

I know some posters I foed, ignore, and don't like their threads. Thought that was what the foe button is for

I can't disrespect them, because I don't even read their responses to me nor their threads. Why can't they do the same to posters they don't like?

I mean the control is there: The Foe Button.

How about I add that to the suggestion box:

**Use The Foe Button**

instead of...

Reading what you don't like (as the thread had a warning in it...NON THREAD/TRIGGERING, ETC!) and hitting the "Report Button" complaining...

So we have:

A Foe Button
Warnings About Threads That Are NON...

and,

Threads that say,

**TRIGGERING**

What more can you ask?

Except people use those tools and stop harrassing the mods with complaints about threads written by people you could have FOED.

Or harrassing mods by taking their time to examine threads/posts on threads that already had NON or TRIGGER up top.

OKsayhi, jmJMjm, all HPD's, everyone...

Of course by now we all know what seems to be unique about HPD is it is the one cluster B disorder that specifically affects...broken hearts, and all the associated anger and frustrations, etc.
On both sides of the relationships...the hearts of Nons and HPD's. Plus, the personal troubles outside the relationships.

Needless to say a civil HPD forum can be a little like running a Hookah lounge inside a Quonset hut full of ordinance...exhale carefully.

One solution would be to retain a general forum and have an HPD subforum and a Non subforum, to give everyone a place of greater identity and camaraderie as they sort things out. But for now we all have to work with what we have...it is what it is.

As far as modifications to the upper part of the face page, as Masq indicated this will have to be brought up within the proper Admin channels.

For now, "Trigger Warning," "This Thread Recommended for HPD's / Non's only" are all good prior techniques which have prevented unnecessary arguments and diversions. If anyone has additional suggestions, please do post in this thread.

Probably most important of all: learn to not get triggered, and respect the other persons. Try to put yourself yourself in their shoes, and try to remember that they are not the significant other that hurt you. Instead of adversaries...try to see "the other" as a person with some kind of knowledge a that might benefit you. But even if they don't, respect them as another human being...that act alone is beneficial.

If you like, PM me anytime with additional suggestions as well.

In the vast majority of cases, the first time a non will run across and realize anything about a histrionic is in a failed relationship with one. Many of those are put in the relationship thread and they quietly die. When i first came here that was a daily occurence and imo, those threads lead to the best for both hpd's and nons. Again, JMO.

Big C wrote:In the vast majority of cases, the first time a non will run across and realize anything about a histrionic is in a failed relationship with one. Many of those are put in the relationship thread and they quietly die. When i first came here that was a daily occurence and imo, those threads lead to the best for both hpd's and nons. Again, JMO.

Big C
I remember when Masq first started those diversions. At first it was not well received (incl. by me). But now I see your point, and hers.

My main point was, now that the wars are over, why leave the bombs that ended it? It is just a reminder of how bad things were in the past. The forum is no longer like that, and is moderated much better.

The trouble with leaving the bombs behind, that were used to end the war, is it doesn't make the place appear very friendly now nor appear safe to any new members thinking of joining. Mainly sensitve HPD's, just becoming aware and looking for a safe place to seek help. Way too many warnings (threads, sticky's and the big red sign...bombs ) still remaining, in my opinion. Like I said, nessessary at the time, but I don't believe nessessary now. The war is over.

Only my opinion, and I can't add much more than that.

OK

Ok, I was just typing this out, and saw that you had replied. I'm not ignoring your reply. What I say at the end of this post is relevant to your post.

The Red Notice was put up on the forum way back in the days (before I became a mod) when the forum resembled little more than a war zone. When I was an inexperienced blue mod, I did tend to view things quite literally and in an attempt to address the fact that there were many rows and arguments on here, I moved a lot of posts to Relationships. I did show these people support in my replies, and felt that their issues could perhaps be better addressed in a separate forum. As time has gone by, and I have gained experience as a mod, fewer posts have been moved, and the forum found a way for people with HPD and for the nons to exist more peaceably. Perhaps some of the nons perceived my actions as me being anti non, which is not the case, and I have a good relationship with the majority of the nons who post on here, and have worked with many of them behind the scenes in PM by offering support. I have also in fact moved some posts FROM RELATIONSHIPS TO HPD.

Very few posts now are actually moved to Relationships, and when they are, it is because the issues don't really touch upon HPD. If the member disagrees and approaches me by PM, then of course I'll take what they say into consideration. As an admin who deals with all of the forums on here, I often move other posts on other forums to their relevant place. We as mods do that every day all over the forum. If people have felt that they have been pushed away or rejected, that really hasn't been the intention. I feel that the forum has evolved now to a point where both sides can once again be accommodated here on the HPD forum in a supportive environment. I will bring up the matter of the Red Notice up with the Team, but you have to appreciate that all decisions we make are democratic and collective.

One thing that ALL posters have to be aware of is the importance of mutual respect. Orion and I are both working on ways to ensure that people gain an educational and more informed view of the disorder. Those who have been in dysfunctional and abusive relationships with people with HPD will perhaps have their own opinions about the disorder, and those who have the disorder will have their own opinions too. There has to be a midway point, with clear understanding of what the disorder is and isn't, and I have done my best to provide some kind of understanding of the disorder by telling my story as it is, and telling the story of my own recovery and healing journey. I haven't been able to do this recently as much as I would like as I am very busy as an admin here, but will make a few more posts in the weeks to come. There is a lot that both sides can learn from each other, and also give to each other. In order for us ALL to learn more empathy we need to understand that empathetic understanding arises from having the ability to put aside our own subjective judgements about others, and to truly put ourselves in their shoes, and REALLY LISTEN. By TRULY LISTENING to each other, we can begin to understand. It is well known that when we are angry towards others, it is impossible to be empathic. This applies to both HPD people and nons. It is also important to express anger and to have anger heard and validated. We all need to be heard, and to be allowed expression. Perhaps the biggest gift that any of us can give to each other on here is to allow ourselves to listen to the other person. Where two people disagree, perhaps both of them could benefit by allowing themselves to truly listen to the other person. It is said that we only actually hear what we want to hear, and that we only hear about 8% of the content of what a person is saying. Guys, I want to listen to you, whoever you are, whether you have HPD, are a non, or are simply here to learn. I also thank you for listening to me. When both sides listen to each other, perhaps by putting aside our own assumptions and judgements, we can come to a point of understanding and resolution. I'm prepared to be flexible, and would value your flexibility. From a point of flexibility, we can move forward away from a point of stagnancy and interject something that is stimulating, educational and supportive into the forum.

Let's begin to move forward, with mutual respect to each other, fairness, empathy and a willingness to understand, welcoming people with HPD and nons into the forum. I'm not perfect. I get it wrong sometimes. You're not perfect either guys, and sometimes you do too. We all have potential though, and I believe that everyone deserves to heal, and can heal. We're human, and perhaps being human is what gives us all the potential to understand each other. You know something, when I first joined here you nons showed me a lot of support, and I've never forgotten that. I reminded myself of that today, and in all honesty it was humbling.