The Catch 22 of HPD....my sister's refusal.....

Hi, These forums are a little hard to navigate through so I figured I would post here. I have an older sister that I have watched (myself included) ruin every relationship she has with any family member whatsoever. I didnt realize something was so wrong until she got married at about 25... Our mom is a plethura of personality disorders, drug addictions, generally abusive manipulative guilt-you-til-you-give type things and we both grew up under that same sun and moon of placation.

So fast forward to 25. She got married, and wanted to seek guardianship of my younger siblings (2 girls). Well, given my moms situation and my older sister's (I'll call her Vivian)new status as a house wife in a "nuclear" environment, we all thought that'd be just fine.
So Vivian is now married with 2 dependents and shuts.out.the.entire.world. she wont let them call or talk to their family, guilts them, threatens them (this has all been found out as she is now 31), wont even let them call to talk to me (their sister). grounds them to the house or to their rooms for months on end, criminalizes everything they do, in speaking with anyone regarding her life and their life its all cookies and creme and she and "her husband" who she never refers to by name have everything under control (literally.) but goes on and on about what a burden it is to be a "single parent"...what?

anyways, she gets a divorce (she had an affair-surprise) the older of the two cant Stand living with her anymore so leaves and comes to me. the last little lamb is stuck in the house with her (i'm now petitioning for guardianship) but here is the thing. I think she has HPD but God forbid I say anything (ever) about anything possibly being even oversighted in her life to try and be helpful and it is a nuclear emotional meltdown about how she just tries and tries and everything is soooo blown out of proportion then ZAP she's done crying and is vicious instead about all the ways I know nothing and am nothing and etc etc. Now, I know who I am and my life and my relationships are healthy and pretty normal. These assaults dont effect me in her intended way. I have tried to demonstrate to her that her relationships are suffering at her own hand and that my wish for her is that she could maybe recognize herself as a common denominator in those things (literally no one in our family wants anything to do with her anymore) and she goes on and on about how close she is with everyone "I dont know what you're talking about: everyone Loves me".... love her they might but no one wants to spend more than five minutes with her. So, its down to her and her new boyfriend (we'll see how long that lasts) and what about when he is gone? she just destroys relationship after relationship with EVERYONE she comes in contact with and my fear is that she'll never get help. My sister in law has been exposed to her at great length and heard from my younger sisters all the ridiculous stories and suggested she is showing symptoms of HPD (my sister in law is an LCSW)...in looking at the symptoms she really hit the nail on the head. Here's the thing: for someone that has Zero tolerance for any type of criticism or intervention..how am I supposed to help her when what she needs (in my opinion) is to sit down and get professional help?

Staisle wrote:how am I supposed to help her when what she needs (in my opinion) is to sit down and get professional help?

Sorry youre having to experience this. Dealing with an afflicted relative certainly cant be easy. Anyway, while we cant diagnose your sister (obviously), we can take a guess that she has some sort of disorder or (at minimum) a dysfunction. While you are more familiar with her behavior than we are, you may want to consider she may have Borderline Personality Disorder (BPD), Narcissistic Personality Disorder (NPD), Histrionic Personality Disorder (HPD), Sociopath, or Psychopath tendencies. There truly is a broad range of things she could have (and they often overlap each other).

As far as your question is concerned, there isnt much that you can do. They have to admit there is a problem and seek help for it. Often, even when they do, they quit from therapy because they get mad, relapse, etc. Disorders/dysfunctions are managed, not cured. The person also must be fully committed to getting help (helping themselves) and it isnt an easy process.

You may want to speak to legal counsel about the child that is living in the environment. Her safety is paramount. Just my .02 worth on that issue.

You can only help your younger siblings as far as you are able and the law will allow. When and if she is ready to face her issues, she can help herself by seeking a professional. It doesn't sound like HPD to me, but then you did not describe all of her symptoms. I have known people like that who grew up in a similar family environment. She may also have PTSD and be hypervigilant. It sounds like she is recreating in her home environment the abuse she suffered. The best thing you can do is to expose what she is doing to the authorities and in that way you are helping her by bringing things to light. It is then up to her to take up the ball and help herself. If she chooses not to, that is not your fault.

Wow, I JUST wrote out a reply on a different thread for this. I'll go and copy it and bring it over here.

-- Thu Oct 04, 2012 10:12 pm --

Here it is:

Write it down. Or actually, type it out in word so you can spell/grammar check it, print it and then give it to her. Not trying to be funny, just trying to eliminate distractions from the message you are trying to get across.

Make sure you present it with as much fact as possible and no emotion. As an HPD I can assure you that if you make an emotional plea then you will be perceived as weak and your entire effort would be lost. Also, with only facts then your point is all she has to concentrate on. Better still, I forgot this earlier, deliver the paper and then LEAVE. That way she can't argue with you or anyone about it. All she can do is read it. HPD's are smart, I think we can all agree on that, so with just the facts circulating around in her head all she can do is think about it. Sure, she will be initially thinking of ways to dispute it all but inside she will know better and outside she will have no one to argue with because you won't be there. Am I making sense with all this?

Will it work? Who knows? But I do know that is the only way to really get a message like that across to a HPD. If you do it in person all she will be concentrating on are the actual words you are using so she can use them against you in her rebuttal. In no way will she be actually listening to the meaning of anything you say if you do it in person.

By the way, for the rest of you reading this you may want to remember this for the next 20 or 30 times it needs to come up in the forum. I don’t come around here much anymore to offer these gems