Just want to have an understanding of what went wrong.

Hi all! I'm new to this forum and am looking for a little advice on possibly what went wrong. I am not looking for, obviously, a diagnosis or confirmation, but I feel my ex-fiance may have signs of HPD. I have been a mess and looking for any insight, or at least personal closure, on my situation. I recently had to leave my ex on July 21st and I have been a mess since. Here is my story, sorry so long, but had to get it out. I am 36 she is 32.

I met my ex-fiance on June 21st 2008 (At the time I was seperated from my ex wife at the time and planning a divorce). We met at a night club on that night and seemed to hit it off right from that point. She was out on her birthday and I was just out for a night on the town. She is a hairstylist and over the next couple weeks, I had been communicating with her constantly and even went in to get a haircut from her. I mean I really starting falling for her; the way she talked to me, the way she said we connected, the way she was really all into me. We started haviung sex around the first week of July and it was awesome. Cloud 9. Around the 4th of July, she was sending me pics of her and her son (13 yr old) stating, "wish you were here" and stuff like that as I was out of town. Take in mind, we just met on June 21st.

Now during the first 5 months of my relationship with her, my ex wife found out and jealousy started to rage with her and caused a lot of drama, like reaching out to her and telling lies. This made my gf at the time more adamate about getting the divorce fianlized, selling the house, etc so I can be with her.

Over the next year our relationship reached the point where she wanted me to move in. At the time, I was not ready to move in yet, and it made my ex start to become distant to the point where she told me if I didnt move in, we couldn't have a relationship. When we got into arguments, they now resorted into her blowing up quickly, throwing things, punching walls, and blaming it all on me that I was non-commital, always on my phone, etc. Albeit, maybe she was right on some of it I thought and began to think I was causing all of her anger. She decided in early 2010, that we needed to split because she wasn't happy, I couldn't be trusted, and she needed space. Little did I know she was talking to one of my friends at the the time, but she denied it.

For the next month I was a complete mess. Believing I was the cause of everything. She barely would talk to me, was so cold to me, and treated me like I didn't exist. But I was determined to make myself better, get rid and put into action all of my baggage (house up for sale, finalizing divorce), and started going to a counselor. I wanted to win her back and tried to keep continuing to contact her. After about 5 weeks of this, one morning I sent a text telling her how I miss her and that we can work thorugh everything and Ive bettered myself etc...but still got the response, that she needs space, doesn't know what the future holds.....until that afternoon while I was at work, I get three missed calls from her and a text message saying that I am not there when she needs to talk to me right then (I was in a meeting). I called her back and it was a complete direction turn as now she said that she realized that we should be togetehr and that we should work things out. She went on to tell me that she said her son even misses me and that her mom told her that she had a dream we should be together. She did admit that she was seeing someone and that he was not me. Things, that I think now, were all lies, but at the time, my life felt so happy again. I went back and moved completely in this time a week later. Thought I was in heaven. But this is where it all changed.

Things were never the same like they were in the beginning. Throughout the next 2 years things became rocky. She stated that since she doesnt make a lot of money, that I should take over a majority of the bills. Which I did. We had our ups and downs, great times, bad times, but I was in love and always wanted to work through things. This past February, 2012, our relationship becme distant. I mean I felt it becoming distant. She was going out more, alwyas on her phone, I wouldn't get the calls or texts from her in the same tone etc. Even on my birthday, 2/28, she was distant as I recieved a little card that had only a few words in it and she sat home with me on the phone talking with a family friend for an hour and a hlaf. Now we have always talked about marriage and kids, so I thought it was because maybe this distance was because I have been non-committal to her. This is where my heart took over my mind. I proposed to her on 2/29, in my mind, to save the relationship and because I truly was in love with her. Her son was part of it and brought the ring to her as I was on my knees. She was really surprised and said yes.

So i think everything is good, until a week later she is crying in bed out of the blue and wouldnt tell me why. I finally got her to give me a reason the next day after telling her, that we have a new life now, everything will be ok, if you made a mistake, you don't have to tell me exactly, just wondering why she was crying. She finally led me to believe that she was talkimg with someone, but was not physical with anyone. I left it as that and we moved forward.

Fast forward to this past July 21st, when I left her. Around the beginning of June, she started hanging around a child hood friend that she got reconnected with on Facebook. That friend led to a new group of others she met. Things started getting distant again. She was going out a lot more without me, of course, i stayed in and watched her son. She started losing track of time, so she said, and wouldn't text or call for hours, and just making me feel I was not a priority anymore. Made me feel I was disgusting in her eyes. This continued, I became more and more insecure, starting questioning she was talking to a guy, she was on her phone all the time texting and Facebook, etc until July 21st. She told me that she needed space, she didnt know if she wanted kids or be married anymore, our personalities clashed, we fight all the time, she wasnt happy, etc. She even said that she would rather be happy and fall flat on her face (with expenses), then not be happy and stay in a financially stable situation. These are the same things she told me constantly through the time I was living there when we would have other arguements. When I found another mans softball jersey in our dryer, I left the house. She stated that she told me about this jersey and that was another reason is that I never listen to her. She has since deleted me off of facebook , told me not to call anymore, go see other people as she will, move forward, go find myself again, we are done, she doesnt look back. She basically pushed me away! Today, it is confirmed she is with someone else and was talking to him prior to me leaving. It completely devastates me that she could take everything we had in 4 years and everything I did, and like put them in a box and throw feelings away. I mean so ignores me now!

Here is some background info on me:
- I gave everything to her and put her on a pedestal. I am in no way perfect and have issues myself, but wanted to be everything I could to her and her son. I loved her son like my own and was always there for me.
- She wanted something, I made sure she got it. No matter what financial stress it was going to place.
- I completely lost myself and revolved around her. Everything I wanted to do, was for her first, and put myself second
- I never told her she couldnt go out, not to do something, etc. Maybe this was wrong, but I did'nt try to control in anyway.
- I became to where I was scared to tell her anything that I was feeling, because somehow, someway everything was my fault. It felt miserable and walked on eggshells.
- there were many times during the relationship where I felt I wanted to leave, but loved her too much and wanted to work through it, and stayed. Ignored the flags because I thought it would get better.


Here is some background on our relationship and her:
- She was married 3 times before; 1 was anulled. Her family even told me that they dont understand why she cant be in a relationship long term and meen in her life were like a revolving door.

- Everytime I brought up anything that I was feeling or if she did something that bothered/frustrated me, there was no good time to bring it up (whether in the morning, or getting ready and settled into bed, it was all a bad time and she would get angry) and it always turned to be my fault. It got to the point where I didn't even want to bring anything up anymore, and when she saw something that was bothering me, she wanted to know what it was. So I was damned if I told her (my fault) and if I didn't tell her (she blamed I couldn't communicate with her)

- She doesn't have a relationship at all with her dad. She despises him. SHe is the only sibling of 3 (the oldest) that doesn't talk or allow her son to see her dad. It has been this way since she left home at 17. SHe says that he was very hard and strict on her.

- She said was sexually abused/raped earlier in her life

- She had severe mood swings; meaning she would be all ovey one sec and distant the next. Just two weeks before I left, I received a random text stating i love you so much and we will alwyas be together.

- She would always say, in arguments, that maybe we dont belong together; going right to the extreme. Happened all through the relationship

- Her own family states she is a compulsive liar

- she doesnt have many girlfriends, but has a lot of guy freinds. That is one thing I knew going into this, but it seemed as any girlfriends she did have, she didn't hang out with for long

- she lost 40 lbs of weight since the time I left her. Always telling me she looked fat, but then would post pics of her on facebook all the time showing off her in a swimsuit or sexy poses.

- she never wanted to change her relationship status on Facebook to engaged

- she only said I'm sorry a couple of times that I can remember, but when I ever questioned her about that, shed get angry and said she ALWAYS apologized. No, I apologized for EVRYTHING even when it clearly wasn't my fault

- she had a history of physical reoccuring issues; migraines, seizures, was diagnosed as a manic depressant earlier in her life, also was addicted to pain killers a few years back

- always justifed why she was doing something, like talking to her guy friends, which always made her go right into defensive mode instead of making me feel like I was a priority and at least trying to make me feel better about something

- complained all the time about her insecurities and then tell me I need to be more secure to be in a relationship with her ( I was always secure, but as the relationship went on, I became less and less secure)

- wanted to spend more time out with her friends than me. I mean when we went out, I would get the Im tired, or my stomach hurts, or I have a migraine and we would only be out for a few hours. When she was out with her friends, she would be gne a lot longer.

- Everything was my fault, everything she did that I didnt like, she blamed on me

- She would always bring up something that I did (even though I consciously would not do it because I know she didnt like it) in an argument; even if I did them one time, she would say it happened ALL the time

- She always distorted the facts about things, and when I would try to explain exactly what happened, she never saw it that way. Even if it smacked her right in the face.

- She has most of her ex husbands as friends on Facebook, but if I had an ex girlfriend on mine, she would flip out. Drives me crazy, because I am deleted off of hers now and she wants nothing to do with me.

- She was very hypcritical; she would alway pound in my head that being on my phone was disrespectful or I was on the computer too much. When I would point out to her that she was on it more than I ever was, she would dismiss it and tell me things like, well I thought we were in a better place now in our relationship with trust.

- She would get angry at the smallest things and totally change her mood on the spot.

I could probably keep going, but didn't want to make this any longer. I am hurt so much right now and am trying to put my head above my heart, because I truly believe that everything was not my fault. This ended so quickly and so fast, though my mind may have saw it coming, my heart didnt want to believe it. Any advice? Thanks all!

DJ wrote: She was married 3 times before; 1 was anulled. Her family even told me that they dont understand why she cant be in a relationship long term and meen in her life were like a revolving door.

DJ..sounds like you were still vulnerable after your divorce and ignored all the red flags because of it? Three marriages and her family saying men are a revolvng door, are pretty "big red flags".

Maybe after this experience, you should go to divorce counciling and take your time before dating again. IE: Be completely healed and learn to build more self esteem, so you won't be so desperate to ignore red flags and thus better able to exert your own boundries.Then maybe, when you are ready to date again, you won't make the same mistakes?

A few questions?

What caused your marriage to fail? Have you dealt with the grief it caused you properly? Have you made the nessessary changes in you, for your responsibilty in your marriage failing?

Some thoughts for you.

OK

You sound a lot like me, and your situation sounds very similar to the one I was in, except it only took one year instead of four for mine to disintegrate.

The thing I have learned that has helped me deal with everything was realizing that she didn't really have any choice. She was driven to do the things she did, and there was nothing I could have done to stop it. You will never understand it, because you are incapable of it. For mine, there is a complete absence of logic, there is only what she feels at that moment and the actions she takes in response to them.

Take some time for yourself. Get your own place, and make it comfortable for you. Realize that even though you love the kid, you have no say in his life or right to have anything to do with him. Look back at your actions, accept responsibility for your mistakes, and understand that your mistakes didn't really matter. Perfection wouldn't have been good enough. Keep yourself busy. I got a second job, not really for the money, but just to have something to do besides sit in an empty house and brood. Spoil yourself a little. Since you will have some money now, don't be afraid to spend a little on stuff YOU want.

Kyle wrote: Look back at your actions, accept responsibility for your mistakes, and understand that your mistakes didn't really matter

I agree with what you said Kyle, accept that " mistakes do matter" rather than not. It is important to know how you ended up in the situation in the first place and learn from it. I am a strong believer that certian people come into our lives for a reason.

OK

I don't mean that mistakes don't matter and you don't learn from them. It's more along the lines of everything you do is a mistake, no matter if it is exactly what was asked from you or the exact opposite. At least that was how it was with my ex HPD. This story is extremely similar to mine, except mine was more covert about what she was doing.

Yep............


Same as my ex HPD/NPD.

Apparently we were their doormats........ until we got pissed and left.

Apparently no matter how much you love them, this type will get all excited

over a new guy.........and then you get the cold shoulder. And will be dumped

unless you're willing to be a total doormat. No thanks!

The thread name says it all...

Just want to have an understanding of what went wrong.

You got yourself into the situation, only you can fix how you feel and learn to let go and not let yourself get into the same situation the next time or dwell on the past.

My opinion is: taking responsibilty is 1/2 the battle, than changing your weaknessess the next.

The best to you all.

OK

Shake my head, did we all date the same HPD!!. Can empathise as I went through the exact same process. It aint us that is unfixable but we go back trying to fix things. Transfer of blame makes us go back trying to be better and make things better. I had four break ups in two years, always at the point of validation of the relationship. Looked at getting a dog-broke up she got a dog, went back looked at cars-broke up she got new car.Went back got engaged planned wedding-broke up. Went back looked at new houses-now broke up and she is moving to a new house. Now I am in NC but still recieve the weekly favour texts and e mails. Healing is a journey and we move forward, attachment is a journey that the HPD will return in some guise. I might not have my HPD lying next to me in bed at nights but now I do not have anyone lying to me. There outward blame to us is a poor reflection of what they are doing or have done. I have stated we have been groomed, emmotionally and at times physically abused so it is hard to come to terms with our situation. Look at it as a good time that could have been a lot worse.

DJ -

If you read through the forums here you'll read many similar stories. Kyle effectively nailed it, because disordered people think differently as compared to the average person, while the average person tries to make sense of what's going on from the average person's point of view.

Assuming she has HPD, most everyone who is a post-relationship goes through somewhat similar healing steps, at varying rates, including steps of trying to understand the disorder so that they can go back through their memories and re-frame them. It sounds like you're at this phase in the healing process, and all I can suggest is read through the forums here, and there are a few good books out there as well with some good insights into the mind of a person who has HPD.

At the same time, or eventually, some therapy for you could be helpful to work through what you're feeling, and longer term, why you got drawn to a relationship in which there were so many red-flags, that you ignored or tolerated, telling you something is wrong. Hey, no blame there, so many of us have done it