Long lifestory(new disingenuous HPD)

Hi. I'm(obviously) new on this board and want to introduce myself by posting about my favourite topic(me). I'm basically gonna post my lifestory so I won't have to rant about it in another thread.
I'm 21 years old, female, and has been diagnosed with HPD a few months ago. I am probably some kind of disingenuous/tempestuous-subtype-thingy

As a kid:
I spent most of my time alone when I was a kid, doing random stuff. Personality-wise I was shy(bordering on social anxiety), imaginative, thoughtful, overly sensitive and gifted on the creative field, but also a bit on the domineering side, sometimes being aggressive, restless and violent. Being way ahead my peers intellectually and a bit of a tomboy I was often bored in class.
By the time I was 13 I had already engaged in mild vandalism, skipped too many classes, stopped doing my homework, stole a lot, lied a lot, smoked weed, tortured animals(mostly because I was frustrated but I did get some, uhm, sexual out of it. This is embarassing to write) and was probably very high on sensation seeking.
I got bullied a lot - I have a hard time remembering any of my few friends who did not abandon me when convenient

The family:
My mother was suffering from anxiety/depression and dissociation to the point of being unable to work - I remember her as clingy, nagging and isolated
My father worked almost all the time, leaving my mother alone with me and my sister. He was violent but I was his favorite child, often flirting, touching and giving me weird compliments - I quickly learned the connection between how cute I acted and how much money he gave me. He wanted to safe my mother from the 'evil world' out there and she manipulated him by playing more helpless and weak than she really are
Both were quite textbook BPD(I guess you need no further introduction into the craziness of the splitting, gaslighting, mood swings, control, manipulation and, of course, the blameshifting) although I can't be sure. They have never been diagnosed.
They were unable to set clear, stable boundaries and was very inconsistent - I think the most successfull way of controlling me was violence. Today I still have PTSD(THANK YOU, parents!). They were also overprotective and conservative. They could be anything, really. On the bright side they loved me and still do
My little sister was extremely attention seeking and a good manipulator. I always felt as if she took that small amount of love my parents could give. I tried to compete with her but she always won - always crying the loudest, creating the biggest dramas.

I literally hate my little sister.

-- Wed Feb 08, 2012 2:21 pm --

Me in general:
I want to emphasize that I am not totally devoid of any kind of empathy. I have feelings for a small amount of people in my life and can genuinely feel like helping someone. I also think I can feel guilty of something, but mostly superficial. However those feelings are unstable and I do not care about most people - and if I do it is very brief.

I am a very subtle HPD – most people would describe me as funny, friendly, a good listener, supporting, a bit hyper/restless, chaotic, dreamy, exciting, entertaining but rarely fake, egoistical, unreliable or a drama queen. I still do have all HPD traits, they are just more schemed and subtle. I know how to treat people so they won’t leave me.

I lead a double life: I usually shut up and mind my own shy loner-like business at work, but spend as much of my time in freedom as I can on almost pure HPD behavior. I am described as boy crazy, though, and most of my friends are guys who take care of me, buy me stuff, leading an exciting lifestyle, etc. And also, sex.

I had a longer romance with another severe case of HPD, a person I’m currently toying, and he was the only one who gained just a little insight in what I am doing. He did let me down a lot because I was stupid enough to trust him(I still don’t get what the hell just happened) and since then I have been even more calculating and abusing to him. I am able to feel sorry for him when I know he is feeling lonely or rejected. It is rare that I feel sympathy for people I do not trust and I stay in this friendship even though I do not really need him. Maybe it’s the drama and because I know I am going to feel sadness when I finally dump him.

I do have serious trouble with intimacy, controlling my impulses, taking responsibility for anything(I’m so careless that it affects my life in a bad way) and I have been unable to fall in love for real since I was 17. I have experienced a lot of crazy stuff as I prefer to talk to and befriend f00ked up ASPD/BPD/HPD-like people, but this rock’n’roll thing is already starting to get old. I genuinely want a loving, long term, strong relationship with somebody - I tried to help myself a lot in the past as I am a self-conscious person, but I slowly realized that without help I would never get a normal life. The amount of dissociation these days are annoying and when feeling especially lonely I sometimes feel very emotionally scarred

I also really, really want to use my talents in some other way and be successful on other things than just seducing people. To be mature and take care of myself, get a nice career and my own money. I have reasons other than my own personal narcissistic opinion to think that I am gifted, intelligent, etc. and what scares me is that I may never reach my full potential.



That was depressing. I'm done for now

Canadian, hi and welcome. I love that you are so young and self aware. You know the terminology and have a developed and intelligent style of writing. Your family sounds a lot like mine except throw a ton of alcohol in there. Especially the controlling mom. Are you in therapy now? I am more appeasing and obsessive than disingenuous though. Thanks for sharing
Your post and your hopes for the future.

canadian1111 wrote:I lead a double life: I usually shut up and mind my own shy loner-like business at work, but spend as much of my time in freedom as I can on almost pure HPD behavior. I am described as boy crazy, though, and most of my friends are guys who take care of me, buy me stuff, leading an exciting lifestyle, etc. And also, sex.

...


That was depressing. I'm done for now

Are you sure your not just 21 years old?

- Labor.

goodbyenormajean wrote:Canadian, hi and welcome. I love that you are so young and self aware. You know the terminology and have a developed and intelligent style of writing. Your family sounds a lot like mine except throw a ton of alcohol in there. Especially the controlling mom. Are you in therapy now? I am more appeasing and obsessive than disingenuous though. Thanks for sharing
Your post and your hopes for the future.

Thank you very much! I really needed that post.
I think one of the reasons I'm so aware of myself is because I was lonely in high school - my thought process can be very shattered but being unpopular and depressed caused some serious introspection
As for the writing it's actually not on purpose. I always write or somewhat talk like that unless I am very happy or excited. Because of that people sometimes do not understand what I am saying - I use weird words(such as flamboyant) and their commentaries makes me feel ridiculous. They're like 'You sound like a book or something'. I used to read too much(science, psychology, the universe, dinosaurs, whatever). But I guess it's an advantage on forums like this
If your family is like mine but with alcohol I don't get how you managed to get out of it alive. I would have shot myself or something

I have not started to go to a therapist yet, but maybe I can get some money out of my dad(yes, I know). He'll support me in anything that suggests I am disordered.
Are you in therapy? If yes, what is it like?

Can you please tell me a bit more about the appeasing HPD? How does your OCD-traits show? The dependent?
I'm very much into subtypes but I don't know how most of them work, maybe especially the appeasing

-- Wed Feb 08, 2012 4:23 pm --

thisislabor wrote:

canadian1111 wrote:I lead a double life: I usually shut up and mind my own shy loner-like business at work, but spend as much of my time in freedom as I can on almost pure HPD behavior. I am described as boy crazy, though, and most of my friends are guys who take care of me, buy me stuff, leading an exciting lifestyle, etc. And also, sex.

...


That was depressing. I'm done for now

Are you sure your not just 21 years old?

- Labor.

I have absolutely no idea how to respond to that

They say calm seas make for poor sailors... lol, i don't know if there is a correct response sweety.

- Labor.

No I'm not in therapy. I know that if I ever meet someone I truly can learn to love then I will need it to help me. I can't really afford it either. I am more appeasing it is very difficult for me to say no to others or to make suggestions or decisions of any kind. I lake that confidence that is required of me to do those things. My friends are trying to help and I notice them ganging up and asking me what I want to do or where I want to go. I think being overly kind and appeasing is a way to escape conflict and drama that surrounded me for so long. The problem with that is that people seem to think I can do everything and I get overwhelmed and over stresses out. My main problem though is relationships with men. I get very obsessive and over think and analyze and that mixed with my low confidence is basically a big ruins waiting to happen. The men do not wish to give me up but I don't think they ever like the idea of getting serious with someone like me. Plus I have abandonment issues and hate being ignored or left. Which makes me stay even though I know I should leave. I'm okay with everything about myself except for intimate relationships. But hey, if I was self aware at your age let me tell ya! I hope your in college!!!

-- Wed Feb 08, 2012 4:58 pm --

Also, at 21 you still have 9 or 10 years of brain development left to go. It's never too late but for you especially you can develop new thought processes and become healthy ad you wish to in the mind!

thisislabor wrote:They say calm seas make for poor sailors... lol, i don't know if there is a correct response sweety.

- Labor.

Your point being...?

goodbyenormajean wrote:No I'm not in therapy. I know that if I ever meet someone I truly can learn to love then I will need it to help me. I can't really afford it either. I am more appeasing it is very difficult for me to say no to others or to make suggestions or decisions of any kind. I lake that confidence that is required of me to do those things. My friends are trying to help and I notice them ganging up and asking me what I want to do or where I want to go. I think being overly kind and appeasing is a way to escape conflict and drama that surrounded me for so long. The problem with that is that people seem to think I can do everything and I get overwhelmed and over stresses out. My main problem though is relationships with men. I get very obsessive and over think and analyze and that mixed with my low confidence is basically a big ruins waiting to happen. The men do not wish to give me up but I don't think they ever like the idea of getting serious with someone like me. Plus I have abandonment issues and hate being ignored or left. Which makes me stay even though I know I should leave. I'm okay with everything about myself except for intimate relationships. But hey, if I was self aware at your age let me tell ya! I hope your in college!!!

-- Wed Feb 08, 2012 4:58 pm --

Also, at 21 you still have 9 or 10 years of brain development left to go. It's never too late but for you especially you can develop new thought processes and become healthy ad you wish to in the mind!

So basically appeasing HPD's have low self confidence, spends a lot of time worrying about relationships and let other people take the lead?
Sounds very stressful. What has your past intimate relationships been like? Do you beat yourself up about things you shouldn't?
Also, compared to other HPD's do you have more stable relationships?
Your friends trying to help you sounds very cute. I do have a bit of trouble making decisions in social life too - but it's more like if someone asks what music to play or something. Then I totally forget about every great song I know - don't know why, actually. I just leave the responsibility to them because suddenly when they ask me, I'm clueless. It's kinda strange
And you're not receiving any kind of medication or treatment?

The last part of your post was very motivational, thank you so much (: being HPD is depressing when you think about it for too long and I just want to get better as soon as I can. I actually thought there would be more advice on how to get better on this board - those tips I have read so far are not very HPD-specific. Going cold turkey is not going to help(personal experience... Terrible!)

My point being was to shed a little wisdom on you and stop your sense of depression cold in it's tracks and it appears i did that...

if you would like i'm willing to go through your posts and cover them point by point with you?

- Labor.

hi Canadian

You already seem to be self-aware. In fact there is a palpable calmness in your writing which suggests you are ready to discuss your issues with a shrink. That's cool, best of luck with that.

Regarding HPD subtypes, a person I know exhibits these two

Disingenuous ("not genuine") has antisocial behavioral features (the acting is so obvious it comes out as obvious lying, plus cruelty, sadism, trying to subvert bf's attempts to move on with other women, vandalism, theft, stalking, defamation etc.)...like antisocial personality disorder, but probably often less intense, since, as you said, HPD's often have at least some empathy to mitigate these behaviors.

Infantile: the intelligence and introspection is blocked by heavy inner turmoil and so during times of stress or depression she babbles, sings, almost coos, like an infant or small child.

Interesting how you described your sis. Do you think she also might be HPD, perhaps symmetric to you as the more disingenuous, she might be more appeasing or dependent?