HPD's and break ups... wt* am I watching going on inside?

WARNING LONG QUESTION:

can I ask a dumb one about the withdrawing into a shell vs having that NPD style self-confidence... someone had made the comment that we are like that. or we can even be BPD style in our self-confidence after getting rejected tell we come out... anyways my question is this:


sorry, this will take a bit to explain:

do you ever ... do you ever lets say get rejected after 2 years of investing in the same person... and (I told her up front i have a personality disorder) then she just cold stops talking to me randomly. blocks me and everything... It was has been very .. very painful actually. I figured from a christian girl i had a couple of mutual friends with (or at least I thought I had mutual friends with... i discovered they all blocked me and stopped talking to me like with a week after she did...) I could expect to get an explanation or something... and I didn't even get one of that. I have been writing her every night for over a year and a half now. just like a good night email or whatever... and before in the past she has gotten upset when I have stopped... so anyways, I have been sending her a few emails and... she would change her profile photos a few hours after she got them just to let me know she got them but she isn't telling me why she has stopped talking to me.

normally I wouldn't care... but I proposed to this chick, i mean, i told her i loved her and i mean it.

she has done this not talking to me thing before... and usually after a week or two (or a month one time) ... i could figure out what i had done wrong and apologize... now after 2 years of talking to her/dating her... it's been like a month and a half... and instead i find out she is apparently now dating some "girl" ... (uh, ok? i don't believe it... but ok...)


... i just feel like cutting myself. ~ yes i use to do that when i was in highschool in hidden spots like on my ankles and stuff. and like... i have discovered for these kinds of heart pains, it just doesn't work to stop the pain...

and I can't keep tearing my body apart...

---> so about that shell.

do you guys ever like... fall back to some deep deep point of despair and then just ... I don't know how to describe it other than watching my emotions been to mask themselves up and you almost "WILL" your self to stop hurting anymore?

or is that "the process" of ego development and becoming "non-disordered" i am watching? or is that like... me just watching my heart hearden over permanently?

it's also changed my view of sex with females anymore too this last one just recently. I use to enjoy it now it is... i can't like "females" anymore. it's not like the same... even when I think of masturbating too. it's just like... I would/am cumming "for them" but not "with them" or because "I want too". it's not like the same anymore now either. I can't see females anymore as being special or anything. they are all just like... friends with the opposite genitalia... and it sort of ... it sort of has made me very jaded now to them too. i use think people were very fickle and self-centered... now I have become like that about females. judging them mercilessly.

I mean... is that like what the process of ego-development is suppose to look like, i mean am I becoming "less disordered", or am I just gaining another scar on the inside again? i mean is this improvement or going in opposite direction, or is this something that just is?

can someone explain that to me ~ did it even make sense?

You said:"I mean... is that like what the process of ego-development is suppose to look like, i mean am I becoming "less disordered", or am I just gaining another scar on the inside again? i mean is this improvement or going in opposite direction, or is this something that just is?"

It sounds as if you're really struggling at the moment. The questions that you're asking can really only be answered by you with the help of a therapist who will help you to explore yourself. It's a good sign that you're introspective and searching for answers.

You mentioned earlier in your post about wanting to cut yourself. Please have a look at the self harm forum, where you can receive support about issues related to this.

It sounds as if you're avoiding intimacy at the moment, and this might not be a bad thing for now. It's important to work on your feelings and issues, and maybe spend some time on your own forming a relationship with yourself in which you can spend time working on your inner feelings, making discoveries and links about how the past has impacted upon the present.

Questioning yourself in the way that you are doing is part of the first step.

Can I also add that it's important that you keep yourself safe. If you feel a need to harm yourself, you must seek help. Please consider seeing your doctor or a therapist.

thislabor -

A thought for you to roll around in your head.

We live in a culture that has a lot of romantic media in which men pursue a woman like she is a prize to be won/married, he changes for her, etc. I'm stereotyping but the basic idea is there. Maybe that crosses multiple or all cultures, I don't know, but it can leave a male feeling like they have lower value. That our value is limited to a set of credentials, looks, wealth, fame, etc., and we have lower inherent value as people. Males may also so believe this lopsided view of human worth, that they may end up pursuing women who don't see males as having inherent value beyond their credentials. Perhaps you've just been falling for superficial women?

Questioning yourself in the way that you are doing is part of the first step

That's good advice.........it's also horrible advice. It will lead you down the same path you've been on your whole life....except now, you'll have the validation you always wanted.....not for or from yourself....but for and from what others tell you. Only this way, the other.....will be what you call your own understanding.



Questioning yourself is a great...........but it's not a FIRST step. It is merely a step. There is no goal. There is nothing you have to be or think that is any better than what you are or are thinking now.
Running from where you are, and from what you think.............will still be running. Only when you aren't "disordered" you'll just be running in the same manner, with quite the same desperation as everyone else.
You'll trade your current fears.......for new ones. Your current problems, for new ones..........and this time, these problems will feel "more real". Cause you will mistakenly believe yourself to be.


Don't create a true inner self.............destroy whatever you have of one. Destroy it, by believing whatever self you see........is true and inner. Always.

is that like what the process of ego-development is suppose to look like, i mean am I becoming "less disordered", or am I just gaining another scar on the inside again? i mean is this improvement or going in opposite direction, or is this something that just is?

It is whatever you say it is.


It seems to me........you are just idealising relationships a little less.....which when you idealise them so much (their value) it can destroy your sense of purpose.

Having a sense of purpose, is good.......not needing one is better. That way if you lose it, you won't have to look for it.
A replacement.....can be costly.

xdude wrote:thislabor -

A thought for you to roll around in your head.

We live in a culture that has a lot of romantic media in which men pursue a woman like she is a prize to be won/married, he changes for her, etc. I'm stereotyping but the basic idea is there. Maybe that crosses multiple or all cultures, I don't know, but it can leave a male feeling like they have lower value. That our value is limited to a set of credentials, looks, wealth, fame, etc., and we have lower inherent value as people. Males may also so believe this lopsided view of human worth, that they may end up pursuing women who don't see males as having inherent value beyond their credentials. Perhaps you've just been falling for superficial women?

i ... don't feel as though that is the case this time around. maybe... but i don't think so.

XDUDE

in Asia, to be a woman is like crap

no matter how man is ugly and terrible and have nothing

they are better than any woman in the society and in everyone's view.

women have unbelievably low- position

I think you are lucky, not unlucky. it's good thing that you live in a world where men are, enlightened and an advanced nice humanbeings


thisislabor,-

On the wings of time grief flies away.

REALLY terrible things can happen in our life,

but you just gotta deal with it anyhow. your pain will be forgotten at sometime if you find some thing more precious in your life. you can.

I have a similar experience as you,
I even gave up everything else
but it just
###$ up.

and I don't feel like I want to live anymore

but things happen for reason

so don't be too sad.

if you want to talk to me, send me private message,
we can chat.

hmm?

yyy said:"I have a similar experience as you,
I even gave up everything else
but it just
###$ up.

and I don't feel like I want to live anymore

but things happen for reason

so don't be too sad." unquote

yyy,I'm sorry to hear that you sometimes feel this way. if you ever feel this bad, it's very important that you seek help and speak to your doctor and therapist. You are a very valuable person, with a lot of goodness in you. Always remember that.

yyy wrote:XDUDE

in Asia, to be a woman is like crap

no matter how man is ugly and terrible and have nothing

they are better than any woman in the society and in everyone's view.

women have unbelievably low- position

I think you are lucky, not unlucky. it's good thing that you live in a world where men are, enlightened and an advanced nice humanbeings

Yes, well that stinks. Though I can't honestly tell you that if I grew up in Asia that I wouldn't think the same way. We're all strongly influenced by what we learn from others growing up. But you're absolutely right, I'm thankful (appreciative) I didn't grow up in a culture where the men approve/encourage thinking of women as lesser beings.

However I do live in a culture where it seems some people feel it is a virtue to purse one's goals with ruthlessness, no matter the cost to others, so long as they don't get arrested. Where the pursuit of wealth, fame, using people for sex, is to be admired; where we can feel pity over the least trauma that our idols experience, no matter how much good fortune they have, but are completely unmoved by the homeless person living in a box on the streets. Both males, and (maybe to a lesser degree) females shopping for and using each other like things in the pursuit of their personal goals.

Equals, and equally as heartless. I'm exaggerating, but there is some truth to how I feel about it too

yyy wrote:XDUDE

in Asia, to be a woman is like crap

no matter how man is ugly and terrible and have nothing

they are better than any woman in the society and in everyone's view.

women have unbelievably low- position

I think you are lucky, not unlucky. it's good thing that you live in a world where men are, enlightened and an advanced nice humanbeings


thisislabor,-

On the wings of time grief flies away.

REALLY terrible things can happen in our life,

but you just gotta deal with it anyhow. your pain will be forgotten at sometime if you find some thing more precious in your life. you can.

I have a similar experience as you,
I even gave up everything else
but it just
###$ up.

and I don't feel like I want to live anymore

but things happen for reason

so don't be too sad.

if you want to talk to me, send me private message,
we can chat.

hmm?

... hmm ... you will come back to your lost love several years in the future... and then you will remember why it was "lost" love. it will strike you with swiftness and deftness, that the only love lost was love for yourself. not for the other person sweety.

i too was in the same boat as what you sound like... and really the only love lost was for myself.


... eventually it dawned on me, it is not about finding something more precious... it was that you are precious to begin with and just never knew it. an HPD "cognitively" is aware of the subject matter but not "emotionally" aware of it.