Children Of HPDs a question

I believe my ex wife suffers from HPD as she fits the mould and has dispalyed all the signs described within these forums.

My question concerns the relationship between the HPD and their children. This is aimed mainly at HPDs as I would like their opinion and thoughts.

So to the question. How strong is the parental bond between a HPD and their child. I ask this as everything said previously points to the fact that HPDs do not show the same level of empathy towards people and I wondered if this also goes for their children.

I know my ex has used the children in the past to gain attention. She has lied about them doing things that they havent to get them in trouble and if she has ever felt unloved by them she has turned on them.

I am asking this as I obviously want the best for my children and I want to be able to understand how her behaviour may effect them.

Many thanks

You somehow already answered your own question.

"I know my ex has used the children in the past to gain attention. She has lied about them doing things that they havent to get them in trouble and if she has ever felt unloved by them she has turned on them."

If this is characteristical for HPD then obviously one has to expect that the bond is impaired.

I realise that my ex has shown the same traits with the children but what I am really wondering is if there is more of a bond/ empathy towards the children than she would display to others.

Do HPDs behave the same with their children or does the maternal/ paternal instinct somehow water down their behaviour.

HPDs do not love their children in an unconditional way they can (particularly with teenagers) regard them as rivals and get spitefully jealous.
The children can be treated as tools, something they use to get their own way.
My ex mother in law was HPD, she never seemed to have any maternal instinct she never hugged or cuddled her children and was very cold. She was toxic.
Have as much input in your children's lives as possible be kind let them know you are there for them.
Keep a dairy of events and your HPD behavior.
Her selfish behavior will lower their self esteem and they will feel unloved. Make sure they know you love them unconditionally.

Hi Greatexpectations

My ex is very tactile with my sons. Some of it seems false but some seems genuine.

It is hard to know whether she is doing it out of genuine love for them or for the attention. Whether it be the attention she gets from them or whether it is just a show put on for the benefit of others.

I have raised this question as the ex is moving in with her new man and moving my boys away from their family and friends. I would feel better knowing if she does have true feelings for them or whether she is just using them. My other concern is that her new partner has 3 daughters and I know this wll cause dramas but that is something for another time.

Any insight from a HPD out there would be greatly appreciated.

HPDs do not love their children in an unconditional way they can (particularly with teenagers) regard them as rivals and get spitefully jealous.

This.
My HPD(Undiagnosed)sis is jealous of her infant. She is negligent, and the infant she finally came to treat it as her toy(thank god, as before it was worse). She barely cares for it's bare necessities as it's "too much work." She might have antisocial traits as well, but I wouldn't trust her to care for an animal let alone a human being.

DT1095 wrote:I realise that my ex has shown the same traits with the children but what I am really wondering is if there is more of a bond/ empathy towards the children than she would display to others.

Do HPDs behave the same with their children or does the maternal/ paternal instinct somehow water down their behaviour.

I think in some cases the maternal instinct "waters down" the behavior as you say. My adopted mother was HPD and she hated me. She displayed the "jealousy / rivalry" sort of thing that has been described here. I'm diagnosed HPD but I have more borderline traits. Growing up feeling "conditionally" loved, I've made sure my kids know I love them no matter what. I'm somewhat overly affectionate with them and have few rules because I don't like being "mean" to them by disciplining them. I don't want them to feel like I did as a child. I recently had a conversation with a bipolar friend of mine who grew up with an alcoholic mother who tried to commit suicide several times when she was growing up. She said that even though her mom obviously had issues, she always felt loved. I'm a pretty hormonal person and my "mother" instinct is pretty strong, so yes, I love my children and would do anything for them.

These things can be speculated about, but it needs to be on a case by case basis. You can't make sweeping generalizations like "all HPD's are bad mothers, all HPD's are heartless self-absorbed sluts, etc. etc." Every person is different and traited differently.

Aside from being called a whore, being called a bad mother is one of the worst insults you can hurl at women. This is the sort of thing that makes this board an unsupportive place for people who actually have this disorder. Nons around here are the ones without empathy. Not us. We feel bad for those of you who have been victimized by HPD women, but when you repeatedly say "HPD's do this and HPD's do that" you are taking away not only are status as human beings who have as many rights as you are, you are objectifying us by labeling us with this disorder. It's bad enough that we are regularly called whores (in so many words), monsters, and soulless vampires, but now we are bad mothers as well? Screw you.

Pretty typical to demonize the ex-wife. Let me guess, you are paying / not paying a hefty amount of child support?

Hi Expressivecreative I would like to thank you for posting.

I would like to start by saying that I have never said my ex is a bad mother or a whore. Yes I do pay a decent amount of maintenance but that doesnt bother me and in no way influences my question.

I am on here as are most people to find answers to questions. I want the best for my children and do not wish for them to be hurt.

I have seen my ex's behaviour towards our children chop and change. When our youngest said that he wanted to live with me she turned nasty towards him. Not violent but spiteful. It was very confusing for an 8 year old and not what you would expect for a mother. My 8 year old told me that he told his mum he would live with her to stop her being nasty to him. This is just one of the reasons that I have asked this question.

Your post has raised a concern though as my ex is about to take on 3 step daughters.

I would just like to say that I am not on here to HPD bash but to understand and to look out for my boys.

[quote="expressivecreative

I've made sure my kids know I love them no matter what. I'm somewhat overly affectionate with them and have few rules because I don't like being "mean" to them by disciplining them. I don't want them to feel like I did as a child.[/quote]

Hi Expressivecreative

I was going over your post last night and the above quote struck a chord. My ex has very few rules or boundries with our boys. Discipline is always left to someone else whether it is me, her mother or her new boyfriend. I always thought that it was down to her being ill and not being able to handle it (she told me she had ME). I now see that it was probably because she didnt want our sons not liking her and feeling unloved by her. While I commend her for wanting to feel loved by them I do feel that it is unfair on the children as part of a healthy development is to learn boundries. When growing up you need boundries to protect you and stop you making mistakes.

I can only speak from my personal experience with my ex and in no way aim this as a critisism to your parenting.

I would once again like to thank you as it is this sort of understanding of her behaviour that I am after. Without understanding you are just ignorant and ignorant people shouldnt be put in positions of responsibilty.

Hello

My boyfriend's mother is HPD (undiagnosed but blatantly aggressive-type HPD). My boyfriend is 25 and the oldest of 3. He is unusually perceptive and was/is able to see that the treatment he received from his mother and how she treated others was not normal or healthy. His younger brother, 22, and sister, 18, constantly have issues and outbursts with the mother, but are the first to side with her also. I have seen and been the target myself of many of their mother's outbursts. The mental abuse that they all experienced growing up and experience now is devastating. Prior to graduating from high school, the situation was noticeably better, but as soon as she felt like her brood was going to 'abandon' her, she would do everything in her power to jeopardize their success.

My boyfriend is just now in his sophomore year of college. His mother ended up guilting him into moving back home after moving away for college. His little brother went to several different schools before moving back in with his mom (he did not graduate). During his time away he managed to gamble away thousands of dollars of the money his parents gave him to pay his rent, only to have his mother foot the bill for another semester, despite the fact that he was already on academic probation. He moved home after getting a DUI over Christmas break (that his mother also paid for). The little sister's story is very sad--she didn't even graduate from high school and now she just does drugs all day and her mother is the one supplying her with the money to buy them, a car, gas, and basically anything else she wants--but it does appear that there is different dynamic between an HPD woman and her daughters than with her sons. She is far harsher and more verbally and mentally abusive with the daughter than the sons.

Back to your question, I think that HPD mother's typically genuinely do love their children, at least in the case of my boyfriend's mother, however I have no doubt that by nature they would sacrifice their child's happiness and ability to survive in the world without thinking twice if they perceived some benefit in it for they themselves. It seems like the important level is structured a little differently--it goes more like -myself, my well-being, how I feel right now, all of the things I have to do, the animals I'm responsible for, my children (after all they are a reflection of the HPD person), their well-being, my husband, and so on. But honestly, it does not seem like a conscious decisions--they are just innately self-centered and are totally oblivious to anything not in their immediate attention capacity.

I would encourage you just pay attention to the treatment of your boys and their attitudes toward their mother. If it looks like they're being caused unnecessary mental anguish and stress, then it would probably be beneficial for all parties involved to rescue them. It seems like at first the kids notice that they're being treated unfairly and being blamed for things they didn't do...but after awhile they get used to it, and worse, start to take on those same character traits. Love your boys enough to not let their wings get clipped by someone who is looking after their own self-interest...that is what my boyfriend's dad never did, and his children suffer for his lack of action.