You're with them always. But you're not. Non Thread

What I mean by the title, and bear with me, it's a bit hard to explain. But in my case, I can go for awhile, not talking at all with her, but when I see her, I will often hear stories from her where she has been talking about me to others, all excitedly, or for my benefit or similar. It's like I feel a million miles away from her, often because that is how she makes me feel, yet with others, I am always on her mind?

Explain, or relate please.

Oh yeah, mine would constantly use me to make others jealous and to make her look good. I am decent looking and relatively high status so she could do a lot of damage. We wouldnt talk for like a month and we'd meet up and she would tell me about what her family/fan clubbers had said about me. She would call me up out of nowhere with one of her girlfriends to show off(one time I heard the girlfriend say "this one is fun but lets try another one" referring to me, lol). She brought one really nice fan club member, an inner circle codependent like I was, to his knees by introducing us. She later told me all the stuff he said about how jealous he was of me...boosting my ego but I had told her specifically to not use me to hurt others like she had used others against me. She would suddenly re-post 6 month old photos of me and her on her wall to make the fan club envious.

And all this was done when I was utterly devalued and banished to the virtually sex-less outer circle...lol. I barely spoke to her during this period, which allowed me to heal finally.

This actually demonstrates an important point. She was talking about me and using me to make herself look good, as much if not moreso than when I was valued and in the inner circle. Yet, she demonstably was NOT thinking of me or we woud have talked a lot more. You're really just an object to them.

Captain, Maybe on this, "She would suddenly re-post 6 month old photos of me and her on her wall to make the fan club envious." I'm sure it had that effect on them.

But more likely (at least based on my experience), she was doing what I call "gnat like things on Facebook." In other words, she re-posts a photo...why...? Likely because she is reaching out to you, in her (their) passive-aggressive way. She was letting you know, "Hey, I'm here. Contact me please." Or simply, "I'm here, don't forget. Notice me."

I see this shyte all the time. It is lame. And now with the new FB ticker, her or anyone, will be able to "reverse stalk." By that I mean, all they have to do is to 'like' something from a public (open) profile, or a fan page or a friend that is a friend, or listen to some song, etc., and it will show up in the ticker. And on purpose, if she wants.

Another reason to join G+! ha

DISSOCIATION TOPIC: HPD FOLKS IF YOU ARE FEELING VULNERABLE RIGHT NOW YOU MIGHT NOT WANT TO READ (BUT IF YOU WANT TO YOU ARE INCLUDED)


Regarding the "million miles away" feel when you are with her, I have felt this too. It's strange, like you are alone in the universe, despite all the activity, all whirling peripheral drama going on. Probable HPD lady I know now is very intelligent, sharp, and hi-functioning but she is curiously tight-lipped, evidently due to secret life to be maintained, careful about what she says, although sometimes when she does talk she lets loose about all kinds of bubbly shallow stuff. Doesn't tend to create a unique intmate sense of the essential "her." In fact, when she has her periodic 'open windows' she is very intimate; I can really mentally experience her. But then she goes away for a while; while she is in front of me "doing the theater" I actually have an older memory of the genuine her...it might be months old. Also likely there is a certain amt of dissociation going on under the surface, and so a barely perceptible amnesia...sometimes she looks at me and says "hey orion how are you" but the expression through the eyes reads "oh yeah, it's you." Or maybe in terms of simple motivation it's because deep down she expects all her relationships will fail, so what's the use of investing any real recognition of what are essentially disposable / interchangeable guys?

orion -

Your post made me thing of -

Movies are safe. The action, the violence, the relationships, the danger, safe. There is no real danger from the position of a safe comfy chair at a distance. To actually be involved, to do those things depicted in movies is very high risk that one could really be hurt (and yes really feel, but real feelings mean losing control, and that is scary).

Relationships that are shallow, more imagined than actually real, are safe. One can feel a lot of the excitement, and then when one has had enough, pack up and take a break, no risk of getting really hurt.

xdude wrote:orion -

Your post made me thing of -

Movies are safe. The action, the violence, the relationships, the danger, safe. There is no real danger from the position of a safe comfy chair at a distance. To actually be involved, to do those things depicted in movies is very high risk that one could really be hurt (and yes really feel, but real feelings mean losing control, and that is scary).

Relationships that are shallow, more imagined than actually real, are safe. One can feel a lot of the excitement, and then when one has had enough, pack up and take a break, no risk of getting really hurt.

yeh XD makes sense. She is perplexing...enigmatic, tough, hard, been around the block, a survivor, but also very debutante, and sensitive. Often the manhawk, but every few weeks or so I see a little bird hiding her head under her wing. Maybe this is why I'm confused...even though I'm a room with her and she's talking where is she now, where did she go, when will she come back and have one of the those open moments with me. And there's no way to predict it, let alone coax her out.

Is there a tendancy to over romanticise those moments.......

Do you think, they`re ``for you`` because you`re there to witness them............



Do they give you that feeling like you know the ``real`` her......and that that is somehow evidence of the special bond you share.............do you use this evidence, to justify hanging on to someone who abuses you.




I`m really just talking sh))t...........but i think that`s how i feel about my ``hpd`` friend......what i would ``want`` for our second dance.........

Twistedmister wrote:Is there a tendancy to over romanticise those moments.......

Do you think, they`re ``for you`` because you`re there to witness them............



Do they give you that feeling like you know the ``real`` her......and that that is somehow evidence of the special bond you share.............do you use this evidence, to justify hanging on to someone who abuses you.




I`m really just talking sh))t...........but i think that`s how i feel about my ``hpd`` friend......what i would ``want`` for our second dance.........

No question. If I could find three events when I saw the "real her":

Once after sex she started showing me her email accounts for no apparent reason...emotionless, ICY cold.

Once she did the fake pregnancy thing and when I showed up she was...emotionless, ICY cold.

After she ran off in my "boundaries" thread and I picked her up, she started bawling and talking about how she didn't know why I hang around her because she's worthless and crazy and misses her dad...except the "misses her dad" thing was just as likely a repetition of something I once thought might be bothering her and after 5 minutes of that....emotionless, ICY cold, zero remorse or apology...

-- Wed Sep 28, 2011 10:54 am --

gaslit wrote:But more likely (at least based on my experience), she was doing what I call "gnat like things on Facebook." In other words, she re-posts a photo...why...? Likely because she is reaching out to you, in her (their) passive-aggressive way. She was letting you know, "Hey, I'm here. Contact me please." Or simply, "I'm here, don't forget. Notice me."

She does that too but she does it differently, she will "like" or comment on old pictures to get my attention. As if she was thinking of me and our past in any meaningful way.

gaslit wrote:"reverse stalk."

Thanks for that term you came up with! I will add it to my cluster b vocabulary .

You are extremely correct about,

gaslit wrote:she is reaching out to you, in her (their) passive-aggressive way. She was letting you know, "Hey, I'm here. Contact me please." Or simply, "I'm here, don't forget. Notice me."

Because this is another way to view her actions. But like Capt said, it also could have worked the other way (been intended the other way). I guess this is why you mentioned: passive-aggressive? Because in truth it could be interpreted either way so that both of you could be totally on point.

Sometimes, if they keep doing this, it can be passive one instance and aggressive another instance. Wow, Facebook has become one hell of a tool that can be used agaisnt us! I have been so tempted to visit the FB page of my ex but can only imagine how she has it rigged and set up-not just for me but for everyone who sees it.

Myspace is pretty much dead, but it was visiting her MS page that got me into a really big mess with her to begin with. I broke up with her, but she said "nothing" (we were together a long long time), so I thought: "gee maybe something happened to her, I'll check her MS page". And dang man, she had totally rewritten history and said tons of negative things of me that were not true at all...even that "she" had broken up with me. But what bothered me the most was that her "friends" were loling her negative comments about me. I was like "dam they don't even know me and are joining her insults and lies about me?!".

Of course I contacted her and tried to set the record straight, call her out on her lies, and you know what happened...she wrote anohter Myspace post that told the whole soap opera to all who would listen, once again rewriting history. The more you tr to fix things with them, the worse it becomes.

I wonder if she was a recovering cluster b if the break up would have been different? I mean sure I made my mistakes in the long relationship, but let her tell it and it was "all" my fault. Anyhow, FB is a big NO NO for us nons to visit during break-up phases!

I learned the hard way.

Good post. More inspiring thought, because I liked how some posters mentioned there were two ways this could have happened: Sometimes they want to crush you, and sometimes they are trying to get your attention in a unique sort of way .

I'd say there is a tendency to over-romanticize everything! Especially the fights because the making up seems so intense -- it must be true love right? Wrong!

I disagree that they do FB stuff because they are 'thinking of us in a meaningful way.' I mean, let's be honest. What have we learned here? That runs counter to everything we know.

It is more like they miss our certain kind of attention. Attention being the key word. They miss the attention. Not us. We confuse that. Because we miss people, not supply.

But yes, "Reverse Stalking" is funny, but I think very true. Think of the new ticker and all that shows up. For example, "XGF is listening to (our favorite song.)" Really? That is attention getter behavior that plays on the non's memory, feelings, and sentimentalism. So there is a tendency to romanticize that as well, "Oh, she must super miss me." No, she wants supply and she knows how to push your buttons. End of story.

And TadLock, yes, you learned a very valuable lesson. It is a waste of your words to call her out on her shyte. You must have learned in the relationship that it was a waste of time. But we tried, right?

Once you know that it is a waster of time, you simplify your life. Actions are the only things that work. Words will not.

Ironically, depending upon how much time had past, if you had instead sent her a nice friendly email, she likely would have reacted all positive and happy because another source is back! Calling her out though, never going to lead to anything.