The Not You - Befriending "is"

Six nights ago I realized my relationship was toast [burnt toast] and posted my feelings about it under the title: "The Next. The New. The Not You."

I chose this title to reflect something I had noticed in many posts - how damn unfair it is to have invested so much...for so little and to then watch that little waltz off to have a Kodak life with someone new.

It sucks. Big time.

If the hurt was an animal it would be rabid, wild eyed and howling, spitting venom and loathing which come to think of it pretty much sums me up this week.

I got some wonderful replies to my post. Really wonderful. Compassionate, laced with 'you can do it' support and I felt empowered and almost complete....for about 20 minutes.

Then. like Jeff Goldblum i reverted to my inner fly...hairy...monstrous....compound eye...bad attitude. And one word was causing this - unfair! My word for this week.

It formed the cornerstone of all my silent righteous 'how dare you" monologues. Unfair. Not fair. Not anywhere near close to being fair. And really, while Casanova builds his new with the new i am left with two words that will not change, compromise or mediate. In fact their indifference to me matches his! Which, by the way, is totally unfair!

Fair and unfair.

Its totally unfair that the love I felt was used, abused and then excused. Its totally unfair that I feel lonely and that his stupid mail with his equally stupid name on each piece still lands in my mailbox to heighten what is unfair in my world via 50gsm antique ivory paper and frutiger bold 12 pt.

If the world was a fair place, HPD would not exist and i would be happy in my relationship and cheating would just be a passing phase at tax time. If the world was even a smidgen fairer than it is, his new relationship would have combusted now in a way that would make Krakatoa look tame.

But it isn't fair or even unfair. It just is.

Somewhere between venting at a blank wall way to many times and eating cereal for dinner I reached a point of exhaustion. Emotional exhaustion. Coiled in ever tightening angst over something that is not fair or unfair. It just is and if I don't see it this way I will be eating cereal for dinner in a years time and still venting at the blank wall that will probably have cereal thrown at it.

Some things just happen and they are awful but if you wait for some cosmic ajudicator to see your side you might miss out on what "is" which could be a whole lot better than what was 'unfair.'

I am still hurt. I am still flabbergasted. I still need this forum and your comments but I need to let go of trying to apportion blame onto a situation that defies any response except to accept and move on.

The unfairness is just a another false hope to hang onto within the conundrum of loving someone who is HPD. And it wastes so much energy and time. And cereal.

It happened. $#%^ happens. It just is and understanding this or even acknowledging it puts me light years ahead of the point I was at just one week ago. I need to remind myself of this every time my "unfair" metronome starts picking up a beat.

Life is not unfair or fair. Life just is.

While fair and unfair acknowledge the duality in our world, is acknowledges understanding, resolution and growth. So your inner "fly" can really fly.

Hi,

Thank you for your post. I was getting worried at the beginning when you started using the word 'unfair', but then I was happy to see that you dismissed it and instead chose the 'things just happen' approach. that's exactly how it is. No-one is going to go through life without getting hurt and used/abused by another person in some shape or form. That's just life, so we gotta' accept it.

I want to add that we can learn from everything that happens to us - good or bad - and throug tis we become wiser.

Good luck
Kevin

Here are some of my random thoughts from reading your post ( and I warn you... they are random... I’m tired and want a glass of wine... end of long day listening to the problems of others and all that... but your post grabbed me...)

1) If you’ve come this long a ways after only six days, you got some good ‘healing stuff’ inside of you, girl.

2) What’s wrong with eating cereal for a week... or more? You gotta let yourself feel your feelings or later, your feelings will jump up and grab you by the throat when you least expect it. Good that you’re letting yourself feel how crappy this is.

3) This is crappy. It’s not fair. And... it’s not unfair. It just is. Just as you say. But, before you can really get to that place and stick at that place, you’re probably gonna have to cycle thru a bit of “Not fair, dammit” a few more times. That’s ok.

4) I love the recovery saying “It is what it is.” It’s helped me more than once in my life. Once, when something gave me a gut punch, sort of on the order of what you’re probably dealing with right now, I took a piece of paper and wrote IT IS WHAT IT IS, over and over and over, filling the paper, kind of like what teachers used to do in bygone ages when you had to write “I won’t chew gum in class” or something 100 times as punishment. This wasn’t punishment of course; it was a way to let my emotions let go of their deathgrip on my heart. I wrote that phrase so much that my hand started cramping. So, I later shorted it to IIWII.... IIWII... IIWII... Wherever I found myself, at my desk, in a meeting, sipping coffee, out with friends who were in love (the worst!), alone at home, and I felt that grip around my heart and that sinking feeling in my stomach, I’d grab my cocktail napkin or envelope or whatever paper I had handy and just start writing IIWII... IIWII... IIWII... IIWII.... IIWII. It helped. Alot. But it wasn’t immediate.

4) If you think you have it bad (and you do... and rightly so), try being the adult child of a mother with NPD, and dealing with this kind of stuff your whole life! I WANT SYMPATHY RIGHT NOW!!!

5) You should be a writer... if you aren’t already. You’re good. Seriously.

6) Like you, I find humor in my pain. It’s got my through my life so far, and still does. It’s even better than IIWII. I see you use that device too. It’s a good one.

7) I want to be your friend. I like you. PM me. I have never said that to anyone before, and I’m laughing right now watching myself type this. It’s very funny to me! Kinda like I’m hitting on you or something. Wow. Sorry ‘bout that. But, if I met you, I bet we’d become friends, good girlfriends.

Here’s another good slogan that I’m sure you’re aware of. But it’s also good for situations like this. Ranks right up there with IIWII... This too shall pass.

9) What’s your COC? Like DOC, but only with cereal. Put bananas in it. They’re high in potassium and I hear they stop those crinkles around your eyes if you eat enough of them.

10) Cuz you gotta have 10... ummm... nothing comin'. Ummm... I got nothing. So... just here's a number 10.

Lifesong

stillreeling wrote:Six nights ago I realized my relationship was toast [burnt toast] and posted my feelings about it under the title: "The Next. The New. The Not You."

I chose this title to reflect something I had noticed in many posts - how damn unfair it is to have invested so much...for so little and to then watch that little waltz off to have a Kodak life with someone new.

It sucks. Big time.

If the hurt was an animal it would be rabid, wild eyed and howling, spitting venom and loathing which come to think of it pretty much sums me up this week.

I got some wonderful replies to my post. Really wonderful. Compassionate, laced with 'you can do it' support and I felt empowered and almost complete....for about 20 minutes.

Then. like Jeff Goldblum i reverted to my inner fly...hairy...monstrous....compound eye...bad attitude. And one word was causing this - unfair! My word for this week.

It formed the cornerstone of all my silent righteous 'how dare you" monologues. Unfair. Not fair. Not anywhere near close to being fair. And really, while Casanova builds his new with the new i am left with two words that will not change, compromise or mediate. In fact their indifference to me matches his! Which, by the way, is totally unfair!

Fair and unfair.

Its totally unfair that the love I felt was used, abused and then excused. Its totally unfair that I feel lonely and that his stupid mail with his equally stupid name on each piece still lands in my mailbox to heighten what is unfair in my world via 50gsm antique ivory paper and frutiger bold 12 pt.

If the world was a fair place, HPD would not exist and i would be happy in my relationship and cheating would just be a passing phase at tax time. If the world was even a smidgen fairer than it is, his new relationship would have combusted now in a way that would make Krakatoa look tame.

But it isn't fair or even unfair. It just is.

Somewhere between venting at a blank wall way to many times and eating cereal for dinner I reached a point of exhaustion. Emotional exhaustion. Coiled in ever tightening angst over something that is not fair or unfair. It just is and if I don't see it this way I will be eating cereal for dinner in a years time and still venting at the blank wall that will probably have cereal thrown at it.

Some things just happen and they are awful but if you wait for some cosmic ajudicator to see your side you might miss out on what "is" which could be a whole lot better than what was 'unfair.'

I am still hurt. I am still flabbergasted. I still need this forum and your comments but I need to let go of trying to apportion blame onto a situation that defies any response except to accept and move on.

The unfairness is just a another false hope to hang onto within the conundrum of loving someone who is HPD. And it wastes so much energy and time. And cereal.

It happened. $#%^ happens. It just is and understanding this or even acknowledging it puts me light years ahead of the point I was at just one week ago. I need to remind myself of this every time my "unfair" metronome starts picking up a beat.

Life is not unfair or fair. Life just is.

While fair and unfair acknowledge the duality in our world, is acknowledges understanding, resolution and growth. So your inner "fly" can really fly.

Ok.... got your PM.
Just as I knew.
We're gonna be friends.
I've got good intuition.
You forgot to answer #9... your cereal-of-choice. That's an important bit of information for those who are still suffering. They'll want to know which brand does the job.
And.. the critical question. Have you lost weight? A week of furious moping and living on cereal isn't worth it unless it's also jump started a diet, or made those pants fit better.


Your new friend,
Lifesong

[For those of you who 'know' me... I sound drunk, don't I? I'm not. Just dog-tired. But hopefully... soon... just a tiny bit... ]

stillreeling wrote:Six nights ago I realized my relationship was toast [burnt toast] and posted my feelings about it under the title: "The Next. The New. The Not You."

It sucks. Big time.

But it isn't fair or even unfair. It just is.

Life is not unfair or fair. Life just is.

well, at least now your finally being realistic - however, to call it posting your feelings as opposed to an emotional tirade is false. - nonetheless, I aggree with what I left up in quotes. and like I said in your previous thread, I'm sorry about your relationship.

- Labor.

Dearest, dearest Labor,

how good to hear from you again....as i knew I would. Yes, reality does have a nasty way of creeping into ones life. Thank goodness for this forum where one can express oneself emotionally when hurt and then read back and realize that some progress has been made...even if only a little.

I see by your latest post you still haven't managed to look up the word "compassion". And I am guessing empathy also doesn't register in your lexicon. My post last week was dramatic because when someone uses you and moves on at lightening speed [with a healthy dose of devaluing thrown in] it is.....thinking.....thinking.....ah yes, "dramatic"! That's the word I was looking for and the upshot of this drama and hurt can often be a "tirade" although I prefer to think of my post not as a tirade but as an anguished question to those who leave and hurt with intent.

To put it mildly Laborious [and you are], a dramatic tirade is healthy for a NON or anyone who has been hurt and needs to get it off their chest. Just think of it as a primal scream for the dumped and it may make some sense to you. Then again.....

All the best.

Quoting myself... not a good sign! LOL.
But just trying to get this thread back on line.
Thanks for the laughs last night between us. It was good to laugh with you. I hope you're feeling better today. I am. A good night sleep does wonders.

You still haven't declared your medicinal cereal of choice - LOL.

LifeSong wrote:Ok.... got your PM.
Just as I knew.
We're gonna be friends.
I've got good intuition.
You forgot to answer #9... your cereal-of-choice. That's an important bit of information for those who are still suffering. They'll want to know which brand does the job.
And.. the critical question. Have you lost weight? A week of furious moping and living on cereal isn't worth it unless it's also jump started a diet, or made those pants fit better.

stillreeling wrote:Dearest, dearest Labor,

how good to hear from you again....as i knew I would. Yes, reality does have a nasty way of creeping into ones life. Thank goodness for this forum where one can express oneself emotionally when hurt and then read back and realize that some progress has been made...even if only a little.

I see by your latest post you still haven't managed to look up the word "compassion". And I am guessing empathy also doesn't register in your lexicon. My post last week was dramatic because when someone uses you and moves on at lightening speed [with a healthy dose of devaluing thrown in] it is.....thinking.....thinking.....ah yes, "dramatic"! That's the word I was looking for and the upshot of this drama and hurt can often be a "tirade" although I prefer to think of my post not as a tirade but as an anguished question to those who leave and hurt with intent.

To put it mildly Laborious [and you are], a dramatic tirade is healthy for a NON or anyone who has been hurt and needs to get it off their chest. Just think of it as a primal scream for the dumped and it may make some sense to you. Then again.....

All the best.

Stillreeling, reading this gave me warm fuzzies. lol Good response.

ghost5of7 wrote:

stillreeling wrote:Dearest, dearest Labor,

how good to hear from you again....as i knew I would. Yes, reality does have a nasty way of creeping into ones life. Thank goodness for this forum where one can express oneself emotionally when hurt and then read back and realize that some progress has been made...even if only a little.

I see by your latest post you still haven't managed to look up the word "compassion". And I am guessing empathy also doesn't register in your lexicon. My post last week was dramatic because when someone uses you and moves on at lightening speed [with a healthy dose of devaluing thrown in] it is.....thinking.....thinking.....ah yes, "dramatic"! That's the word I was looking for and the upshot of this drama and hurt can often be a "tirade" although I prefer to think of my post not as a tirade but as an anguished question to those who leave and hurt with intent.

To put it mildly Laborious [and you are], a dramatic tirade is healthy for a NON or anyone who has been hurt and needs to get it off their chest. Just think of it as a primal scream for the dumped and it may make some sense to you. Then again.....

All the best.

Stillreeling, reading this gave me warm fuzzies. lol Good response.

I am glad your fuzzies are warm. Thanks for your posts too!!!!

Hi,


I liked your post. Anyone who refers to duality....is aces in my book.

Sorry, someone like me and Labor infiltrated your life...........


Befriending is..........is wonderful..........and The Not You.....really is not you. Never really was you. Never really is anyone, never really was anyone.
It's hard to figure out what happened.......or atleast, wish that things were the way they were......before the bomb went off.
But it's like the scene from No Country for Old Men: "you've been putting it up your whole life, you just didn't know it"........that's basically a relationship with us.
We were always going to eat you.........anything that isn't eating you, is just our saving you for later....incase we're hungry then.
Some of us eat quickly.........some of us eat slow.........but we're basically just mimics. We mimic the things, we think fit. Maybe that's just me?

Sorry i'm rambling.


Anyways.....my point is, we're far uglier than you remember. We're just good at hiding it......and some of you people are bad at looking for it. Nostalgia is especially harmful, when it comes to us.