Why we were a vunerable target to HPD's - non's

I guess this relates to my WTF thread. I guess at that point, I started to realize, why posters on here were targets and realized things went deeper.

I am not in anyway trying to diminish the abuse or actions of anyones former partner, but to point out why we might have been vunerable or took it so hard or in some cases took so long to get over it. Letting go.

If anyone is offended by me posting their issue, I would be more than happy to edit this. This is not to shift blame, but to understand us and not just them. It is to understand why we were vunerable or became this way. Digging deeper.

If you want to add to what I have pointed out, as to why your were venerable or change what I wrote or explain how you over came your issues, it would be great. It's not about now, but how YOU are going to change.

Here goes,from those that did say, what thier DEEPER issues were:

Notchinherbelt : Divorce and venerable to finding a new partner, at a time he should have been healing.

Okherewego: Divorce and venerable to new partner, at a time he should have been healing.

Tatterknight: Married and wanted to keep his family together

Xdude: Mother was a PD and felt the need to help others.

George: Parent abuse issues, that weren't resolved.

Joliver: Father abandoment issues not addressed.

Treetop : Family issues and working on resolving them

Lifesong: NPD mother

Jmac : NPD mother

Ghost: PTSD

Rockstar: Divorce and venerable to new partner, at a time he should have been healing

CPT: low sense of self/self esteem/late bloomer raised on strong Christian values.

TadLock: NPD mother

Starsandstrips: BPd - mild schtzo - mother

Others: ?

If we are here to heal and become better people, how do we change, unless we know the root cause? So lets just be honest with ourselves first?

My best..OK.

Excellent Post

Rockstar - I was going through a divorce and slightly codependent when I met and spent 5 years with my HPD girl friend. I was very vulnerable when we met. I am an engineer by profession, a builder & fixer and seeker of knowledge and answers. I thought the issues could be fixed with hard work. As my HPD put me through the constant cycle of uphoria and devaluation for five years, I somehow did start to figure out what was wrong, and not get sucked into her games. My ego and self respect started to come back although very hammpered by my HPD. Over the 5 years, as I recoverd from my divorce, our relationship should have gotten better and better, instead it got worse and worse. I think she even contributed to my slow recovery from the divorce of my cheating wife by making me feel like I had done something wrong to cause my X wife to cheat. My HPD actually used that as an excuse when she cheated, that somehow I caused her to cheat.... I am now clean and sober from my HPD for 10 months. I put an X on the calendar everyday. I am treating the whole experience like it was an addiction, becasue I think it was.

Hey Rockstar, I will add you to the list.

Do you have any advice on how not to make the same mistakes and what steps you have taken, as not to repeat or what steps you have taken or are taking in letting go?

You know, I blame myself for my marriage failing. I built my business, got involved in activities, coached and sat on boards, and compltetely forgot about my wife. My loss, but learned. I didn't figure that out, until I spent time on my own, I have apoligized to her. Like you, I ignored my own issues, wasn't healed and tried to fix and replace the empty space. Thus HPD. I was wrong.

The #1 reason would be naivety for me, but I guess that would apply to everyone here as none of us knew what HPD was. It was worse for me though because I was also inexperienced with women IN GENERAL, that had a lot to do with my introversion, low self esteem, etc. There were savior-complex traits in the relationship as well(#2 reason). They stem from my philosophical beliefs more than codependency, which I did look into.

Solutions to problem #1
-Self betterment, hit the gym, focus on your career, learn to be happy with or without a significant other, and break out of your shell and approach women!

Solutions to problem #2
-I've been stubborn with this one but the more I read about psychology the more careful I am about adopting unwinnable problems. Its hard to let go of the idea that everyone can change and recognize and internalize that just because some can, most WONT change.

But Cpt, going deeper, what made you become this way?

Great thread...let me think about this one and get back on it. Gotta feeling this thread will be a "10 pager"...or more !

I would have to say that I came from a very odd up bringing. I had a very difficult relationship with my mother (she was not HPD, but she was BP and mild schitzo), and didn't talk to her for many years even up to her death. I felt that coming from that type of dysfunction that I had to really be a lot more lenient with other people. I didn't want to be judged, so I didn't judge others. I excused #######5 behavior because I had witnessed it growing up, so perhaps I thought it was the norm? I also felt like a lot of people wouldn't understand where I came from. So, when I would met a HPD, they would tell me their horror stories, and mirror a lot of the same insecurities, likes, dislikes I had and it, to me, felt like a rare bond. This person GETS me. This person KNOWS how I feel and still likes ME.
I think I'm also really outgoing and not afraid of anything. I am very social and witty, so I think that an HPD is also more likely to want to be around me because they have always been able to take the attention from me. I'm not competitive AT ALL, but I do get annoyed.
So, bottom line is I have a vulnerability for being judged and not liked because of my dysfunctional past, yet I'm outgoing and friendly so the HPD is able to easily obtain a lot of new supply sources from me.

TadLock says,

"The roots of it all were my NPD mother. My family also had an illusion that the woman was always right. She was better than the man, more responsible, if she argued with her husband, he was automatically wrong".

My environment made me a perfect HPD snack.

These days I do not find myself a target. However it took years to understand the deception of women. When you are raised that the woman is right, even indirectly, it makes it very hard to respond to HPD brain washing.

I DID have "Father abandonement" issues, but basically I contacted an old GF in 2006. I had no idea what HPD was. We started getting hot and heavy in 2009. Basically, she was everything my wife was not...or so I thought ! She praised me with accolades, "So handsome, cute, sexy, funny...etc. So after 23 years of being married and in a marriage that had gotten stale, I was like the MIG that Tom Cruise/aka Maverick fired on in Top Gun. I "crashed and burned ". It all came to a head when we met for the first time in Oct 2009 at a major conf football game. 65+ K fans !!! This woman was 51 at the time sees me and squeals and then hugs me and then next she grabs my crotch. Later we go to a more secluded section and her hands go down my pants. Hubby is up in the stands meanwhile. I am on cloud nine... You are so this and that she says. I'm thinking.."She definitely has NOT lost that "Loving Feeling"...!!! I was a motjh to the flame. I go back to my seat and she texts me.."I want you NOW !!!". The problem is I confused all this with LOVE !!! In other words, if a grown woman and previous GF is telling me all those previous accolades AND her hand is in my crotch....it MUST be love !!! RIGHT ????? We meet a few weeks later in a hotel room and clothes come off and I even read her a poem. I thought I had found my soulmate. Things got very rocky when I later sent my wife a text meant for the exHPD...it was nebulous but I almost got caught and told the HP I could not do this anymore. She was sad, and I came back to her and she took me back. I me her again summer of 2010 and she performed oral sx on me in her car. The last straw was when she started talking about her sons' football coach who kissed her one day. I KNOW she HAD to have been sending out VERY strong signals for a 33 year old MARRIED coach of her sons to do that. So in the car she talked about him and how she "loved him" but was "In love " with me. When she showed me pictires of him and his baby I couldn't take it. Broke up with her via Text 2 days later. Started "missing" her in Sept 2010 and tried chasing her again. Very cold to me. Went NC Jan 2011. While I was...and still am in therapy....my Doc said the exHPD fit the bill for being HPD. A light goes off in my head. Found this board in March 2011. Recontacted her in April 2011...( See my post...Contacted her have dialogue ! ). She was cold to the point of being rude. Now I am still struggling over the issues of being duped and that it was all a lie, to MY thinking it WAS true love on both our parts. Stiil trying to reconcile all that hurt with my therapist. Still hard to let go of someone whom I "thought I Loved ". And whom I thought loved me. But with continued help, time, and this board I will contnue to improve. Taking my wife on a splendid trip in a few days...she deserves all of me. My wife is true GOLD and not Iron Pyrite or Fool's Gold like the exhpd. I have to remember that !

For #1: Introversion is just my personality type. As far as low self esteem, I was a late bloomer physically, body/looks didnt really develop until a few years ago, and wore braces into early adulthood. Didnt have a lot of success with the ladies because of it.


For #2: Just the values I was raised on and adopted(christianity and individualism).