Why Do Hpds believe theres more there than there really Is??

Why do we hpds always beleive a "relationship" is more than what it us..i swear that has been my number issue..moving too fast and too quickly...why? I also get completely comfterble with.people I let in my world too fast..without scanning or patience..it seems like I have none..all I desire is the relation..i just want the acceptance..acceptance to let me in..to accept me..

Well patience is suppose to be a hard thing to do for HPDs I know that from my ex...moving too fast in general can attract some people at first because they get addicted to the praise and affection you give them at the beginning which they aren't use to receiving from strangers. This also pushes some people away because they were hurt in the past by someone who they let in too quickly. I suppose its worked with enough people though in the way to keep them around for a decent amount of time that you just keep doing it despite having failures at hooking people with that same technique too. Its all the whole relying on others for my self-esteem thing that HPDs have though. If you work on accepting yourself from within and getting over the symptoms of HPD then you'll be okay. Its hard now I know but you can do it!

Thankyou for that..i needed to hear its from within I have to accept..it feel like im moving to fast with peopl but moving too slow with me..with getting to know and accept me..i feel like tge black whole inside is too deep and too far to reach. Therefore, I stop searching for me and start looking for acceptence through "them"..everyone..

I pondered this question about the woman I got involved with that matches the HPD criteria, as well as with my BPD mother. It was different with my mother, but some similarities. I'm not sure it's just one reason, but multiple reasons that reinforce each other. Really this is a great question to explore with a therapist as to what's behind it for you. My best guess with the HPD GF was:

She had real trouble with pushing people away that actually loved her (more on that in a moment), but she could be especially nice, and mirror those she had just met.

People who got close could hurt her, while people she barely knew were safe.

It made her feel valuable to have many people like and praise her, while the few people who were close to her did get to see the real her to a degree and would run/abandon her. Why? Because really being close can hurt, really being close means she could say/do something that hurts the other, or is hurt by. She has black and white feelings, so once one mistake is made either way, the relationship is tainted, and she runs or lashes out to an extreme. After having done so, the relationship is even more tainted because now there is an extreme bad memory, a reveal of herself as well, that leaves the other person unsure if they can trust her. In many ways she has it all backwards. She starts with what appears to be full trust, and then eats away at it until there is nothing but bad memories left versus the opposite, starting out with minimal trust and slowly building up a trust founded on a real history with someone where trust is established over the ups & downs of a long relationship.

She benefited from practicing the opening moves of a relationship; it is powerful to be able to meet someone you barely know and sway them to like you (even love you) almost instantly. I don't want to call it acting, but I will say instead that the best actors really believe the character they are portraying. So perhaps she so immersed herself in the role because that is what worked best.

I think like someone with NPD, on some level she is use to feeling alone, it is safe, people can't hurt you, while at the same time she craves the feeling of being loved/admired unconditionally like someone with BPD. Again new people she has just barely met are safe to feel emotions for. When they get to close, her other emotions take over and she pushes them away and runs back to her safe alone zone.

She doesn't believe she is really truly worth being loved. She never got that unconditional love from her parents. But she wants it, needs it too. For those who she falls in love with, she tests them. Pushes them away. If they come back it is proof she is really loved. But how can she be sure? Maybe they really don't, so tests again, on some level hoping they abandon her, she already expects to be abandoned, while on another hoping they come back. With someone new there are none of those push-pull feelings yet. With someone new she has no real feelings about them to be hurt. It's lighter, she can just enjoy it without the intense (and often painful) feelings. The lightness of it, the safety of it, takes her mind off the deeper painful feelings.

When she is in a relationship with some guy she really loves, when she starts to feel everything is safe, she does enjoy that feeling. The problem is she wants that feeling of safety, plus the admiration of many others too. That puts her in a position where she must juggle the feelings of the one she loves with a bunch of nobodies she has just met. In the juggling act she is put in positions where she must choose the feelings of the nobodies over her love (or vice versa). She'd often choose the nobodies feelings and in the process, lose the one she loves, but then she expects to be abandoned anyway on some level.

I think Savedbymyself is correct. It all comes back to a lack of self-esteem that often stems back to not having received unconditional love as a child. That leaves a big void that is easily walled over, but harder to actually fix. It is fixable (though may end up being a lifetime journey), but to do so we have to stop looking for a fix in others, look inward, and repair the hurt ourselves. A therapist can help immensely here.

Yeah. A big part of love is the risk of being hurt in the first place from the beginning of deciding to engage with someone in a relationship. I think HPDs forget that easily at the starts of relationships and thus distorts their view of trust and how trust should work. If you've accepted yourself before entering in a relationship you will find it easier to accept the risk of being hurt in a relationship because in the end you know you won't need to rely on the other person for self-acceptance if they do end up leaving you. This way you won't rely on needed as many peoples approvals as possible outside of the relationship during the relationship (which can trigger distrust and jealousy in the person you're with when they find out) and you won't run at small slights that you think means "they will abandon you" without giving the one you're with a fair chance to show their true intentions.

Well said Saved. That really summarizes it all perfectly.

xdude you always seem to figer out a hpd so easily..i am everything you just saod..that is absolutly how I maintain or mess up relationships..you hit every button..im amazed on how you got it all right...Saved that is the stem of my true problem..i have low self esteem..if any ..I really on others to magnify or define who I am..i am handicap..therefore I cannot move without them..i am everything uou say also..thankyou

-- Fri Jul 15, 2011 2:14 pm --

Xdude I added you as a.friend because I beleive you have true insight a lot of things hpd and I admire that..

Thanks releaseme. I learned a lot from many on this forum who shed insights into their struggle with HPD. Plus in many ways my experience with it reminded me of what I had learned about my BPD mother. In many ways BPD, HPD, NPD (which is more of what I am) are all just different coping mechanisms for the same core problem, a lack of validation/love as children when we had no defenses or ability to understand our own parents problems.